Disappointment to All
When you look in the dictionary under the word disappointment, you will find my picture. I'm pretty sure I've disappointed just about everybody in my life. The ones I know I've disappointed for sure are my grandparents because one time they came to stay with us and I was rude to them, not the nice little girl they knew when i visit them (that was ages ago and have since then made amends). I'm a disappointment to my dad because I didn't go into the Air Force and I'm majoring in Theatre never to be a doctor someday. I'm a disappointment to my mother because I don't meet the spiritual standards that she holds. As for being a disappointment to my brother and sister-in-law... if I am, I'm not aware of it, but for reality sakes, we'll just say I am. Recently to the collection is my best friend Liss. I'm a disappointment because I'm not the person who she thought I was. But I could have told her that from the get go. (I also disappoint myself). I've known for a long time that I'm a hypocrite, hell I'm such a walking contradiction I'm surprised I haven't bleeped myself out of existance.
The only different in being a disappointment this time is that I don't think anybody has ever actually told me so to my face oor ever so harshly. It's one thing to be a disappointment, but it's another thing when you are the most disappointhing thing that person has ever witnessed.
Just to clarify some things:
1. Liss didn't catch David and I kissing. I wasn't even facing him the time she walked into his bedroom.
2. Dave and I are friends. We're not dating anymore.
3. I'd rather take a chance and get hurt, then to never know and question. "What ifs" suck!
4. The situation with Dave, Martha, and I is complicated. The only people who know all that is going on between us is Dave, Martha, and Me.
5. I never proclaimed to be a great christian. When I said I haven't been communicating with the Lord as well as I should, I didn't mean recently, I meant always! I've been like that since day one. Blaming that on me being with David is like my dad blaming fluctuations in grades on me not being home. I've always had a hard time praying and reading my bible. I'm better at praise.
6. People change every day. Needs, desires, weaknesses and strengths come and go. Who is to say what you are? Only God knows, and on occasion, yourself.
I could say I'm really angry because I was. But I'm not angry so much as I'm hurt. I didn't speak much today because I had alot on my mind, wasn't in the best of moods, and with experience has learned it's better to keep ones mouth shut than to talk. I know the things I do are selfish and at times stupid, but aren't they my mistakes to make? Yes I've been hurt in this relationship a few times. I don't blame anybody for it though. It was my decision and I knew what I was getting myself into. It it difficult to know who is who when you have two views on something. On one hand, Liss and Jimmy have told me that Dave is this con-artisty guy who lives off necessity and convenience, preying on anything he can get ahold of. Didn't matter too much to me before I had feelings for him, but now, it makes me think. On the other hand there is the Dave I've spent time with who's considerate, respectful, gentle, and kind. Which Dave am I suppose to believe? I should trust my friends because they're looking out for me right? Or should I trust the person who I've spent time with and has never matched the person they've described? If I trust them and they are right, I hurt myself in feeling like a moron but in the end I will be safe. If I trust them and they are wrong, I hurt someone who doesn't deserve to be hurt. If I trust him and they are right, I get hurt. If I trust him and they are wrong then we get to be happy and they are just wrong. Hard to say. In the end, someone gets hurt. It just depends on the motive and intensity.
At the moment the only thing that I feel sums up how I feel is the song by Simple Plan: Perfect. I'm just going to put on a couple lyrics, but you get the jist. Enjoy!
Nothing's gonna change the things that you said
Nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back
I can't believe it's hard just to talk to you
But you don't understand
Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late
And we can't go back
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
When you look in the dictionary under the word disappointment, you will find my picture. I'm pretty sure I've disappointed just about everybody in my life. The ones I know I've disappointed for sure are my grandparents because one time they came to stay with us and I was rude to them, not the nice little girl they knew when i visit them (that was ages ago and have since then made amends). I'm a disappointment to my dad because I didn't go into the Air Force and I'm majoring in Theatre never to be a doctor someday. I'm a disappointment to my mother because I don't meet the spiritual standards that she holds. As for being a disappointment to my brother and sister-in-law... if I am, I'm not aware of it, but for reality sakes, we'll just say I am. Recently to the collection is my best friend Liss. I'm a disappointment because I'm not the person who she thought I was. But I could have told her that from the get go. (I also disappoint myself). I've known for a long time that I'm a hypocrite, hell I'm such a walking contradiction I'm surprised I haven't bleeped myself out of existance.
The only different in being a disappointment this time is that I don't think anybody has ever actually told me so to my face oor ever so harshly. It's one thing to be a disappointment, but it's another thing when you are the most disappointhing thing that person has ever witnessed.
Just to clarify some things:
1. Liss didn't catch David and I kissing. I wasn't even facing him the time she walked into his bedroom.
2. Dave and I are friends. We're not dating anymore.
3. I'd rather take a chance and get hurt, then to never know and question. "What ifs" suck!
4. The situation with Dave, Martha, and I is complicated. The only people who know all that is going on between us is Dave, Martha, and Me.
5. I never proclaimed to be a great christian. When I said I haven't been communicating with the Lord as well as I should, I didn't mean recently, I meant always! I've been like that since day one. Blaming that on me being with David is like my dad blaming fluctuations in grades on me not being home. I've always had a hard time praying and reading my bible. I'm better at praise.
6. People change every day. Needs, desires, weaknesses and strengths come and go. Who is to say what you are? Only God knows, and on occasion, yourself.
I could say I'm really angry because I was. But I'm not angry so much as I'm hurt. I didn't speak much today because I had alot on my mind, wasn't in the best of moods, and with experience has learned it's better to keep ones mouth shut than to talk. I know the things I do are selfish and at times stupid, but aren't they my mistakes to make? Yes I've been hurt in this relationship a few times. I don't blame anybody for it though. It was my decision and I knew what I was getting myself into. It it difficult to know who is who when you have two views on something. On one hand, Liss and Jimmy have told me that Dave is this con-artisty guy who lives off necessity and convenience, preying on anything he can get ahold of. Didn't matter too much to me before I had feelings for him, but now, it makes me think. On the other hand there is the Dave I've spent time with who's considerate, respectful, gentle, and kind. Which Dave am I suppose to believe? I should trust my friends because they're looking out for me right? Or should I trust the person who I've spent time with and has never matched the person they've described? If I trust them and they are right, I hurt myself in feeling like a moron but in the end I will be safe. If I trust them and they are wrong, I hurt someone who doesn't deserve to be hurt. If I trust him and they are right, I get hurt. If I trust him and they are wrong then we get to be happy and they are just wrong. Hard to say. In the end, someone gets hurt. It just depends on the motive and intensity.
At the moment the only thing that I feel sums up how I feel is the song by Simple Plan: Perfect. I'm just going to put on a couple lyrics, but you get the jist. Enjoy!
Nothing's gonna change the things that you said
Nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back
I can't believe it's hard just to talk to you
But you don't understand
Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late
And we can't go back
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
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