It's the same damn thing!
Two sunday's ago Brek and I were very strong willed and self restrained. Since I got back from Oklahoma it has been quite the opposite. The more and more time we spend together, the closer and closer we get. We hold hands when we walk down the street, if we're just standing somewhere, neither of us hesitate to hold the other close. If there isn't a seat for me, Brek has me sit on his lap. We are constantly touching, rubbing each others backs, carressing our arms or whatever. I bite and nibble on him a lot, and he kisses me or bites me. Our relationship is all sorts of confusing. In an e-mail he sent me, he mentioned how he liked having me as his friend. When I'm with him though, I feel like I'm more than that. If people were to see us together, they would think that we were 'together'. But I don't think we are. We haven't spoken about our relationship since that Thursday night. So many times I want to ask him, "So what are we?"
Like I've said before, this all feels too familiar. David and I were the same way. I might as well have been his girlfriend, but he didn't care about me or want me. I get afraid that Brek is doing the same thing. I don't ask, because I don't want to know. I like where we are. I like our closeness. I like having him. I like thinking I'm with him. But deep down in my heart, I know I'm lying to myself.
Before I left his apt. he showed me his closet. He has an enormous closet and a lot of clothes. I mean a lot! He might have more than I do! He's such a girl. I wish I hadn't gone into his room though. I had been avoiding it but last night I broke the barrier. I really wish I hadn't gone in. As I was walking out, I looked over the room, just to see. On his night stand was a picture, a picture of a girl. Who it is I don't know. But of course in my heart I know it's Lisa. That hurt. That hurt so much! To think about what great times Brek and I are having, what we're doing together, and then to see her picture. To know that he talks to me on the phone some nights right before he goes to bed, but instead of me being the last thing he thinks of, it's her. To know that when I drove away last night, it wouldn't be our kiss that would be on his mind, or my cuddles that he wished he could hold again, but he would see her and long for her. It was the same thing with David. It wasn't me he wanted to hold late in the night, it wasn't me he wanted to spend time with, it wasn't me he wanted... it was her.
Maybe I'm wrong about Brek. Maybe I'm just scaring myself. But I only have what I know to be true in my heart. I have experience. It's the same damn thing.
Two sunday's ago Brek and I were very strong willed and self restrained. Since I got back from Oklahoma it has been quite the opposite. The more and more time we spend together, the closer and closer we get. We hold hands when we walk down the street, if we're just standing somewhere, neither of us hesitate to hold the other close. If there isn't a seat for me, Brek has me sit on his lap. We are constantly touching, rubbing each others backs, carressing our arms or whatever. I bite and nibble on him a lot, and he kisses me or bites me. Our relationship is all sorts of confusing. In an e-mail he sent me, he mentioned how he liked having me as his friend. When I'm with him though, I feel like I'm more than that. If people were to see us together, they would think that we were 'together'. But I don't think we are. We haven't spoken about our relationship since that Thursday night. So many times I want to ask him, "So what are we?"
Like I've said before, this all feels too familiar. David and I were the same way. I might as well have been his girlfriend, but he didn't care about me or want me. I get afraid that Brek is doing the same thing. I don't ask, because I don't want to know. I like where we are. I like our closeness. I like having him. I like thinking I'm with him. But deep down in my heart, I know I'm lying to myself.
Before I left his apt. he showed me his closet. He has an enormous closet and a lot of clothes. I mean a lot! He might have more than I do! He's such a girl. I wish I hadn't gone into his room though. I had been avoiding it but last night I broke the barrier. I really wish I hadn't gone in. As I was walking out, I looked over the room, just to see. On his night stand was a picture, a picture of a girl. Who it is I don't know. But of course in my heart I know it's Lisa. That hurt. That hurt so much! To think about what great times Brek and I are having, what we're doing together, and then to see her picture. To know that he talks to me on the phone some nights right before he goes to bed, but instead of me being the last thing he thinks of, it's her. To know that when I drove away last night, it wouldn't be our kiss that would be on his mind, or my cuddles that he wished he could hold again, but he would see her and long for her. It was the same thing with David. It wasn't me he wanted to hold late in the night, it wasn't me he wanted to spend time with, it wasn't me he wanted... it was her.
Maybe I'm wrong about Brek. Maybe I'm just scaring myself. But I only have what I know to be true in my heart. I have experience. It's the same damn thing.
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