My Spiritual Blunder
So last night I said something really stupid. Heh... tell me something new right? I'm usually really good at keeping my mouth shut these days and letting things go by, but I had kind of a brain fart and well... off went my mouth.
For the past couple weeks, Angie and I have been battling with Poison Sumak. First she had it and it spread, and then I got it. We thought perhaps we had got it from the dogs so we asked our LandLord Lady if they had put something new, like a flea repellant, on the dogs. She looked at our rashes and knew exactly what it was. "You have Poison Sumak." .. Crap.
So we've been doing our little regiment of washing, scraping, rubbing, and cleansing our rashes with a mixture of Alcohol, Betadine, and Calomil. Knowing what my mother would say, I prayed over my rashes and pleaded the blood and took hold of my promised healing. I started with three little rashes, one of my left forearm, one on my left chest, and one on my right wrist. Happy to say, though they still kind of itch, they are getting better! They have not spread at all, Praise Jesus! Angie's however, has spread all over her arm, behind her ears, onto her face, and I'm hoping that's it. It started on her one arm and just kind of went insane.
Now I understand spiritual law and healing and the promises God has made to us. I stand firmly on Isaiah 53:5 saying, ".. that by His stripes we ARE healed." But I'm sure Angie has never heard of this. So... I want to tell her about healing and I want to pray for her, but I don't see the point when she is going to cancel out my prayer with her words, another biblical prinicple she does not know or understand. She doesn't know the power behind the tongue, the life it can bring and the death it can cause. There is also the Spirit of Fear/Worry/Anxiety at work here. That just makes this all worse. Please understand that I know I'm not the best christian ever. I make just as many mistakes and I still sin and don't do things that are right. I can be a hypocrite just as much as anyone else. It's worse for me though because I'm supposed to be this great christian person and I still mess up. I don't want to sound like I'm judging, I just stating facts.
So last night we were leaving a friends house, and I asked Angie if she wanted me to take her to the Doctor. She's been wanting to go and thought the Doctor might be able to help. But tonight she didn't feel like going because she believed he would just tell her to do what she's already doing and I agreed. That's one of the reasons why I don't go to the doctor. Jesus is a much better healer and a lot more reliable. She then proceeded to tell me that because my rash wasn't spreading and I wasn't in agony of itching, that she was jealous. What an in! I thought, hmmm, this would be a perfect time to mention that I had prayed about it. So somewhat cautiously I began:
Me: Well... you know Angie the reason my rash is better is because,(watch, this where I stick my foot in my mouth), I prayed about it.
Angie: I prayed about it too! Don't give me that bullshit!
She said some more, not much more, but something. But by then my brain had fully shut down and I knew I should have just kept my mouth shut. It didn't even occur to me till later that the way I had said it really sucked too. I felt like such an ass. I knew at that moment, all of my spiritual acountability had just flown out the window. I wasn't so much angry at Angie with the way she responded, but more angry with myself for not following the lead of the Holy Spirit and not being compassionate. I had become exactly what I didn't want to be, a bible thumping christian trying to force my beliefs on people. I knew I had ruined any influence to teach Angie about the Bible and Jesus.
We didn't say anything the rest of the drive home. She went inside wordlessly and I just sat there. I called my mother, though it was 2 am back home in Texas. I cried. I told her everything that happened and how I felt. I'm quite suprised with how calm she was and how loving and wise she was. She helped me see that yes I had made a mistake, but I had to forgive myself and ask for forgiveness from God. She also helped me realize that I was at a place where well.. a lot of people aren't going to want to listen to me even though I'm bursting to want to tell them about how awesome Jesus is. They usually don't want to listen. She prayed with me and reminded me that I'm not to carry the wait of the world on my shoulders. That's what Jesus does. I need to trust Him more and let go of my own worry. I can't beat myself up, because I am just a human and we all make mistakes. Mom was awesome and made me feel so much better.
Then Dad got on the phone too. He told me how proud he was of me and how much Mom and he love me. He told me to not judge myself so harshly and to know that I am trying as best I can. He said that this was just a passing chapter in my life and not to let it overwhelm me but to grow from it. Dad reminded me that there are two subject that people just will not ever agree on and that you really shouldn't discuss with people, Politics and Religion. And Angie and I class exponentially where Politics are involved, it goes without saying that we would where religion is too. Both of my parents are awesome and they both helped me in their own little ways. I felt better.
About an hour later, I walked back inside, suprised to see that Angie was still awake. Calmly and collectedly I walked into our room. She asked me if I was fine. I said yes. Then I sucked it up and apologized. I shouldn't have said what I did, and I really didn't mean for it to come out the way it did. She nodded and replied, "I don't think we should talk about this 'stuff' anymore." I agreed with her, grabbed my pjs and went into the bathroom to change. I of course cried. We won't be having our Bible Studies anymore. She won't be asking me questions about the Bible or Jesus anymore. I felt that I had pushed her away from Jesus and that I was probably the cause as to why she might not seek God anymore. I prayed. I needed strength. I needed to stop torturing myself and beating myself up.
I cannot change what I said. I said I was sorry and I am. But it's out of my hands now. I am only acountable for myself.
So last night I said something really stupid. Heh... tell me something new right? I'm usually really good at keeping my mouth shut these days and letting things go by, but I had kind of a brain fart and well... off went my mouth.
For the past couple weeks, Angie and I have been battling with Poison Sumak. First she had it and it spread, and then I got it. We thought perhaps we had got it from the dogs so we asked our LandLord Lady if they had put something new, like a flea repellant, on the dogs. She looked at our rashes and knew exactly what it was. "You have Poison Sumak." .. Crap.
So we've been doing our little regiment of washing, scraping, rubbing, and cleansing our rashes with a mixture of Alcohol, Betadine, and Calomil. Knowing what my mother would say, I prayed over my rashes and pleaded the blood and took hold of my promised healing. I started with three little rashes, one of my left forearm, one on my left chest, and one on my right wrist. Happy to say, though they still kind of itch, they are getting better! They have not spread at all, Praise Jesus! Angie's however, has spread all over her arm, behind her ears, onto her face, and I'm hoping that's it. It started on her one arm and just kind of went insane.
Now I understand spiritual law and healing and the promises God has made to us. I stand firmly on Isaiah 53:5 saying, ".. that by His stripes we ARE healed." But I'm sure Angie has never heard of this. So... I want to tell her about healing and I want to pray for her, but I don't see the point when she is going to cancel out my prayer with her words, another biblical prinicple she does not know or understand. She doesn't know the power behind the tongue, the life it can bring and the death it can cause. There is also the Spirit of Fear/Worry/Anxiety at work here. That just makes this all worse. Please understand that I know I'm not the best christian ever. I make just as many mistakes and I still sin and don't do things that are right. I can be a hypocrite just as much as anyone else. It's worse for me though because I'm supposed to be this great christian person and I still mess up. I don't want to sound like I'm judging, I just stating facts.
So last night we were leaving a friends house, and I asked Angie if she wanted me to take her to the Doctor. She's been wanting to go and thought the Doctor might be able to help. But tonight she didn't feel like going because she believed he would just tell her to do what she's already doing and I agreed. That's one of the reasons why I don't go to the doctor. Jesus is a much better healer and a lot more reliable. She then proceeded to tell me that because my rash wasn't spreading and I wasn't in agony of itching, that she was jealous. What an in! I thought, hmmm, this would be a perfect time to mention that I had prayed about it. So somewhat cautiously I began:
Me: Well... you know Angie the reason my rash is better is because,(watch, this where I stick my foot in my mouth), I prayed about it.
Angie: I prayed about it too! Don't give me that bullshit!
She said some more, not much more, but something. But by then my brain had fully shut down and I knew I should have just kept my mouth shut. It didn't even occur to me till later that the way I had said it really sucked too. I felt like such an ass. I knew at that moment, all of my spiritual acountability had just flown out the window. I wasn't so much angry at Angie with the way she responded, but more angry with myself for not following the lead of the Holy Spirit and not being compassionate. I had become exactly what I didn't want to be, a bible thumping christian trying to force my beliefs on people. I knew I had ruined any influence to teach Angie about the Bible and Jesus.
We didn't say anything the rest of the drive home. She went inside wordlessly and I just sat there. I called my mother, though it was 2 am back home in Texas. I cried. I told her everything that happened and how I felt. I'm quite suprised with how calm she was and how loving and wise she was. She helped me see that yes I had made a mistake, but I had to forgive myself and ask for forgiveness from God. She also helped me realize that I was at a place where well.. a lot of people aren't going to want to listen to me even though I'm bursting to want to tell them about how awesome Jesus is. They usually don't want to listen. She prayed with me and reminded me that I'm not to carry the wait of the world on my shoulders. That's what Jesus does. I need to trust Him more and let go of my own worry. I can't beat myself up, because I am just a human and we all make mistakes. Mom was awesome and made me feel so much better.
Then Dad got on the phone too. He told me how proud he was of me and how much Mom and he love me. He told me to not judge myself so harshly and to know that I am trying as best I can. He said that this was just a passing chapter in my life and not to let it overwhelm me but to grow from it. Dad reminded me that there are two subject that people just will not ever agree on and that you really shouldn't discuss with people, Politics and Religion. And Angie and I class exponentially where Politics are involved, it goes without saying that we would where religion is too. Both of my parents are awesome and they both helped me in their own little ways. I felt better.
About an hour later, I walked back inside, suprised to see that Angie was still awake. Calmly and collectedly I walked into our room. She asked me if I was fine. I said yes. Then I sucked it up and apologized. I shouldn't have said what I did, and I really didn't mean for it to come out the way it did. She nodded and replied, "I don't think we should talk about this 'stuff' anymore." I agreed with her, grabbed my pjs and went into the bathroom to change. I of course cried. We won't be having our Bible Studies anymore. She won't be asking me questions about the Bible or Jesus anymore. I felt that I had pushed her away from Jesus and that I was probably the cause as to why she might not seek God anymore. I prayed. I needed strength. I needed to stop torturing myself and beating myself up.
I cannot change what I said. I said I was sorry and I am. But it's out of my hands now. I am only acountable for myself.
1 Comments:
maybe your time of discussing Jesus with Angie is over...but that could be because you've already planted whatever the neccesary seed was. It sounds like she COULD be already convicted about things, since she says she had already prayed for her rash on her own. She might be working through her beliefs on her own after all the guidance you have shown her.
In my oppinion, If she wont hear it anymore, now is the time to show it. Be a walking example of Christ's love, grace, and mercy. One bad night wont cancel out everything you've accomplished, especially if you are able to remind her how loving Christians are through your actions. I bet that in time, she will feel comfortable asking questions again.
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