Valentine's Day sucks!
Yes I know you've heard me complain about it before, but it's just the truth. Not everything about the day is all that bad, but there are parts that just bite. (and not in the good way) This year I made plans with my best friend Liss to watch a play and instead of focusing on how I'm not loved and not with anyone, I would focus on Jesus. Because Jesus loves me, and I love Jesus. It's a mutual thing. Therefore I can celebrate Valentine's because someone does truly, honestly, loves me with all their heart. Anyways I'm getting off subject. The fact is, yesterday had it's good points and it bad. We'll start with the good. I got to spend the evening with Liss and we reconciled alot of our issues and I think have grown closer. We talked about things we hadn't vocalized and internally been burning about. I'm so glad to finally get alot of those emotions off my chest and see her perspective. We realized what we had been doing, but even more so, I did. And I realized how much I wasn't being a good friend and how much of the rift between us was in fact, my fault. But it's ok now. We're all good.
We had a good time last night. We went to watch the Vagina Monologues. It, in itself, was not what i was expecting. I can honestly say that I was not ready to watch the play and for the most part, I was incredibly uncomfortable. A lot of the monologues discussed the topic of sex and masturbation. This of course made me very nervous. I understood what they were talking about, but I couldn't connect with it as I can with alot of other plays. There was a distance, a gap, due to my lack of experience. But I'm proud of that difference. I'm proud to say that I'm a 21 year old virgin. Yes, it's hard at times, but i know it damn sure is worth it. Another subject they talked about that was unusual for me was the Vagina itself. They talked about it as if it were a living breathing individual person all in itself. I don't think of it that way. Yes it's a part of my body but that's about it. I try not to think about it, discuss it, and I sure as hell don't think up of ways to name it, dress it, or what it would say if it could speak. All the women in the play identified themselves according to their Vagina. I am not my Vagina, my Vagina is not me. If you want to talk to me, look at my face, look into my eyes, and hear my heart. My heart is who I am. I am not personified because of my vagina, because i am a sexual being. No. The people I love, care for, the things I do, and things I am come from my heart. If you want to know who I am, you won't find it down there, you'll find it right here.
Now we come to the bad part of the evening. I talked to David yesterday I guess around 2ish or so. He called me around 6:45, but by then i was with Liss and wasn't going to put her on hold. I had hoped after we got home, he would be there and we could all hang out. But he wasn't home. Earlier we had discussed that he would probably just drive around all night, and perhaps go make a surprise visit to someone (i.e. Martha). When we got home and he wasn't there, I knew that is where he was. I knew it deep down in my bones, and I was scared. My tummy churned in anguish, in fear, in pain. I stayed till almost 12, just talking with my best friend, waiting. Too tired and worried to stay, I left. I drove home crying because of the thoughts that filled my head. Was he with her? Was he getting back together with her? Was he fucking her? It killed me that I didn't know what was happeneing. The past two weeks he's been with me. Spending time with me and family, going out with me, talking to me. For the first time, I had no idea what was going on. Like I said, I was scared! I wanted to call him, but I didn't want interupt him if they were talking, and even more so, if they were doing 'other' things. I don't know what to feel or think. I'm hurt. My gut tells me they're o.k. again, they are back together again. Where does that leave me? I'm alone. I'm back to where I started. I'm back to where I was in October. If he cared about me, if he loved me, he would be with me. But the truth is, he's not.
Yes I know you've heard me complain about it before, but it's just the truth. Not everything about the day is all that bad, but there are parts that just bite. (and not in the good way) This year I made plans with my best friend Liss to watch a play and instead of focusing on how I'm not loved and not with anyone, I would focus on Jesus. Because Jesus loves me, and I love Jesus. It's a mutual thing. Therefore I can celebrate Valentine's because someone does truly, honestly, loves me with all their heart. Anyways I'm getting off subject. The fact is, yesterday had it's good points and it bad. We'll start with the good. I got to spend the evening with Liss and we reconciled alot of our issues and I think have grown closer. We talked about things we hadn't vocalized and internally been burning about. I'm so glad to finally get alot of those emotions off my chest and see her perspective. We realized what we had been doing, but even more so, I did. And I realized how much I wasn't being a good friend and how much of the rift between us was in fact, my fault. But it's ok now. We're all good.
We had a good time last night. We went to watch the Vagina Monologues. It, in itself, was not what i was expecting. I can honestly say that I was not ready to watch the play and for the most part, I was incredibly uncomfortable. A lot of the monologues discussed the topic of sex and masturbation. This of course made me very nervous. I understood what they were talking about, but I couldn't connect with it as I can with alot of other plays. There was a distance, a gap, due to my lack of experience. But I'm proud of that difference. I'm proud to say that I'm a 21 year old virgin. Yes, it's hard at times, but i know it damn sure is worth it. Another subject they talked about that was unusual for me was the Vagina itself. They talked about it as if it were a living breathing individual person all in itself. I don't think of it that way. Yes it's a part of my body but that's about it. I try not to think about it, discuss it, and I sure as hell don't think up of ways to name it, dress it, or what it would say if it could speak. All the women in the play identified themselves according to their Vagina. I am not my Vagina, my Vagina is not me. If you want to talk to me, look at my face, look into my eyes, and hear my heart. My heart is who I am. I am not personified because of my vagina, because i am a sexual being. No. The people I love, care for, the things I do, and things I am come from my heart. If you want to know who I am, you won't find it down there, you'll find it right here.
Now we come to the bad part of the evening. I talked to David yesterday I guess around 2ish or so. He called me around 6:45, but by then i was with Liss and wasn't going to put her on hold. I had hoped after we got home, he would be there and we could all hang out. But he wasn't home. Earlier we had discussed that he would probably just drive around all night, and perhaps go make a surprise visit to someone (i.e. Martha). When we got home and he wasn't there, I knew that is where he was. I knew it deep down in my bones, and I was scared. My tummy churned in anguish, in fear, in pain. I stayed till almost 12, just talking with my best friend, waiting. Too tired and worried to stay, I left. I drove home crying because of the thoughts that filled my head. Was he with her? Was he getting back together with her? Was he fucking her? It killed me that I didn't know what was happeneing. The past two weeks he's been with me. Spending time with me and family, going out with me, talking to me. For the first time, I had no idea what was going on. Like I said, I was scared! I wanted to call him, but I didn't want interupt him if they were talking, and even more so, if they were doing 'other' things. I don't know what to feel or think. I'm hurt. My gut tells me they're o.k. again, they are back together again. Where does that leave me? I'm alone. I'm back to where I started. I'm back to where I was in October. If he cared about me, if he loved me, he would be with me. But the truth is, he's not.
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