Can you feel my heart break?

So I've been extremely confused and not sure what was going on. Sometimes I still am, but I'm pretty sure I know now. I did my usual going dancing on Sunday night thing. Met up with Brek and had a good time. DJ Virus played a wierd mix last night and it was just odd. Brek and I still had fun and danced. We're getting more intimate when we dance, it's wierd. In order to enjoy myself, I really have to turn off my emotions. I could easily fall for him ... wait, I already have. At one point we went into the Video Bar and were just standing there watching the few people who were dancing. Brek grabbed me from behind and held me, rubbed my back, kissed, licked, and bit my neck. It was so good! It drove me absolutely wild. I got goosebumps all over. I don't understand why he does the things he does. I don't know what he is thinking. The more time we spend together, the deeper and deeper I grow attached. The more affectionate he is, the harder it is to let go.

When I got home last night I prayed... I cried. I want to be with him so much, but I don't think it's what the Lord wants. I have to think back to that one Thursday night. Why aren't we obedient? Why are we struggling so much? If he loves Lisa, then why is he spending so much time with me? If he loves Lisa, what is he doing kissing me and holding me? If he loves Lisa, what the hell is doing with me? Oh, how many times I said the same thing to David.

Brek wrote me an e-mail this morning, two actually. The first was to say how he was sad he didn't get to say goodnight to me properly. We were interrupted by another beggar on the street. The second one was more... serious. Remember how I prayed last night? Well, for the most part I don't know what I was saying, speaking in tongues and all. I'm assuming it was a cry for answers, for help, to be in God's will. This is what the e-mail said:
i had fun last night even though i think virus had
some sort of virus that was causing him to play
weird-ass sets of music. oh well, i guess it was
good, helped me be a little more restrained than i've
been the last couple weeks. i guess i needed the
crappy music and sunburned neck last night, that way
i'd keep the flirting to a minimum. it's just
something about loud pulsing industrial music that
gets me all wound up and i just dont care how i'm
acting sometimes (kind of like an austrailian accent).
i feel like God's been dealing with me all weekend
about that long kiss friday nite/sat morning. i
shouldn't have done that & i know it. not to say i
didn't really enjoy it, but i know better. i know we
had that long "thursday nite" talk & were good for
about a week or two then i've just kinda turned a
blind eye to how i know i'm supposed to be acting with
you and just doing whatever i want instead of what He
wants. i've always had a problem not listening the
first time i'm told to do (or not do) something.
anyway, i dont know where that all just came from.
all i wanted to to was write & say "hi". whatever, i
guess it needed to be said.

I suppose that is my answer. One for now. And I didn't have to bring the subject up. It does however open the door for us to be able to talk all about this. It allows me to tell Brek how I feel and get all this 'stuff' off my chest. I don't want to lose what we have. I love being with him. The love he's shown me just in that one romantic weekend we had, was more than I ever felt with Rick or David combined! My heart is aching so much.