Self-muliation at it's finest.
Each day for me seems to grow more and more with pain, struggle, and internal torment.
Last night Sam and I went to Mythos. We hung out with Garret a little before hand and went to the mall. It was funny to see the people's expressions at our Goth attire. I was wearing my vinyl outfit that I had made, Sam and Garret were in their normal black t-shirts, black pants/shorts and boots. Nonetheless, if you are from the 'normal' everyday society, we stood out as 'odd'. We had fun looking at stuff and just talking. The mall closed and we headed out to Arlington. Dismantled was playing so we were all sorts of excited to see them. We arrived a little after 9, probably a little before 9:30. There already was a crowd upstairs in Mythos. We had each taken our own cars and I was the last to arrive. It was fun though. It was almost like one of those magical jaw dropping moments. I walked up the stairs and into the scene. Practically everyone in the room stopped for a second and looked at me. I felt beautiful. I casually looked around, spotted Sam and our friends and headed over. hehehe. This is probably all in my head, but I'll just pretend that happened. **giggle**
I got a drink and sat down in the corner with some people. I just sat there being cute and taking in the room. Dismantled was running a late sound check so we got to see them perform a song or two early. Then I spotted Brek, he walked through the crowd and seated himself at the bar. I watched him from my little corner, making sure he didn't see me. Yummy... he's just so yummy. I thought about walking over to him, but I decided tonight would be different. I wanted him to come to me. I got up a few times and walked around, said hi to people, walked downstairs once, just so I could be seen (not only by him, but others as well). He took a quick trip downstairs and on his return up, he spotted me and smiled. I smiled back at him and then turned my attention to some other people. He went back to the bar for a minute but then he came walking back to me. My plan had worked. hehehe.. gotta make them work for it. Of course, the moment he came over to me, I wrapped my arms around him and gave him a soft little kiss. Just a hello kiss, but a kiss nonetheless. I held onto him for a long time.
The first band that played, Whore, was decent, but.. the mic wasn't working so we couldn't hear his singing. They only played like... 3 songs. Then it was over. It took FOREVER for the second band to set up. And it wasn't even a band! It was a guy with a little mixer, a dinky casio keyboard, and some flashy bluelights. That's it! AND!!!! the guy played forever! I never thought it was going to end. It really sucked. I didn't like it at all. Plus, I was too busy flirting with Brek.
We bit each other a lot and cuddled a lot. I just love being held by him. He smells so good. I love biting him. It's fun. We flirted a lot. I know I shouldn't, but I just can't help him. I like him so much, I want him so much. Plus, he was flirting right back. I probably was just taking advantage of him though, he drank a lot last night. I feel kind of bad, but I really like him. I want to be with him. Of course the entire time I was yelling at myself for doing it, knowing I shouldn't be holding him so much, knowing I shouldn't be caressing him so much. We sat in the corner on a couch together and I held him, I clawed his tummy, I stroked his wonderfully strong arms. I couldn't take my eyes off him. He's so cute. I just stared at him, watched him. I'm so aweful. But I can't help it. I didn't want to, but at the same time I did.
I'm so angry with myself. I hurt when I'm without him. I hurt when I'm with him. I don't know what hurts more. I mean when I'm with him.. I have nothing. I have no Brek. But when I'm spending time with him, I get to see him, I get to talk to him, and on occasion, I get to touch him. Though this should make me happy, it still brings me much sorrow. I know that he doesn't love me, I know he's not with me and that I can't be with him, and I know he wants to be with Lisa. Why do I put myself through this? I've already been in a relationship like this and it sucked! I hurt so much from it. I suppose because Brek is different from David that I want to believe it will be o.k.
**Ok scary thought I just had. What if Brek isn't different like David? What if he's doing the same thing? What if he's just using me to get his kicks in. What if like David, he's lying? He's read all my blogs, he knows where I'm vulnerable, he knows.**
I wanted to cry all night while I was with him. I wanted to scream. I didn't want to let him go. I was angry when he left early. I was angry when he told me he wasn't going to go with me to the Bonfire tomorrow. I was angry that I can't have him. I was angry at Sam for being with Ammanda. I was angry watching them together. I'm hurting and I don't know how to make the pain go away.
Sam tells me I shouldn't put myself through such an experience. He knows it's the same thing. I already have that experience. But I can't just stop loving Brek. How do you make your heart stop loving? How do you turn off your emotions? Why do I submit myself to such torture? This is self-mutilation at it's finest.
Each day for me seems to grow more and more with pain, struggle, and internal torment.
Last night Sam and I went to Mythos. We hung out with Garret a little before hand and went to the mall. It was funny to see the people's expressions at our Goth attire. I was wearing my vinyl outfit that I had made, Sam and Garret were in their normal black t-shirts, black pants/shorts and boots. Nonetheless, if you are from the 'normal' everyday society, we stood out as 'odd'. We had fun looking at stuff and just talking. The mall closed and we headed out to Arlington. Dismantled was playing so we were all sorts of excited to see them. We arrived a little after 9, probably a little before 9:30. There already was a crowd upstairs in Mythos. We had each taken our own cars and I was the last to arrive. It was fun though. It was almost like one of those magical jaw dropping moments. I walked up the stairs and into the scene. Practically everyone in the room stopped for a second and looked at me. I felt beautiful. I casually looked around, spotted Sam and our friends and headed over. hehehe. This is probably all in my head, but I'll just pretend that happened. **giggle**
I got a drink and sat down in the corner with some people. I just sat there being cute and taking in the room. Dismantled was running a late sound check so we got to see them perform a song or two early. Then I spotted Brek, he walked through the crowd and seated himself at the bar. I watched him from my little corner, making sure he didn't see me. Yummy... he's just so yummy. I thought about walking over to him, but I decided tonight would be different. I wanted him to come to me. I got up a few times and walked around, said hi to people, walked downstairs once, just so I could be seen (not only by him, but others as well). He took a quick trip downstairs and on his return up, he spotted me and smiled. I smiled back at him and then turned my attention to some other people. He went back to the bar for a minute but then he came walking back to me. My plan had worked. hehehe.. gotta make them work for it. Of course, the moment he came over to me, I wrapped my arms around him and gave him a soft little kiss. Just a hello kiss, but a kiss nonetheless. I held onto him for a long time.
The first band that played, Whore, was decent, but.. the mic wasn't working so we couldn't hear his singing. They only played like... 3 songs. Then it was over. It took FOREVER for the second band to set up. And it wasn't even a band! It was a guy with a little mixer, a dinky casio keyboard, and some flashy bluelights. That's it! AND!!!! the guy played forever! I never thought it was going to end. It really sucked. I didn't like it at all. Plus, I was too busy flirting with Brek.
We bit each other a lot and cuddled a lot. I just love being held by him. He smells so good. I love biting him. It's fun. We flirted a lot. I know I shouldn't, but I just can't help him. I like him so much, I want him so much. Plus, he was flirting right back. I probably was just taking advantage of him though, he drank a lot last night. I feel kind of bad, but I really like him. I want to be with him. Of course the entire time I was yelling at myself for doing it, knowing I shouldn't be holding him so much, knowing I shouldn't be caressing him so much. We sat in the corner on a couch together and I held him, I clawed his tummy, I stroked his wonderfully strong arms. I couldn't take my eyes off him. He's so cute. I just stared at him, watched him. I'm so aweful. But I can't help it. I didn't want to, but at the same time I did.
I'm so angry with myself. I hurt when I'm without him. I hurt when I'm with him. I don't know what hurts more. I mean when I'm with him.. I have nothing. I have no Brek. But when I'm spending time with him, I get to see him, I get to talk to him, and on occasion, I get to touch him. Though this should make me happy, it still brings me much sorrow. I know that he doesn't love me, I know he's not with me and that I can't be with him, and I know he wants to be with Lisa. Why do I put myself through this? I've already been in a relationship like this and it sucked! I hurt so much from it. I suppose because Brek is different from David that I want to believe it will be o.k.
**Ok scary thought I just had. What if Brek isn't different like David? What if he's doing the same thing? What if he's just using me to get his kicks in. What if like David, he's lying? He's read all my blogs, he knows where I'm vulnerable, he knows.**
I wanted to cry all night while I was with him. I wanted to scream. I didn't want to let him go. I was angry when he left early. I was angry when he told me he wasn't going to go with me to the Bonfire tomorrow. I was angry that I can't have him. I was angry at Sam for being with Ammanda. I was angry watching them together. I'm hurting and I don't know how to make the pain go away.
Sam tells me I shouldn't put myself through such an experience. He knows it's the same thing. I already have that experience. But I can't just stop loving Brek. How do you make your heart stop loving? How do you turn off your emotions? Why do I submit myself to such torture? This is self-mutilation at it's finest.
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