Making Time and Questions..

So tonight turned out to be much different than I had expected. First, I imagined that Ben and I would have coffee, just talk for a bit, and then we'd go our seperate ways. He'd go off to his game, I'd go work and then go watch End of Cinematics. This however, was not the case.
I was sitting outside the dock waiting for Ben, when called. Lo and behold, he decided that he could go play his game any week but how often would it be that he'd get a free ticket to see a production at Krannert, let alone End of Cinematics which would only be shown twice here in Urbana.He figured after the production he'd go to the game.

He met me at the dock and we started walking to his place, which isn't very far at all. While walking he asked me if I wanted to go play paint ball. I said I didn't. Then he made up a very elaborate detailed scenario that involved us going to play paint ball all day, coming home and getting cleaned up, having dinner, and then going to a movie.. "Let's make it a date!" he exclaims. Ugh.. what's a girl to say?! .. Sadly I had to decline because well, I have a ton of homework to do! At first he teased me about it, but he's had to cancel numerous times because of homework and understood. I did however agree that we'd go to a movie. So I think that sated him enough.

We went to dinner at Dos Reales and talked and stuff. It was nice. Then we went to his place so he could change for the evening, then we went to my place so I could let him borrow a shirt, and then we went back to the Theatre. At the theatre we met up with some of his friends and I got to meet them. They seemed really nice, but of course me, I got really shy and a little jealous. But nobody had saved us seats so we sat alone towards the front. This is where things got a little akward...

Ben had said something stupid and sarcastic and of course I had to make a smart-ass retort of which he then rebutted me with his quick wit and such. I, acting offended, threatened to leave. Of course I didn't, pouted, and proceeded to rest my head on his shoulder. At which he moved his arm to lay behind me across my chair back. I felt akward.. and I could feel he probably too felt akward.

Me: Does this make you uncomfortable?

Ben: No.... but it does raise some questions.

Me: **silence** ............. should we discuss said questions now or wait till later.

Ben: I think I should gather my thoughts and questions.. you should gather your thoughts and questions.. and then we'll meet in the middle.

Me: What if I don't have any questions?

Ben: I'm sure you do.

**silence**

I felt totally akward and feigned a neck cramp to lift my head. Now I'm kind of curious to the questions he has. I mean.. what would he want to ask? I think it's obvious that I like him and I think it's quite apparent that I wouldn't mind having a relationship with him. I'd be quite shocked if he didn't realize this! I mean he's supposedly really good at reading and understanding people, hell, he could tell you my life story, my personality, and my secrets, just by having observed me for a couple days. So what questions would he have?!

I know I shouldn't worry about this. But I do. I worry that perhaps I was wrong and that he does just want to be friends. I worry that perhaps he does like me and he isn't ready for a relationship. I worry that if I don't say anything, he'll find somebody else and be with her. I worry that if I do say something, it'll freak him out and ruin our friendship. Crappy worrying.
I want to be honest. Yes I do like him. Yes I wouldn't mind being with him. Yes I do understand that he may not be ready and I'm willing to wait. I want to move at a pace that's comfortable for him because I understand he's been through a lot. I don't want to rush him. Le sigh... if he brings it up, I'll just be honest. But till then, I'm just not going to say anything and I'm going to tone down the flirting, though if I tone it down anymore... he may think I'm no longer interested.

Love is so complicated!

Nevertheless... we watched End of Cinematics. All I can say is that yes, it was kind of interesting. But for like the first 10 minutes. After which, I would have liked it to have ended. I seriously could have spent the evening better, like watching the Boondock Saints with Ben curled up on his couch. Ben actually fell asleep during the performance. Afterwards, he drove me home. I didn't give him a hug, he didn't try to get one from me before I scrambled out of the car. But I still had a good time with him and I still enjoyed spending the evening with him.

We'll see how tomorrow goes. Hopefully it'll be better.