Struggling..
There are all sorts of wonderful things happening in my life and at the same time, so many confusing and hard things. For the most part I'm good, I'm busy, I'm active, and life is grand. But then there are the moments when things get chaotically out of perspective or perhaps reality is slapping me in the face. I'm not quite sure.
I was praying last night, just for my friends and asking for the Lord to strengthen me when suddenly I started crying. I just totally freaked out about grad. school, about if what I'm doing is right. I feel so inept and ill equiped to be a cutter/draper. I flounder and I'm slow. I wonder if I'll ever have the skill or creativity to be successful in this business. My masks and creations in comparison are nothing to the awesome creations of others. I'm so tired of school. I don't want to have to take these classes anymore. I don't want to design and I don't want to assist! I just want to work and not have to study anymore! I want order in my life. I want to be able to do fun things with my friends and not have the feeling in the back of my mind that I should be studying or doing homework instead.
Also, with this whole Clint thing, I felt that perhaps I am ready for a real relationship and now that I've had a taste at what it can feel like to be pursued and cared for, I want more! Not necessarily from Clint because in all honesty our paths are going in opposite directions. I just feel ready, but then if the Lord is still saving me then I just have to wait. It just sucks because well, it's like having a wonderful dessert placed in front of you and you are allowed a very teeny tiny taste, then before you can really dive into it, you're not allowed, but it's sitting right there within reach. I want to be wanted, I want to be loved, and I want to be pursued. Is that so much to ask for?!
I know God has something awesome for me in life, in love, and in purpose. But I'm just not sure what that is or when it's going to happen. I feel i'm being prepared now as a leader and that a lot of interesting and challenging adventures are about to take place. But will I be able to procede? Lord give me patience. Lord give me peace. Lord, give me strength. Lord, let me be satisfied in you.
There are all sorts of wonderful things happening in my life and at the same time, so many confusing and hard things. For the most part I'm good, I'm busy, I'm active, and life is grand. But then there are the moments when things get chaotically out of perspective or perhaps reality is slapping me in the face. I'm not quite sure.
I was praying last night, just for my friends and asking for the Lord to strengthen me when suddenly I started crying. I just totally freaked out about grad. school, about if what I'm doing is right. I feel so inept and ill equiped to be a cutter/draper. I flounder and I'm slow. I wonder if I'll ever have the skill or creativity to be successful in this business. My masks and creations in comparison are nothing to the awesome creations of others. I'm so tired of school. I don't want to have to take these classes anymore. I don't want to design and I don't want to assist! I just want to work and not have to study anymore! I want order in my life. I want to be able to do fun things with my friends and not have the feeling in the back of my mind that I should be studying or doing homework instead.
Also, with this whole Clint thing, I felt that perhaps I am ready for a real relationship and now that I've had a taste at what it can feel like to be pursued and cared for, I want more! Not necessarily from Clint because in all honesty our paths are going in opposite directions. I just feel ready, but then if the Lord is still saving me then I just have to wait. It just sucks because well, it's like having a wonderful dessert placed in front of you and you are allowed a very teeny tiny taste, then before you can really dive into it, you're not allowed, but it's sitting right there within reach. I want to be wanted, I want to be loved, and I want to be pursued. Is that so much to ask for?!
I know God has something awesome for me in life, in love, and in purpose. But I'm just not sure what that is or when it's going to happen. I feel i'm being prepared now as a leader and that a lot of interesting and challenging adventures are about to take place. But will I be able to procede? Lord give me patience. Lord give me peace. Lord, give me strength. Lord, let me be satisfied in you.
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