Moonlight Suffering

It's so hot and we don't have air conditioning. I suppose realistically it's not that bad! I could be outside directly in the sunlight having to do hard labor. Still, I'm sticky all over and even sleeping at night in uncomfortable. My room is the bottom level and I can't really leave my window open. Plus, I don't want people walking by and to see me sleeping either. That's just creepy.

I suppose the real point of this blog isn't to bitch about the weather. I've just been chatting with my friend Mike from back in Illinois. He hasn't IMed me in a while and the first thing he sends is something about Clint. Immediately my heart leapt into my throat and I got those old butterfly feelings.

I forgot to mention that on my little trip back to Urbana, Clint and I hung out one evening after his small group. While he worked on his speaker I played Metroid on his Game Cube. It was pretty fun but I'm never good at those kind of first person shooter games. Give me some Legend of Zelda and I'll show you a Master of the Nintendo. Nevertheless I had a good time playing while I chatted with Clint and he helped me through the first level. Afterwards, he got me some water and we watched Constantine. I had expected only to stay for an hour, but he just put the movie on so I stayed. Originally he had been sitting in the chair further away from where I sat on the couch. But while we watched the movie, he sat on the chair closer to me. This still was not close, but closer. It made me remember when we had dated and he'd come over and we'd watch t.v. together. Movies.. whatever. It made me think of when he'd sit on the couch with me and all that.

It was good. We didn't really talk much but enjoyed the movie and I enjoyed just the fact that we were there together. I have to be careful not to flirt too much or making an comments that could be interpretted as flirty. I'm trying so hard to be his friend, just his friend. It's hard though. I miss how he used to look at me. How he would look at me as though I were the most beautiful thing ever created. How it felt when he held me. Even our akward first kiss. **laughs a little**

I'm still contemplating tell him that I still have feelings for him. But the more it seems like it would be best if I said nothing at all. That we should just be friends. Realistically, and I've said this a thousand times, I don't think we're right for each other. We want different things. Clint doesn't seem like the guy who would share with me the things that I love to do, and while I'd go and do things to make him happy, I don't think he would in return. It seems too much like my parent's. And I want someone who will really understand me, and I don't know if Clint ever could.

Nevertheless.. I still think of him often.

Currently listening : Matter + Form By VNV Nation Release date: By 12 April, 2005