I know I said the last post would be the last post but I just had an amazing night, the strangest night. I couldn't deprive my friends and readers of it. Sorry, I just couldn't help it! It's kind of long, but oh so worth it!
The Wierdest Night of My Life
May 20th, 2004
Tonight has to have been the weirdest night of my life. I’m serious! The events that occurred are just mind boggling, unbelievable, and awesome. I’m still confused as to what is going on, what happened, or what to even think or do next. All I know is that I have to write it down. It can’t go unremembered. Where to begin… I suppose where my even started. Tonight was another date I had with Breck. We knew we were going to see each other; we just didn’t have anything planned. He called me about a half hour after 5, (5:30ish) and we chitchatted. We made our plans to go to the mall, which is kewl because I don’t remember the last time I’d been to the mall to shop for me. Now it was a matter of deciding how we were to do this. Were we just going to meet at the mall or should I go to Breck’s and then we’d go to the mall from there. Me, I really wanted to go to Breck’s because that would mean going back and having some alone time. Breck wasn’t going to make the decision (I’ll explain why later) so I said I’d go over there. So I get there, we talk for a bit, just shooting the breeze and then we head to the mall. It was nice. We walked, we talked, we laughed, we ate ice cream, little to my knowledge that deep down he was carrying a large burden. You see we both were. I’ve been going through this really hard phase in my life, dealing with David and separating myself from Liss and just changing as a person. Then I meet Breck who I’m just crazy about. We hit it off really well and it’s great. But I’m torn between how I feel for him. One part, the injured cold hearted side, wants to just have a summer fling and get my kicks while I’m young. But the softer gentler loving side to me wanted more, was hoping to find ‘the one.’ That side really liked Breck a lot. Nonetheless, I knew that Breck had just gotten out of a 3 year relationship just in February. I knew deep down that he probably still had feelings for the girl and that he most likely wasn’t over her. I knew that nothing would probably ever happen, which was good for the bad side of me, but not for the good side. So I’ve been wanting to talk to Breck about it. I think Jason is right in that I am very “accosting.” I know what I want and I go for it full force. Therefore, knowing Breck’s recent past, I wanted to be sure I wasn’t making him uncomfortable. Talking with some of my friends they simply said to not worry about it, but to just see where things lead, see what happens naturally. So that was my plan. Just be me, if Breck didn’t approve or whatever, he’d say so.
So we leave the mall and head back to his place. We sit on the couch and cuddle for a long time. We say nothing for a long time. We just sit there, holding each other. Finally, we start to talk. Small stuff at first, just talking. I learn so much about him just in our short conversing. Then the subject moves to mother’s and I blurt out a question about his relationship with his father, totally forgetting that he just lost his father on Valentine’s Day. But he isn’t angry or hurt for bringing up the subject. In fact, he goes right a long and talks to me about it. Without hindrance, he lets me know what happened and what he had been feeling. I felt bad for bringing up the subject because I know it must have been hurting him so much, but he just kept on talking. I listened. I didn’t know what to say. How could I help ease his pain? I just listened and let him know in my own little way that I cared. I’m glad that we got to talk and were getting close. We hadn’t really ever ‘talked.’ We had amused each other and simply chatted, but never really connected in our conversing. Still, I was wondering why he wouldn’t kiss me. There were so many opportune moments. There were so many hints: the way he caressed my face and played with my hair, the way I tilted my head and closed my eyes, the way we would just gaze into each other’s eyes. But we didn’t kiss. Instead, we continued to talk. We talked about all sorts of things, art, music, dancing, but more and more, we talked about our emotions and who we were. Brek said, “You are the girl version of me.” I was quite stunned by the comment. How was I like him? He hardly knew me. What in the world would make him think this? I stopped pretending. I told him how I was so angry and how I was hurting. He somehow already knew. He knew how it felt to be like this because he went through the same thing. He was me at my age. I could not believe it. We talked more about how much we dislike people and how we were so solitary. We both enjoy being alone and how much the outside world is the outside world. People are idiots. But Brek said I wouldn’t feel that way much longer. He said I’d grow and the anger would go away little by little. I said how I didn’t like to talk to people because when I said things, they all looked at me like I was stupid. Brek looked squarely at me and told me not to think that. That I should not ever think I was stupid. He knew I was not; it was as if he peered down into my soul and knew who I was, the real me, not the façade. I was so confused. How did he knew me so well? Earlier I had mentioned that I liked to stay quiet and sit back and observe people.
Brek: I’ve been observing you… For the past two days.
Me: What?
Brek: You are not stupid.
Me: How do you know?
For the past couple days, Brek has been reading my blog. That’s right. He’s read everything I’ve written, he’s read all the pain and joy I’ve been going through. He knew all the hardships I’ve endured and all the suffering I’ve had. Brek knew all the people in my life and the different relationships I’ve had. I was in shock. I was extremely embarrassed. I was amazed. For the longest time I turned bright red. I couldn’t even look at him. He did know me. He knew all the things I’ve hidden away that I thought nobody knew about. He said I am an amazing writer, that I blew him away. Apparently he has this problem with paying attention, but that he read all I had written, must be a good sign. He said that I make things come life and can paint a beautiful picture with words. That you just don’t understand the pain and emotions, you don’t observe them from down the hall or across the way, but you can feel them deep down inside. Again I was astonished. The only other person I know who loves my writing is Liss, but she’s never responded like this to what I’ve written before. No one has ever responded in such an effected manner ever before! I was touched that he thought so highly of my writing and at the same time that I could evoke such passion. The moment was awesome. Simply awesome.
The mood changed, almost too quickly, and I felt it. He had something he needed to talk about. I knew he did. Earlier before we began our deeper discussions I asked him if there was anything he wanted to talk about, he had said maybe which I knew was yes. At the moment I didn’t think twice about it, but now I knew something was up. I knew for the most part what he was going to say, but I didn’t know to the extent that it would take us. Something else he had said suddenly became evident. When he had said I was the girl version of him, he also let slip, “If nothing at all, it will make us really great friends.” I didn’t pick up on it but I did now. He was having the hardest time getting the words out, so I took the initiative. I let him know how I felt, that I was conflicted on how I felt about him. A part of me just wanted to have fun, the other wanted something more with him. At the same time I let him know that I understood he was still struggling with his recent breakup and that I understood if nothing would come from our relationship. That was the jist of it, but he had more that he wanted to add. He mentioned a blog that I had written sometime after Christmas that had made him cry. I had written a letter to my future husband. Instantly I had to turn away because I started to sob. He said that he read it over and over and over again. (I want to go and read it again, but not right now, for fear that I will break down once more.) It made him cry and at he heard a voice say to him as he read it, “That’s what Lisa is thinking about for you.” Lisa is the girl Brek had recently broken up with. A moment of instant joy turned into instant pain. There had been the slightest hope that perhaps I had found the one meant for me, but as quickly as it was born, it was crushed. The pain I’d been feeling for so long, the loneliness, anger, and disappointed flooded over me and I lost it. He was saying this not to hurt my but to let me knew he wasn’t sure of what was going on. He didn’t want to lead me on, he didn’t want to cause me pain. But I wanted my search to be at an end. I wanted Brek to be him so much. Brek tried his best to comfort me, it broke his heart to have to do it.
Brek and I do have a lot in common. We are both shy and quiet. We both enjoy spending time alone in the dark. We love same type of music. We love dancing and art. We have both gone through long periods in loneliness. We love the same t.v. shows and clothing styles. We think along the same lines and share some of the same ideals. Brek just has more experience. The most important common trait that we share is ‘our first love.” That’s right. We’re both Christians. I had had no idea and was really concerned whether or not he was. Come to find out, he is and quite! This ended up making everything so much easier. I knew that the Lord had spoke to him and said the thing about Lisa. If that’s what the Lord wants, then that is what we’ll do. Brek held me and told me how he didn’t want to lose me. He didn’t want to lose such a great new friend, He didn’t want to stop spending time with me, and He didn’t want to lose his dancing partner. He wouldn’t stop calling me, he wouldn’t stop sending me e-mails. Though I was upset I know the Lord brought us together for some reason. Brek was there to help me get over David, and perhaps I was there to help Brek find his way with Lisa. I was still pissed at having lost Brek. Brek is such a wonderful guy. How often do I find a really hot guy who will wear eyeliner, shiny vinyl pants, and a corset?! How often do I find a guy who can dance, loves the same music I love, and is a Christian?! How often do I find a guy who is nice, funny, strong, and honest?! And to top it off.. how often do I find a guy who is all of these?!?!?!?!?!?! Our timing is so off.. so so very off and we both know it! Brek really does like me, he really does think I’m pretty, he knows I’m smart and that I have a lot to offer. It just may not be meant to be. We sat there for the longest time quite confused, not knowing what to say, what to think, what to feel. After a long moment of silence I just knew I wasn’t going to give him up. Like I’ve said before, it’s better to have a friend than to have nothing. I threw my arms around him and squeezed him tight, I wasn’t going to let him go.
Almost instantaneously, the mood changed again. A peace settled around us as well as a sudden joy. I could not help but to laugh. I was so happy. The pain was virtually gone. Though I know Brek and I may only ever get to be friends, that’s ok. I just want him to be happy and if God wants him to be with Lisa, than that’s what I want as well. Plus I got this great new friend who I can go to and who will be able to understand me. He will watch out for me and take care of me if I need him. I felt so giddy and light. I was so confused but oh so excited. I couldn’t contain my joy. I wiggled,laughed and hugged Brek so much. I smiled so big and for so long my cheeks even began to hurt. There are still moments when I’m saddened but overall, there is this overabundance of love, joy, and peace. Still I’m not sure exactly what has occurred I just know that everything is going to be o.k. God is so weird sometimes, but that’s what makes him so kewl.
The Wierdest Night of My Life
May 20th, 2004
Tonight has to have been the weirdest night of my life. I’m serious! The events that occurred are just mind boggling, unbelievable, and awesome. I’m still confused as to what is going on, what happened, or what to even think or do next. All I know is that I have to write it down. It can’t go unremembered. Where to begin… I suppose where my even started. Tonight was another date I had with Breck. We knew we were going to see each other; we just didn’t have anything planned. He called me about a half hour after 5, (5:30ish) and we chitchatted. We made our plans to go to the mall, which is kewl because I don’t remember the last time I’d been to the mall to shop for me. Now it was a matter of deciding how we were to do this. Were we just going to meet at the mall or should I go to Breck’s and then we’d go to the mall from there. Me, I really wanted to go to Breck’s because that would mean going back and having some alone time. Breck wasn’t going to make the decision (I’ll explain why later) so I said I’d go over there. So I get there, we talk for a bit, just shooting the breeze and then we head to the mall. It was nice. We walked, we talked, we laughed, we ate ice cream, little to my knowledge that deep down he was carrying a large burden. You see we both were. I’ve been going through this really hard phase in my life, dealing with David and separating myself from Liss and just changing as a person. Then I meet Breck who I’m just crazy about. We hit it off really well and it’s great. But I’m torn between how I feel for him. One part, the injured cold hearted side, wants to just have a summer fling and get my kicks while I’m young. But the softer gentler loving side to me wanted more, was hoping to find ‘the one.’ That side really liked Breck a lot. Nonetheless, I knew that Breck had just gotten out of a 3 year relationship just in February. I knew deep down that he probably still had feelings for the girl and that he most likely wasn’t over her. I knew that nothing would probably ever happen, which was good for the bad side of me, but not for the good side. So I’ve been wanting to talk to Breck about it. I think Jason is right in that I am very “accosting.” I know what I want and I go for it full force. Therefore, knowing Breck’s recent past, I wanted to be sure I wasn’t making him uncomfortable. Talking with some of my friends they simply said to not worry about it, but to just see where things lead, see what happens naturally. So that was my plan. Just be me, if Breck didn’t approve or whatever, he’d say so.
So we leave the mall and head back to his place. We sit on the couch and cuddle for a long time. We say nothing for a long time. We just sit there, holding each other. Finally, we start to talk. Small stuff at first, just talking. I learn so much about him just in our short conversing. Then the subject moves to mother’s and I blurt out a question about his relationship with his father, totally forgetting that he just lost his father on Valentine’s Day. But he isn’t angry or hurt for bringing up the subject. In fact, he goes right a long and talks to me about it. Without hindrance, he lets me know what happened and what he had been feeling. I felt bad for bringing up the subject because I know it must have been hurting him so much, but he just kept on talking. I listened. I didn’t know what to say. How could I help ease his pain? I just listened and let him know in my own little way that I cared. I’m glad that we got to talk and were getting close. We hadn’t really ever ‘talked.’ We had amused each other and simply chatted, but never really connected in our conversing. Still, I was wondering why he wouldn’t kiss me. There were so many opportune moments. There were so many hints: the way he caressed my face and played with my hair, the way I tilted my head and closed my eyes, the way we would just gaze into each other’s eyes. But we didn’t kiss. Instead, we continued to talk. We talked about all sorts of things, art, music, dancing, but more and more, we talked about our emotions and who we were. Brek said, “You are the girl version of me.” I was quite stunned by the comment. How was I like him? He hardly knew me. What in the world would make him think this? I stopped pretending. I told him how I was so angry and how I was hurting. He somehow already knew. He knew how it felt to be like this because he went through the same thing. He was me at my age. I could not believe it. We talked more about how much we dislike people and how we were so solitary. We both enjoy being alone and how much the outside world is the outside world. People are idiots. But Brek said I wouldn’t feel that way much longer. He said I’d grow and the anger would go away little by little. I said how I didn’t like to talk to people because when I said things, they all looked at me like I was stupid. Brek looked squarely at me and told me not to think that. That I should not ever think I was stupid. He knew I was not; it was as if he peered down into my soul and knew who I was, the real me, not the façade. I was so confused. How did he knew me so well? Earlier I had mentioned that I liked to stay quiet and sit back and observe people.
Brek: I’ve been observing you… For the past two days.
Me: What?
Brek: You are not stupid.
Me: How do you know?
For the past couple days, Brek has been reading my blog. That’s right. He’s read everything I’ve written, he’s read all the pain and joy I’ve been going through. He knew all the hardships I’ve endured and all the suffering I’ve had. Brek knew all the people in my life and the different relationships I’ve had. I was in shock. I was extremely embarrassed. I was amazed. For the longest time I turned bright red. I couldn’t even look at him. He did know me. He knew all the things I’ve hidden away that I thought nobody knew about. He said I am an amazing writer, that I blew him away. Apparently he has this problem with paying attention, but that he read all I had written, must be a good sign. He said that I make things come life and can paint a beautiful picture with words. That you just don’t understand the pain and emotions, you don’t observe them from down the hall or across the way, but you can feel them deep down inside. Again I was astonished. The only other person I know who loves my writing is Liss, but she’s never responded like this to what I’ve written before. No one has ever responded in such an effected manner ever before! I was touched that he thought so highly of my writing and at the same time that I could evoke such passion. The moment was awesome. Simply awesome.
The mood changed, almost too quickly, and I felt it. He had something he needed to talk about. I knew he did. Earlier before we began our deeper discussions I asked him if there was anything he wanted to talk about, he had said maybe which I knew was yes. At the moment I didn’t think twice about it, but now I knew something was up. I knew for the most part what he was going to say, but I didn’t know to the extent that it would take us. Something else he had said suddenly became evident. When he had said I was the girl version of him, he also let slip, “If nothing at all, it will make us really great friends.” I didn’t pick up on it but I did now. He was having the hardest time getting the words out, so I took the initiative. I let him know how I felt, that I was conflicted on how I felt about him. A part of me just wanted to have fun, the other wanted something more with him. At the same time I let him know that I understood he was still struggling with his recent breakup and that I understood if nothing would come from our relationship. That was the jist of it, but he had more that he wanted to add. He mentioned a blog that I had written sometime after Christmas that had made him cry. I had written a letter to my future husband. Instantly I had to turn away because I started to sob. He said that he read it over and over and over again. (I want to go and read it again, but not right now, for fear that I will break down once more.) It made him cry and at he heard a voice say to him as he read it, “That’s what Lisa is thinking about for you.” Lisa is the girl Brek had recently broken up with. A moment of instant joy turned into instant pain. There had been the slightest hope that perhaps I had found the one meant for me, but as quickly as it was born, it was crushed. The pain I’d been feeling for so long, the loneliness, anger, and disappointed flooded over me and I lost it. He was saying this not to hurt my but to let me knew he wasn’t sure of what was going on. He didn’t want to lead me on, he didn’t want to cause me pain. But I wanted my search to be at an end. I wanted Brek to be him so much. Brek tried his best to comfort me, it broke his heart to have to do it.
Brek and I do have a lot in common. We are both shy and quiet. We both enjoy spending time alone in the dark. We love same type of music. We love dancing and art. We have both gone through long periods in loneliness. We love the same t.v. shows and clothing styles. We think along the same lines and share some of the same ideals. Brek just has more experience. The most important common trait that we share is ‘our first love.” That’s right. We’re both Christians. I had had no idea and was really concerned whether or not he was. Come to find out, he is and quite! This ended up making everything so much easier. I knew that the Lord had spoke to him and said the thing about Lisa. If that’s what the Lord wants, then that is what we’ll do. Brek held me and told me how he didn’t want to lose me. He didn’t want to lose such a great new friend, He didn’t want to stop spending time with me, and He didn’t want to lose his dancing partner. He wouldn’t stop calling me, he wouldn’t stop sending me e-mails. Though I was upset I know the Lord brought us together for some reason. Brek was there to help me get over David, and perhaps I was there to help Brek find his way with Lisa. I was still pissed at having lost Brek. Brek is such a wonderful guy. How often do I find a really hot guy who will wear eyeliner, shiny vinyl pants, and a corset?! How often do I find a guy who can dance, loves the same music I love, and is a Christian?! How often do I find a guy who is nice, funny, strong, and honest?! And to top it off.. how often do I find a guy who is all of these?!?!?!?!?!?! Our timing is so off.. so so very off and we both know it! Brek really does like me, he really does think I’m pretty, he knows I’m smart and that I have a lot to offer. It just may not be meant to be. We sat there for the longest time quite confused, not knowing what to say, what to think, what to feel. After a long moment of silence I just knew I wasn’t going to give him up. Like I’ve said before, it’s better to have a friend than to have nothing. I threw my arms around him and squeezed him tight, I wasn’t going to let him go.
Almost instantaneously, the mood changed again. A peace settled around us as well as a sudden joy. I could not help but to laugh. I was so happy. The pain was virtually gone. Though I know Brek and I may only ever get to be friends, that’s ok. I just want him to be happy and if God wants him to be with Lisa, than that’s what I want as well. Plus I got this great new friend who I can go to and who will be able to understand me. He will watch out for me and take care of me if I need him. I felt so giddy and light. I was so confused but oh so excited. I couldn’t contain my joy. I wiggled,laughed and hugged Brek so much. I smiled so big and for so long my cheeks even began to hurt. There are still moments when I’m saddened but overall, there is this overabundance of love, joy, and peace. Still I’m not sure exactly what has occurred I just know that everything is going to be o.k. God is so weird sometimes, but that’s what makes him so kewl.
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