Pleasure In Pain

Ok so I couldn't sleep last night and there were all sorts of thoughts running through my head. I grabbed my pen and paper and wrote a poem that is quite different from the usual stuff that I write. Ok.. here it goes.

Pleasure in Pain

The thing of which I speak is quite controversial,
The subject that it covers is definate universal.
People love people, it happens all of the time;
Closed behind the doors you'll find them locked, intertwined.
The method we employ differs in many fashions and ways,
Nothing is shocking or forbidden these days.
Some people can be gentle, others prefer to be rough;
But pleasure without pain is simply never enough.

Get down on your knees and say pretty please!
I'll do what you want, if you do what I say,
Because I'm your master and you're my slave.

The rules are quite simple, they aren't hard at all.
If you follow them you're sure to have yourself a ball.
Biting is acceptable, no wait, it's required!
That's one little treat for me that i'll never get tired.
Scratching is necessary, it's o.k. to leave marks,
Wild nights of escapades are remembered in scars.
Push me, Restrain me, make me fight.
There's pleasure in pain if you can handle it right.

- Raivyn Fitzpatrick

More Internal Struggling

I went dancing last night, second time this week. I had gone out thursday but had a really boring time. The music wasn't that great and I was just uncomfortable in my outfit so I did not have much fun. Anyways... Robert called me up Saturday and told me he was going back to school and said he'd be going to the club Sunday night. I hadn't seen him in a while so I figured, what the heck. I got my paper done on Saturday so I wouldn't have to worry about it, chose an outfit I knew I'd be comfortable dancing in, and headed out to dance the night away.

As soon as I walked in, Robert was standing there. Yeah, I am not attracted to him in the least bit. He is not cute and just.. not my type. Plus, he had shaved his head. He looked horrible. But he's still my friend and we talked and hung out. He bought me a drink and we danced. Also, he doesn't dance well with me. He dances wierd, well not wierd, but different from me. So I don't like to dance with him. If he stands over there **points to the other side of the stage** we're good. The whole night when we weren't dancing we'd stand together and he'd poke and prod me, flirting. I was quite unreceptive and pushed him playfully hoping he'd get the hint. It's just not the same. Granted, I had a blast last night. I hadn't had that much fun at The Church in weeks and I really danced my ass off. But it's so different. I don't know if I want to go dancing there anymore. I might just stop going till I'm done with my summer classes, and then go during my two weeks break. Then I won't have time at all during Fall Semester to go. So that will give me some time to recoop and reappreciate the club. But when I go and I don't have any friends there, I tend to get angry, lonely, and sad.

The problem is that I associate The Church with Brek now. We've spent so much time together there, and so much has happened with us there. There are so many memories: Songs, Tastes, Smells, Sights, People. They make me yearn for him. Certain songs make me cry, others make me angry. I hate watching people dance together and remember how it feels to be held by him. I've seen guys walk by wearing clothes like Brek does and get excited because I think it's him, but it's not. I smell him sometimes and wish he was there. I ache for him. I miss him so much.

I suppose he's been busy. You know he usually sends me 2-3 e-mails a day right? Well.. I've gotten maybe 3 e-mails the past 10 days. He said he would call me two saturdays ago remember? Well.. he still hasn't called. He wrote me an e-mail and said he promised to call me last saturday (like three days ago) ... my phone hasn't rang. I'm so pissed! I mean, yeah I understand if you're busy. But how hard is it to make a 2 minute phone call. Don't fucking promise to do something, if you aren't going to do it! I can understand if he's busy, but it doesn't take that long to just say hello and check in. I would appreciate it more if I could hear his voice and have him tell me, an e-mail is so void of emotion and personality.

I'm dealing with a lot of trust issues (Thanks David). In my mind I don't know if he's telling me the truth. I asked him before I left for Houston if he'd ever lie to me and he replied, "What would the point of it be? It's a waste of time." I know he's better than David and I want to believe that he wouldn't lie to me. I don't lie either, but I don't always tell the whole truth. Perhaps he isn't telling me everything. I'm sure he isn't. He probably isn't telling me certain details to spare my emotions, which in a way in honorable, but that still leaves me suspicious. I just wish we could all be honest and open. What do we have to hide?