My Life is a Jerry Springer Episode

You know what I'm talking about, I know you've watched at least one of episode of Springer. It's a fabulous show, one of the best. My brother and I like have lunch together in the afternoons and sit down and watch some good ole Jerry. Not that we get some kind of sick pleasure from it, we just like laughing at the idiotic people. Are people really like that? Well.. I guess they are. One thing that has always irritated me about the show are the girls. These girls are just insane. They with some guy (who is usually totally ugly) and then when the guy cheats on them or something they go balistic (which is understandable). But they don't get angry with the guy, they are angry at the bitch that he is screwing. Of course the guy will 'feel bad' and be all, "I'm so sorry baby. I won't do it again." And the stupid girls take the guy back. It just blows my mind. He ain't worth it hunny! You could do so much better! ..... Sadly however, I find my self in almost the same position.

I have David. He hasn't cheated on me, we never had a commitment. He does however have a girlfriend and on many occasions lied to me. Supposedly he started having feelings for me **aww!** and was having difficulty with his girlfriend Martha. So he was struggling between who he wanted to be with, because I was at the point where I didn't want there to be a Martha anymore. He kept saying he would take care of it, but days turned into weeks etc etc. I couldn't take it anymore. Like I've said before, if he had really wanted to be with me, he would have been. I was so angry with David that the past couple days haven't been so bad. **woo! You go girl!** Then the reality of the situation hit and I broke down. I was so strong, now I feel so weak. I find myself turning into those girls who consistantly run back to the man who isn't treating them they way they should. Even though they just get hurt, they keep coming back. What makes a woman do this? On many occasions Jerry has asked why? The same reply they all give is, "Because I love him Jerry." ** aww, boo!**

Jerry: If you know what he's done to you in the past, why do you want to be with him? Can you really trust this guy? If he doesn't want to be with you, why do you keep pursueing him?
Me: Because I love him. It's so painstakingly true.

** Jerry Jerry Jerry!**

Random Thought of the Day

So I was listening to the radio and a commercial came on, damned commercials. It was about some grocery store, Albertson's I suppose, and they were advertising Green and Purple Seedless Grapes. Now my question is this,
If these grapes are seedless... how do they reproduce? Are they cloned? Is every grape I eat the same exact grape as the one before? Creepy much? Maybe they just sprout off the vine? But if that's the case, where does the vine come from? Maybe the grapes have seeds but someone has to go and pull every seed out of the grape before shipping them off. No, that seems like too much work. It's quite a mystery. I wonder if we can grow other things without seeds, like apples, lemons, or maybe even avacados!

Made a decision

I've decided not to live like this anymore. No this isn't a suicide note! I'm just saying, I'm not going to be the other woman, be the girl he runs to when things are bad, be the one who's convenient, the one to occupy his time till he can see her. I'm me and I deserve a lot more. This time I'm going to be stronger. This time I know my decision, I know why I made the decision, and I know that it's right. I should have listened to my gut feeling a long time ago. But most importantly I made a decision to not be with someone who does not love me and does not cherish me the way I should. I'm sorry it had to come to this, I think what we had could have been something special, but wait... he didn't love me. He loves Martha.They'll be happy together, as it should be. It's going to be o.k. The Lord is good and he'll take care of me. He always has, and always will. I just wonder if Dave cares... i guess it doesn't matter. I will survive. No I won't mearly survive, I'll Live!

Valentine's Day sucks!

Yes I know you've heard me complain about it before, but it's just the truth. Not everything about the day is all that bad, but there are parts that just bite. (and not in the good way) This year I made plans with my best friend Liss to watch a play and instead of focusing on how I'm not loved and not with anyone, I would focus on Jesus. Because Jesus loves me, and I love Jesus. It's a mutual thing. Therefore I can celebrate Valentine's because someone does truly, honestly, loves me with all their heart. Anyways I'm getting off subject. The fact is, yesterday had it's good points and it bad. We'll start with the good. I got to spend the evening with Liss and we reconciled alot of our issues and I think have grown closer. We talked about things we hadn't vocalized and internally been burning about. I'm so glad to finally get alot of those emotions off my chest and see her perspective. We realized what we had been doing, but even more so, I did. And I realized how much I wasn't being a good friend and how much of the rift between us was in fact, my fault. But it's ok now. We're all good.

We had a good time last night. We went to watch the Vagina Monologues. It, in itself, was not what i was expecting. I can honestly say that I was not ready to watch the play and for the most part, I was incredibly uncomfortable. A lot of the monologues discussed the topic of sex and masturbation. This of course made me very nervous. I understood what they were talking about, but I couldn't connect with it as I can with alot of other plays. There was a distance, a gap, due to my lack of experience. But I'm proud of that difference. I'm proud to say that I'm a 21 year old virgin. Yes, it's hard at times, but i know it damn sure is worth it. Another subject they talked about that was unusual for me was the Vagina itself. They talked about it as if it were a living breathing individual person all in itself. I don't think of it that way. Yes it's a part of my body but that's about it. I try not to think about it, discuss it, and I sure as hell don't think up of ways to name it, dress it, or what it would say if it could speak. All the women in the play identified themselves according to their Vagina. I am not my Vagina, my Vagina is not me. If you want to talk to me, look at my face, look into my eyes, and hear my heart. My heart is who I am. I am not personified because of my vagina, because i am a sexual being. No. The people I love, care for, the things I do, and things I am come from my heart. If you want to know who I am, you won't find it down there, you'll find it right here.

Now we come to the bad part of the evening. I talked to David yesterday I guess around 2ish or so. He called me around 6:45, but by then i was with Liss and wasn't going to put her on hold. I had hoped after we got home, he would be there and we could all hang out. But he wasn't home. Earlier we had discussed that he would probably just drive around all night, and perhaps go make a surprise visit to someone (i.e. Martha). When we got home and he wasn't there, I knew that is where he was. I knew it deep down in my bones, and I was scared. My tummy churned in anguish, in fear, in pain. I stayed till almost 12, just talking with my best friend, waiting. Too tired and worried to stay, I left. I drove home crying because of the thoughts that filled my head. Was he with her? Was he getting back together with her? Was he fucking her? It killed me that I didn't know what was happeneing. The past two weeks he's been with me. Spending time with me and family, going out with me, talking to me. For the first time, I had no idea what was going on. Like I said, I was scared! I wanted to call him, but I didn't want interupt him if they were talking, and even more so, if they were doing 'other' things. I don't know what to feel or think. I'm hurt. My gut tells me they're o.k. again, they are back together again. Where does that leave me? I'm alone. I'm back to where I started. I'm back to where I was in October. If he cared about me, if he loved me, he would be with me. But the truth is, he's not.