The Prude I am
Current mood: crushed
We had one of those a/c and beer nights. It's so freaking hot now adays, the SM's and such have been hosting bashes to escape the heat and mosquitos. This is the first one I've been to, and it was alright. Not the best function I've been to but better than sitting alone in my apt.
So first I was drinking and hanging, but then people got loud. So Patrick and I went outside to talk, plus he got a call from his boyfriend. We talked outside and stuff, and when our cups were empty, went in for more. Adam had arrived by this point and I got to hug him, talk to him, and such. Adam is super scrumptious. He's one of the actors from "Steady Rain." Oh my goodness is he gorgeous! **melts**
Anyways.. I don't know why I went outside, perhaps I was looking for where Adam had wandered off to but outside instead I found Fowler. Fowler is the supervisor sound guy. So we're talking and I mention how I'm attracted to Adam and he tried to get me to hit on him but I'm like, "no.. i think he has a g/f." So then Fowler and I continue to talk about theatre and past productions at NYSAF. Just talking. Then somehow or another we get to talking about other things and I'm pretty sure he asked me to go home with him. I was pretty caught off guard because well he has a g/f and well, I didn't think he'd be into me. But it comes to find out he was, at least for tonight.
I veered the conversation away from that, but then we wound back to it. He was quite abrupt and straightforward. Now I won't say that I wasn't interested. Fowler is one of those big, beefy, strong, Texas kind of guys. The kind who can really man handle you and make you feel like a woman. heh. But I have my morals and my ways, and my beliefs. As much as I would have liked to go home with him, Ididn't want to have sex. I didn't want him to touch me that much, and I wasn't willing to give him what he wanted. I would have gone home with him if we could have just made out and cuddled and stuff.. but he called that "highschool."
After debating the issue and talking it through, we both decided it would be the bad decision on both our parts. He also realized that I was a virgin, which most people probably don't know.
It's funny. This should be one of those proud moments! I'm freaking hot enough for a guy that I'm interested in to hit on me and want to sleep with me and I was strong enough to turn him down! But that isn't the case at all. Instead I feel horrible! I feel like a Prude. I feel stingy and callous, unfeeling, boring, and stupid. Why is that?! He said that what I wanted to do was "Highschool." Like kissing and cuddling aren't important and don't mean anything! In a way it makes me feel like I'm missing out on a lot of things. It makes me feel perhaps not like a whole person and childish.
All I know is that instead of feeling good.. I feel terrible. Le sigh.
Current mood: crushed
We had one of those a/c and beer nights. It's so freaking hot now adays, the SM's and such have been hosting bashes to escape the heat and mosquitos. This is the first one I've been to, and it was alright. Not the best function I've been to but better than sitting alone in my apt.
So first I was drinking and hanging, but then people got loud. So Patrick and I went outside to talk, plus he got a call from his boyfriend. We talked outside and stuff, and when our cups were empty, went in for more. Adam had arrived by this point and I got to hug him, talk to him, and such. Adam is super scrumptious. He's one of the actors from "Steady Rain." Oh my goodness is he gorgeous! **melts**
Anyways.. I don't know why I went outside, perhaps I was looking for where Adam had wandered off to but outside instead I found Fowler. Fowler is the supervisor sound guy. So we're talking and I mention how I'm attracted to Adam and he tried to get me to hit on him but I'm like, "no.. i think he has a g/f." So then Fowler and I continue to talk about theatre and past productions at NYSAF. Just talking. Then somehow or another we get to talking about other things and I'm pretty sure he asked me to go home with him. I was pretty caught off guard because well he has a g/f and well, I didn't think he'd be into me. But it comes to find out he was, at least for tonight.
I veered the conversation away from that, but then we wound back to it. He was quite abrupt and straightforward. Now I won't say that I wasn't interested. Fowler is one of those big, beefy, strong, Texas kind of guys. The kind who can really man handle you and make you feel like a woman. heh. But I have my morals and my ways, and my beliefs. As much as I would have liked to go home with him, Ididn't want to have sex. I didn't want him to touch me that much, and I wasn't willing to give him what he wanted. I would have gone home with him if we could have just made out and cuddled and stuff.. but he called that "highschool."
After debating the issue and talking it through, we both decided it would be the bad decision on both our parts. He also realized that I was a virgin, which most people probably don't know.
It's funny. This should be one of those proud moments! I'm freaking hot enough for a guy that I'm interested in to hit on me and want to sleep with me and I was strong enough to turn him down! But that isn't the case at all. Instead I feel horrible! I feel like a Prude. I feel stingy and callous, unfeeling, boring, and stupid. Why is that?! He said that what I wanted to do was "Highschool." Like kissing and cuddling aren't important and don't mean anything! In a way it makes me feel like I'm missing out on a lot of things. It makes me feel perhaps not like a whole person and childish.
All I know is that instead of feeling good.. I feel terrible. Le sigh.
