It's the same damn thing!

Two sunday's ago Brek and I were very strong willed and self restrained. Since I got back from Oklahoma it has been quite the opposite. The more and more time we spend together, the closer and closer we get. We hold hands when we walk down the street, if we're just standing somewhere, neither of us hesitate to hold the other close. If there isn't a seat for me, Brek has me sit on his lap. We are constantly touching, rubbing each others backs, carressing our arms or whatever. I bite and nibble on him a lot, and he kisses me or bites me. Our relationship is all sorts of confusing. In an e-mail he sent me, he mentioned how he liked having me as his friend. When I'm with him though, I feel like I'm more than that. If people were to see us together, they would think that we were 'together'. But I don't think we are. We haven't spoken about our relationship since that Thursday night. So many times I want to ask him, "So what are we?"

Like I've said before, this all feels too familiar. David and I were the same way. I might as well have been his girlfriend, but he didn't care about me or want me. I get afraid that Brek is doing the same thing. I don't ask, because I don't want to know. I like where we are. I like our closeness. I like having him. I like thinking I'm with him. But deep down in my heart, I know I'm lying to myself.

Before I left his apt. he showed me his closet. He has an enormous closet and a lot of clothes. I mean a lot! He might have more than I do! He's such a girl. I wish I hadn't gone into his room though. I had been avoiding it but last night I broke the barrier. I really wish I hadn't gone in. As I was walking out, I looked over the room, just to see. On his night stand was a picture, a picture of a girl. Who it is I don't know. But of course in my heart I know it's Lisa. That hurt. That hurt so much! To think about what great times Brek and I are having, what we're doing together, and then to see her picture. To know that he talks to me on the phone some nights right before he goes to bed, but instead of me being the last thing he thinks of, it's her. To know that when I drove away last night, it wouldn't be our kiss that would be on his mind, or my cuddles that he wished he could hold again, but he would see her and long for her. It was the same thing with David. It wasn't me he wanted to hold late in the night, it wasn't me he wanted to spend time with, it wasn't me he wanted... it was her.

Maybe I'm wrong about Brek. Maybe I'm just scaring myself. But I only have what I know to be true in my heart. I have experience. It's the same damn thing.

Sam playing with Unicode at Club Clearview in Dallas! 

Unicode with Sister Machine Gun

Sam had his big show last night in Dallas. Sam recently has been playing with his friends band, Unicode. They opened for Sister Machine Gun at Club Clearview. Like always, I'd be taking pictures for them. Brek wanted to see the show and he likes going to Angry Dogs, so he drove me. I got to his place about 15 till 7. I wore that cute dress I had bought in Oklahoma. It's a two layer mesh pink under and black outside. It's strapless but has two strings that tie around your neck (mainly just for show), and it has a big pink flower on the middle of the chest. It's cute. Pink really isn't me, but there was plenty of black. So I was hella cute like usual. Brek and I sat in his apt for like five minutes just chatting and then decided the sooner we got to Angry Dog, the better chance we'd have at getting a seat. So we left. The drive was pretty quiet. Just listening to music and enjoying the ride. We got to Dallas, parked, and walked to the bar. It was actually a nice little place. It reminded me a lot of The Loophole, my favorite bar in Denton. We found a nice table for two towards the back and prepared to order. He already new what he wanted and I didn't have a clue on what to get. After much deliberation I decided on the Buffalo style chicken sandwich. I like Buffalo wings.. a lot (Thanks Liss!) **smiles** It was really yummy. I was probably half way done with my food and Brek had already cleared his plate. Yeah.. he's a fast eater. He practically inhales it. But he says he enjoys it, so I guess that's good. It was kind of akward, we've never really sat down and eaten together before, unless you count the pizza we had a couple Saturday's ago. But that situation was totally different. He made me blush a lot! At one point I caught him watching me through the mirror we were sitting next to. He said it was better that way so he wouldn't be blatently starring at me. It still embarrased me. I turned 10 shades of red.

After our meal we walked around Dallas and he showed me where the kewl places are and told me stories of when he was younger. It was nice to walk the streets on his arm, talking. We went into the Art Bar for a little bit and looked at some of the artwork there. It was really nice too. Then we headed over to Club Clearview in order to get there in time for Sam's show. Of course, there was a delay and we waited around a long time. But Brek and I just stood there together for a while, then he sat on a stool and I would half sit in his lap and we'd talk or just be together. They played some alright music, mainly Rob Zombie and Static X. At one point they played Dragula and I had to dance so while Brek held me, I danced in my little spot. It was fun. Then some doof came up and interupted us to tell us about his show or something. Brek was a little miffed because it ruined his 'lap dance' as he likes to call it. This again made me turn 10 shades of red. I've never lap danced before and I didn't realize that's what I was doing. Then he's all, "well if you ever want anymore practice, my laps always free."
**10 more shades of red!!**

I got to see Rebecca, who I haven't seen in forever. I finally met Melinda, Darren's wife. Unfortunately Lonnie showed up (bastard). I was so pissed off when I saw him because I didn't want him upsetting Sam before the show. But Sam did want Lonnie to see him playing and opening for Sister Machine Gun. He wanted Lonnie to be jealous and pissed off. But whatever. For the most part, Brek and I stuck to ourselves. Unicode went on around 10 and played a few songs. I took pictures. I'd never heard their music before but I liked what I heard. They did a good job. I really liked it. The second band, Manufacturer, wasn't that great. It was more of just beats and sounds. No vocals. That type of music can be kewl, but not for more than 5 minutes at a time. Brek liked it, but I really didn't. It was okay. We walked outside and talked and hung out. We looked around a little more and ended up back at the Art Bar where they were playing some retro. Brek and I had started getting more flirty and close by this point. We were nibbling on each other and all that fun stuff. I always enjoy that. At one point I leaned over to bite Brek and Sam popped in. **blush** He wanted to look at the pics I had taken of Unicode. He liked them, ran off with the camera to show Eric, and then came back. Then we all went back into Club Clearview because Christ Analogue had started to play. This band totally kicked ass. Not the best band I've ever heard but I quite enjoyed them. They had two drummers and that was just awesome! I love drums! The guitar player was kind of hot too. He took his shirt off and started jamming. Yum. Very Yum!
Brek thought the band was o.k., but I liked them. I did a little dance and rocked out with them in my own special way. There was a 15-20 min break between them and Sister Machine Gun. Brek and I just stood there and held each other. He kind of swayed to some of the music that the club was playing. We kissed a little. Then Brek commented on how he felt like we were dancing at a Prom because of the disco ball. It was funny and oh so true. I didn't have a date for the Prom so I never danced at Prom, Brek didn't even go to the Prom. Oh well, I suppose that makes up for all of it. I like being with Brek.
Sister Machine Gun was about to go on and Brek turned his back. He really dislikes the band and didn't even want to look at them. That's o.k. He could hold me and look at me while they played. But as soon as they started to play, the bass was too much for me and my heart started to freak out; I couldn't even breathe it was so harsh. Finally Brek and I moved to the back of the club further away from the sound and I could listen without having a heart attack. I don't know how Brek could not like the band.. I thought they were good. I liked their music. We just stayed for a couple songs and then we left.

Brek drove us back to his aptartment. We went inside. I only intended to stay for a couple minutes. But we crashed on his couch, cuddled, and we fell asleep. We weren't like that for very long because he woke up and then he woke me up. I was tired by this point and ready to go to bed. I didn't want to get up, I layed there for the longest time. I sleepily looked at him and then he kissed me. But it wasn't a little kiss. It turned into a long kiss. It was a good kiss. I hadn't really been able to kiss him like that in a while and I had been wanting to. Eventually we broke off the kiss and I got up. Like always he walked me to my car, we said and kissed our goodbyes, and I drove home.

Yay! A pic of Brek! 

Thursday Night Surprise

I didn't get an e-mail from Brek on Thursday till like... 5. Which I'm used to waking up in the morning and having two waiting for me. So I knew right away that Brek wasn't having the best of days. He was probably way busy. The e-mail confirmed my speculations. He didn't complain in it at all and just wanted to say thanks. Thanks to me for being such a good friend. It made me happy. I like when I make people happy.

So while I was writing him back I had an idea. What could I do to at least make him feel somewhat better. A couple weeks back I said I'd get him some Iced Lemon Pound Cake if he gave me his e-mail address. I still hadn't done that so I thought a visit from me with some Pound Cake should surely brighten his day.

I left around 10ish, picked up the pound cake from Starbuck's, and headed to his apt. I was so nervous and so excited all at once. I really wanted to surprise him. I got there and the damn gate was closed, how was I going to get in? Luckily someone came to the gate and opened it and I snuck in. Then I checked to see if he was home yet, he wasn't. I waited .. and waited... I had to hide so he wouldn't see me. Then.. I heard his door close. I made my move. I tiptoed up to his door and knocked. Nothing. I knocked again. Still nothing. **getting a little nervous** Yet more knicking insued. I knew he was there. Why wasn't he opening his door!? I saw movement... and the door cracked open.
I beamed at him. He seemed happy to see me but kind of confused. I said I knew he had a bad day and I wanted to come at least make it end well. I gave him his present and he was happy. I was really nervous about doing this. I've known a lot of guys who just get annoyed and want you to go away. I didn't want to seem too pushy or clingy or anything. I didn't want to make him even more upset. But he seemed o.k. He invited me in and we talked some on the couch. He told me about his annoying day. He ate his cake, and gave me a couple bites of it. It was really yummy, now I see why he likes it so much! We cuddled and he fell asleep. Then his phone rang! Random! It was just a reminder. We curled up on the couch together and I scratched and rubbed his back. He really likes that. He relaxed quite a bit. He says I spoil him.. I probably do. But it got late and he had to be at work in the morning. He walked me out to my car, thanked me, and we said our goodnights.
I hope it was a good thing that I did. I just wanted to make him happy.

Joy Electric and the Storm

Sam, Jill, Danni, and I went to Dallas last night.... again. Joy Electric was playing a concert at the Door and there was no way were going to miss them. I really wasn't in the best of moods. I had started workin on this new vinyl top and I didn't have enough material and nobody carries vinyl unless it's halloween. Then, I had downloaded Kazaa so Sam could get this program and now my computer is all sorts of fukt! It's going to cost me a lot of money to fix it. I'm sure it has gobs and gobs of virus's. GREAT! Plus, the dentist people are bastards and it's just stupid. So I got to Sam's and I wasn't in the best of moods. We watched some Pulp Fiction while we waited for Jill and Danni. Jill got there and we chatted while we waited yet still for Danni. Pulp Fiction is a good movie. It's wierd and interesting. So Danni got there and we headed out to Dallas, but we had to make a quick trip to Taco Bell.
Sam: Do you have a frito burrito?
Taco Bell: No.
Sam: Do you have a cheesy gordito?
Taco Bell: No.
Sam: Do you have **can't remember**?
Taco Bell: Yes.
Sam: O.k. Here's the deal. We need two orders.
Taco Bell: We can only do one order at the drive through.
Sam: What the... **speedily drive up to the window**
Taco Bell: Can I help you?
Sam: We have two orders, we need to tickets.
Taco Bell: We only do one at the window.
Sam: **cursing** Have a good day, see ya later Bitch.
Us: **laughing our asses off as we drove away**
Jill: Oh you should have seen his face, he looked so confused.

I was instantly pulled out of my bad mood.

Taco Bueno: Hi. May I take your order.
Sam: Hi! How are you doing today?
Taco Bueno: I'm fine thanks how are you?
Sam: I'm great. So I have two orders. Can you do that?
Taco Bueno: Yeah, just let me know when it's one order and when it's the other.
Sam: Kewl.. I'll have a beef burrito and a cup of water.
Taco Buent: Ok. and the second order?
Danni: Yes.. I'd like two party tacos... No. Make that Three Party Tacos. Two burritos. One chips and dips. Some chips and queso. One cup of water. No. Make that two cups of water. And a **insert something else here**

I just started laughing because it made me think of Tenacious D when they go up to the drive through window and he makes that huge ass order. Oh I was definately in a better mood. It was fun. So we drove out to Dallas and got to the Door. We went inside and nothing was happening. So we decided to walk around town and check out some of the shops. It was kewl. We went into this 'sex' shop and they had some.. interesting stuff. They had some kewl outfits that i could see wearing to the Church, but a lot of it was a bit much for me. Err.. or is it, not enough. Sam and Danni were having a blast in there, making fun of everything and stuff. Jill and I just looked at the clothes mainly. Eventually we went back to the Door and watched one of the bands, "Red Orchestra." The music was good, but it all sucked up once the dude started to sing. It was bad. He was way too ecentric, and I couldn't tell if he was gay or not. Then the second band went on, "Calico Sunset." Again, I was expecting more. It was alright. During their last song, the storm that was all over the DFW hit and all the power went out. There were some back up lights, but Joy E still hadn't played and we had no power. ARGH! Not to fear, the Door people came out and said last time that happened, TXU had the power back on in about 25 mins. So just chill. We did. We watched the storm rage around us, we talked to people who were there, and talked with Joy E (Ronnie). It was actually fun. I met this guy from Austin, he seemed kind of nice, kind of dorky, but nice. Then we were all getting calls from people about Tornados all over Keller, North Richland Hills, and Arlington. Brek even called me just to check on me. He's such a sweetie. **thrums**
About an hour later, the Power came back on and Joy E played. It was good. His new music is really fun. I quite enjoyed it. They are such a great band and I'm glad Sam got to see them again. They are one of his founding bands, it's because of Joy E that Sam even plays the synthesizer. Yay Joy E.

The Night of the Corset

Last night I went out to the church. Sam decided he didn't want to go and went to another club but that's kewl. Brek would be coming right after work so I couldn't ride with him. I was going to go by myself and I was a little nervous. I don't like going to Dallas by myself, it isn't safe. But I still went. I left my house around 10 and I looked hot. I wore my new black leather corset, my short frilly skirt, and of course my big black boots. Yeah, Brek was going to have hard time with me there. Hehehe.. it was his turn to suffer. Of course, have you ever tried to drive in a corset? It's not the easiest or most comfortable thing in the world to do. Anywho...We'd been planning to go to The Church for weeks now. It was a big Memorial Day party and they were going to be opening the Roof Deck for it. Anywho, I got there and it was already packed. Not too bad, I could actually move around nicely but still, there were a lot of people. I walked around, looking for people, observing the people who were there. I took a quick trip up to the Roof Deck to just look around. One of the bouncers stopped me and gave me a nice compliment. He said that I was flawless and absolutely beautiful. **beam** I guess I am! I bought myself a drink and went into the main room and started watching the people dance. As I watched, I spotted him. Instantly a rush of emotion ran through me, my heart hurt, my body yearned for him, and I got all nervous. It'd been a week since we last saw each other, and it'd been days since we had spoken to one another. I missed him so much. I had a plan. I wasn't going to go up and dance with him. No, he had to come to me. hehehe. DJ Virus played a couple songs from the new Skinny Puppy album, and I went on the second level dance floor to dance. The Tall guy who likes to dance with me was there and he of course, tried to dance with me. But I was trying to be cute and send off the I'm hot and right here vibe to Brek. Some guy hanging on me wouldn't help with that vibe. Nonetheless, Brek eventually spotted me and moved over to dance near me. During a break in the songs we both stopped and looked at each other and I bent down and kissed him a hello. We both just smiled at each other. It was so good to see him again. Then we started to dance. He came up to the second level with me and it was fun, kind of akward though, the tall guy was still trying to dance with me. Oh I wanted Brek to save me! The tall guy likes to touch my stomach and hold me. The only one I want doing that is Brek. **Shivers** Brek eventually walked off I guess to get water or something. The music wasn't so great so I got off stage too, but I didn't follow Brek. I walked around a bit and just chilled, then I spotted him in the drink line. I stood with him and talked with him. We waited way too long for just two measly waters. **Shrug** Oh well. We drank our drinks, went to the Roof Deck to talk and see what was going on, and then headed back out to the dance floor. The floor was pretty crowded but understandably because there were a lot of people. Then my friend Heidi and her friend Carrie found us. It was kewl that she could make it, but she kept trying to talk with me while I was trying to dance. I finally just had to break it off because they were playing the good mix and I had to dance to that. It was nice being with Brek again. We danced a lot together that night, closer, holding each other.
Ugh! At one point this gay guy came up to where we were and stood behind Brek, then he squatted down on his knees and was like looking right at Brek's butt. I was like, "oh please." So I gently took Brek and moved away. The guy got the hint and left. Good. Oh! and while we were dancing this guy came streaking through. It was hilarious. I was just dancing and having a good time when all of a sudden this little white guy came running on stage, wiggling a bit, and then his bare ass ran off again. He eventually came back on and was actually dancing with us. It was so funny! Oh and when I say little, I mean, LITTLE. **wink wink** hehehe. It was hilarious.
Brek and I went upstairs and got more water, we talked with Heidi and her friend. Then they left and Brek and I flirted. It was fun. We went back downstairs and DJ Virus was playing a great mix that night! We danced a lot, I guess I did dance more than usual. That explains the soreness of my thighs.
Brek sometimes during the harder songs will randomly grab me and pull me close to him. I really like that. And sometimes he can be rough with me. He'll grab my neck or my collar bone. It's not scary when he does it, it's actually quite exciting. Mraw! We'll look intensly at each other while we dance then, and I just want to bite him. I'm really wierd, because that kind of stuff turns me on. I like the feeling of being kind of helpless and dominated. I like being the damsel in distress with a strong guy. And Brek can definately play the part. But I can trust being that way with Brek. I don't have anything to fear from him. Rarely he is like that with me, most of the time he is very gentle and soft with me. I like that too. It makes me feel special, fragile, and delicate.
It got really hot and we got really tired. So we went up to the Roof Deck and just at together. I sat on his lap for a while, until his leg fell asleep. We just talked and teased each other. Yeah, he was going nutz with me in my corset. I'm a good tease. I'm getting to learn all his spots. I liked just spending time with him, Even if we weren't talking. But it got late and the club had to close. He walked me to my car and we flirted some more: Lots of holding and tickling, a lot of nibbling! Brek said something that made me laugh but it was oh so true. He has to be careful with me when I bite his neck because for the most part it's soft but... "It's like nibble nibble nibble, BITE THE FUCK OUT OF YOU!" **evil grin** hehehe. He told me how adorable I am, how my eyes make him want to do things he shouldn't, he loves the way I wiggle, and of course, I'm very soft. It took us a while to part. We didn't want to leave each other, but, the night come to end sometime. I drove him to his car, we talked a little bit more, I teased him quite a bit more. He helped me out of my corset, I wasn't going to try to drive in it again (don't worry I had an extra shirt with me and he didn't see anything!). But our fun was cut short by some guy trying to get money from us. Brek got very protective and wanted me to go home. He didn't feel it was safe and didn't want anything to happen to me. He's such a sweetie. I had a lot of fun with him and I can't wait to see him again.
Brek was wondering how last week we could be so restrained and so self controlled and this week all that just flew out the window. It was so good to kiss him again and feel him bite me and vice versa. I suppose it was because we hadn't seen each other in a week and had barely spoken. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Talequah

So I spent my weekend with my mother in Talehquah, Oklahoma. It was really nice. The drive was about 5 hours long but it was a good drive. Most of the land up there is absolutely beautiful. You get a combination of some flat land, kind of plainy, but you also get some nice hills and forests. Driving through it all was lovely and I wouldn't mind owning a piece of land up there at all.
I got there Thursday around 4ish and met up with Mom. Then we went to the lake and had a picnic. It was nice to be able to reconnect with her. I haven't seen her in a couple weeks and I had so much to tell her. The lake was absolutely beautiful and people were already starting to set up camp for the big Memorial Day weekend. I had wanted to wait to talk to her about Brek until perhaps Friday, but I couldn't help myself. I told her everything. I had to know what she thought and if she had any insights. She seemed pleased and happy for me that I found someone I could connect with. She was however disturbed somewhat by his age. She wants me to be happy but she also wants me to be careful. Basically her advice was to simply wait on the Lord and let Brek make the decisions and moves. I shouldn't be anxious for anything and if he wants me, he'll come and get me. So just go with the flow. It's a nice plan. I like it because I can just have fun with Brek and keep doing what we're doing without worrying. It if works out between us, then great, if not, that's o.k. too. He's still a good friend.
Friday Mom had to work so I busied myself with visiting museums. I went to the Cherokee Nation Museum. It was really interesting. Mainly it was all about the "Trail of Tears." Very sad. They also had a great art collection. Some of it wasn't that wonderful, but some of the pieces were gorgeous. I wish I could paint like that. After the museum I visited an old Antebellum house. It was interesting, kind of small, but kewl. The neat thing about this place was that it actuall had closets. Most homes then didn't have closets because the people were taxed according to how many rooms you had. If there was a door on it, then it was a room. But this house was on Indian Property and owned by an Indian Family, so they were taxed differntly and could afford closets. :)
Sat. and Sun. Mom was on call. Sat. we had breakfast and went out to a local shopping show thing but as soon as wel got there, she got called back to the hospital. So I shopped by myself. I went to a lot of stores. Eventually I drove out to Muskogee and visited another Museum. It was really tiny! They too had an art exhibit and there was this sculpture that I thought was superb. It wasn't quite finished, but it was so good. The guy who was working on it apparently passed away, but it was still so kewl. Then I bought a new dress so I'd have something to wear to church in the morning, I forgot to pack something nice for church. Oops. As soon as I got back to Muskogee, Mom got out of her case and we had a late lunch together. Then we went back to the motel and watched Ever After. I helped mom do her laundry and she got called back to the hospital. Stupid Call. She really hates call, and I can see why.
Sunday, we had breakfast together and as soon as we got done she was called back to work. I went up to our room, packed and headed off to church. It was a good service. Very fiery. Mom got to come to like, the last five minutes, but at least I got to see her and say bye to her properly before I left.

It was a nice relaxing weekend. Slow paced and enjoyable. Plus I got a lot of thoughts off my mind and some what situated. I love my Mom. Hope she gets to come home soon.