Lost and Confused

At the moment I'm in a transitionaly phase. I thought I had just ended a transitional period of seperating my home life and school life and discovering which one was my actual life. For the longest time it was my home life, lately I'd been spending more times in Denton with my friends, at school and working. But due to recent situations my perspective has changed. I'm still trying to discover who I am. I know I can't wait to have my own place and hopefully this summer I'll have an internship somewhere away from both my family and friends. Those kinds of experiences really show a person who they are and help them develop.

Now that I think of it, growing up is a huge transitional period in of itself. I'm going through the process of going from a kid to an adult. It really is an odd place to be because in some instances I'm still very much a child, dependant on my parents and the generosity of others. In the same moment though, I'm kind of an adult. I'm able to do certain things and have more choices than before. With these choices though, comes responsibility and danger. There is a lot of good in this world, unfortunately there is also a lot of bad. There are many times when you are happy, but just as equally you are sad. But we must experience these times of sorrow becaues in the end, they help us appreciate all the good things in life. What can I say? I'm optimistic. I just don't always portray it.

you hold the candle
i once bled
you shine your light
when you forgive
i cry
you run your fingers through my hair
and tell me it's worthwhile
it's all worthwhile

even when i hate myself
even when i feel your pain when you cry
even when my heart is cold
you assure me it's worthwhile
it's all worthwhile

you see, see what can't be seen
you repair the damage done to me
- Apoptygma Berzerk, Unicorn

Attacks

You know what isn't kewl? When people throw Bible verses at you. My mom and I used to do that to each other when we fought. It's kind of like people yelling at you that you're going to hell. Doesn't attract the people to Christ so much as it turns them off. It might catch the occasional person, but I'm not one of those people. Not only that, I don't like when people accuse me of things I haven't done. This is kind of hypocritical but it's the only thing I can think of,

Proverbs 15:1-4
"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger... The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit."

Disappointment to All

When you look in the dictionary under the word disappointment, you will find my picture. I'm pretty sure I've disappointed just about everybody in my life. The ones I know I've disappointed for sure are my grandparents because one time they came to stay with us and I was rude to them, not the nice little girl they knew when i visit them (that was ages ago and have since then made amends). I'm a disappointment to my dad because I didn't go into the Air Force and I'm majoring in Theatre never to be a doctor someday. I'm a disappointment to my mother because I don't meet the spiritual standards that she holds. As for being a disappointment to my brother and sister-in-law... if I am, I'm not aware of it, but for reality sakes, we'll just say I am. Recently to the collection is my best friend Liss. I'm a disappointment because I'm not the person who she thought I was. But I could have told her that from the get go. (I also disappoint myself). I've known for a long time that I'm a hypocrite, hell I'm such a walking contradiction I'm surprised I haven't bleeped myself out of existance.
The only different in being a disappointment this time is that I don't think anybody has ever actually told me so to my face oor ever so harshly. It's one thing to be a disappointment, but it's another thing when you are the most disappointhing thing that person has ever witnessed.

Just to clarify some things:
1. Liss didn't catch David and I kissing. I wasn't even facing him the time she walked into his bedroom.
2. Dave and I are friends. We're not dating anymore.
3. I'd rather take a chance and get hurt, then to never know and question. "What ifs" suck!
4. The situation with Dave, Martha, and I is complicated. The only people who know all that is going on between us is Dave, Martha, and Me.
5. I never proclaimed to be a great christian. When I said I haven't been communicating with the Lord as well as I should, I didn't mean recently, I meant always! I've been like that since day one. Blaming that on me being with David is like my dad blaming fluctuations in grades on me not being home. I've always had a hard time praying and reading my bible. I'm better at praise.
6. People change every day. Needs, desires, weaknesses and strengths come and go. Who is to say what you are? Only God knows, and on occasion, yourself.

I could say I'm really angry because I was. But I'm not angry so much as I'm hurt. I didn't speak much today because I had alot on my mind, wasn't in the best of moods, and with experience has learned it's better to keep ones mouth shut than to talk. I know the things I do are selfish and at times stupid, but aren't they my mistakes to make? Yes I've been hurt in this relationship a few times. I don't blame anybody for it though. It was my decision and I knew what I was getting myself into. It it difficult to know who is who when you have two views on something. On one hand, Liss and Jimmy have told me that Dave is this con-artisty guy who lives off necessity and convenience, preying on anything he can get ahold of. Didn't matter too much to me before I had feelings for him, but now, it makes me think. On the other hand there is the Dave I've spent time with who's considerate, respectful, gentle, and kind. Which Dave am I suppose to believe? I should trust my friends because they're looking out for me right? Or should I trust the person who I've spent time with and has never matched the person they've described? If I trust them and they are right, I hurt myself in feeling like a moron but in the end I will be safe. If I trust them and they are wrong, I hurt someone who doesn't deserve to be hurt. If I trust him and they are right, I get hurt. If I trust him and they are wrong then we get to be happy and they are just wrong. Hard to say. In the end, someone gets hurt. It just depends on the motive and intensity.

At the moment the only thing that I feel sums up how I feel is the song by Simple Plan: Perfect. I'm just going to put on a couple lyrics, but you get the jist. Enjoy!

Nothing's gonna change the things that you said
Nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back
I can't believe it's hard just to talk to you
But you don't understand

Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late
And we can't go back
I'm sorry I can't be perfect

Night of Good and Bad

Last night I went out with my brother Sam, my sister-in-law Kelly, her best friend Kristine, and my friend David. It mainly was a celebration that Kelly and I are now 21. So we all show up at Sam and Kelly's, getting ready, eating dinner, and just having fun. Kelly, Kristine and I all looked totally hot so we got some pictures. I figured Liss would enjoy that. She's always trying to get me to take more pictures. Anyways... At about 10 o'clock we left for Dallas. The car ride was quite enjoyable even though I was squished in the middle of the back seat where there was no seat but.. cup holders. Not that comfortable, but I really didn't care. (I had already had two drinks.) So we're jamming in the car, talking about things we've done in the past, and pesturing Sam about where he's taking us. It was called "The Rock." Basically, it's a bar with a small dance floor, but on Saturday nights they have a good DJ who plays industrial type music, "Club Ascension."
So we get to the place and all head in. Another good thing to turning 21 is that getting in to clubs is cheaper, if not free. Of course the bouncer told me happy birthday and told David he had to buy me a drink.. he he he. Duh! So we get our first round of drinks. Let's see.. oh yeah! The shots we had were called Lemon Drops. Very yummy and lemony. After that Kelly had a Cosmopolitan, Sam and I got Cherry Vodka Sours (b/c those are our favs), and David had a shiner. <-- Beer Drinker. Bleh. Kristine didn't drink b/c she's not 21 yet. She still had fun though. We sat and chatted for a while, requested music from the DJ, and just mingled amongst ourselves. After finishing our drinks we got some more shots, Kamakazi's I believe. Basically alcohol and Gaterade. Then Kelly and I had Hot Damns too. They are a cinnimon shot! Tasted a lot like those little red hots, but in liquid form. Sam gave me a Cherry Vodka and Kelly let me sip her Sex on the Beach. Everything was quite interesting and for the most part, pretty tasty. We confiscated a pool table and played. Well, I didn't play. I was quite toasty by then and quite flirty with David. Wait.. i think i have everything mixed up. Whatever!
After we got done they started playing good music and the four of us (not including David b/c he can't dance) rushed onto the dance floor and got our dance on. It was very fun! They played some Apop, VNV, NIN, and Covenant. After a few songs I was really hot and tired and sat with David while we watched the other people. There was some people who could dance alright, but some were horrible. This one almost bald dude was all over the dance floor and doing the strangest moves. Then there was this thin goth girl who only wiggled her hips a little bit. But the worst of them all were these two country chicks who did not belong there! One wore her pants all the way up on her natural waist and had a halter button up shirt. She did not need to be wearing that outfit. First of all it was just too country for a bar that was having it's goth night, and well, fat squishing out everywhere just isn't attractive.
I danced a couple more times, then Kelly, David, and I had Jello shots. I had lime and it was absolutely Yummers! I like Jello. It's good. I don't think I drank anymore after that b/c the dancing made me a little woozy and I knew I didn't need anymore alcohol. I was drunk. We enjoyed ourselves just talking, watching the big T.V. screens with Ion Flux, or South Park, dancing, and laughing at the bad dancers. As I was sitting there Kelly seemed a little miffed b/c some big bitch was hitting on Sam. So I cooly walked over to my bro, put my arm around him, and the girl left. Apparently she was being mean and bitchy about Kelly and some other stuff. But she went away and all was good. I'm not quite sure what time it was when we left, but we all decided it was time to go.
Sam went to go say bye to some people and the next thing i know, Kelly storms out of the bar. Sam made a stupid mistake. He got the phone number of his friends ex, not that he meant it in that he wanted to hang out with her and stuff, but so we all could hang out and stuff. Well this of course didn't fly with Kelly and she was pissed. By the time David and I got to the car Sam and Kelly were screaming at each other and Sam threw his phone against the brick wall. I couldn't take it and burst into tears. Sam was so scary and the stuff they said to each other was so horrible. I cried the whole way home as they fought and clung to David and Kristine. As soon as we got back to the Apartment, David, Kristine, and I grabbed our stuff and left. We all crashed at Kristine's.
For the most part the night was great. We all had a lot of fun. But it ended horribly with the fight.