Argh!!!!

So I was walking the puppies because my dad asked me to. I had them on their leashes because I don't like chasing them across the neighborhood when they run away. Well, they were doing good. Just sitting there and putzing around. Well we went in the back yard because there were all these men doing stuff to the neighbors yard and Buster, who was helping me with the puppies, was getting annoyed with the men. While we stood back there and enjoyed the lovely breeze, I soon noticed this tiny sting on my foot. Then another, and another, and another! I looked down and saw my foot covered (not literally) with ants! They were biting me! I ran away and tried to brush them off but they kept biting me. My poor beautiful foot! It hurts, it itches! Owwie!

I'm a good Girl!

The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to Purgatory!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very High
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	High
Level 2 (Lustful)	Low
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Low
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Low
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Very Low

Take the Dante Inferno Hell Test

Quiet Tongue

The other day Brek called me up; just a random phone call kind of deal. When I answered my phone I wanted to say, "Hey Baby what's up?" Instead I opted for the usual, "Hello?.. oh Hey how's it going?" (like I didn't know who was calling or something). And lately, when we say goodnight to each other on the phone I don't want to merely say, "Goodnight" or just "Bye". I want it to be like, "Ok baby. I love you. Talk to you tomorrow."

This is really odd for me because I haven't wanted to say things like since.. Rick. I mean when David and I were dating, I never once called him baby or some sort of stupid pet name. He was just David. I have called him sweetie a couple times, but I call all my friends sweetie. All of them. I think I told David I loved him once, but I was drunk, so it doesn't count and that was like three months into our 'dating' relationship. I've known Brek how long now? Umm.... not even two.

I hate how emotional I can be and how easily attached I become. But that's me. I can't help the fact that Brek and I connect really well. I suppose our closeness and bond reminds me of what it is like to be a girlfriend, so I revert to that. It's just another level of affection for me and I can't show it to Brek. I have to keep it in my heart. My mother says it's like being Mary. Everytime Jesus said or did something wonderful, she hid it in her heart to cherish. I suppose even though when I say goodnight to him or just "Bye," I know that what I really meant to say was "I love you."

Are you thinking of me?

Every where I look, I see your face.
I catch your scent upon the drifting wind.
I hear your voice inside my head.
I can taste you on my lips and feel your touch on my skin.
I can’t get warm without you; I can’t sleep without you near.
With each passing moment, I long for you.
With every hour that goes by, you’re all that’s on my mind.
Since the moment we met,
You’re the only thing that exists in my world.

Do you dream of my kiss?
Do you toss in the cold lonely night?
Are the shadows your friend?
Do you wish they were me?
Is my laughter your longing desire?
Does my smile make you melt?
Without me by your side, does it drive you insane?
Are you thinking of me?

Raivyn Fitz, 2004.

"Can You Feel My Heart Break?"

With the intensity of a fading star, my heart begins to diminish.
A rushing wave of nausea, pain, and anguish envelope my very being.
Something so beautiful and whole, withers and retracts as the pain of unfullfilled love stabs deep.
The core of my being rots and is devoured. Can you feel this pain?
How can something that is not tangible, that is not real, have such an effect on me?
An idea, a thought, and yet, my body aches.
Do you know the hurt of which I speak?
It sits in the depth of your heart and like you were dying.
It bleeds out of your chest.
The rolling thunder, the crashing waves, the bursting volcanos,
They cannot compare to what I feel inside.
If I were to curl in a ball and scream, I might explode.
My screams echo forth nothing.
They fall on lifeless, deaf ears.
I'm bound in my sorrow.
I'm bound in my pain.
Let me fall into the depths.
Let me feel no more.

-Raivyn Fitz, 2004.

Can you feel my heart break?

So I've been extremely confused and not sure what was going on. Sometimes I still am, but I'm pretty sure I know now. I did my usual going dancing on Sunday night thing. Met up with Brek and had a good time. DJ Virus played a wierd mix last night and it was just odd. Brek and I still had fun and danced. We're getting more intimate when we dance, it's wierd. In order to enjoy myself, I really have to turn off my emotions. I could easily fall for him ... wait, I already have. At one point we went into the Video Bar and were just standing there watching the few people who were dancing. Brek grabbed me from behind and held me, rubbed my back, kissed, licked, and bit my neck. It was so good! It drove me absolutely wild. I got goosebumps all over. I don't understand why he does the things he does. I don't know what he is thinking. The more time we spend together, the deeper and deeper I grow attached. The more affectionate he is, the harder it is to let go.

When I got home last night I prayed... I cried. I want to be with him so much, but I don't think it's what the Lord wants. I have to think back to that one Thursday night. Why aren't we obedient? Why are we struggling so much? If he loves Lisa, then why is he spending so much time with me? If he loves Lisa, what is he doing kissing me and holding me? If he loves Lisa, what the hell is doing with me? Oh, how many times I said the same thing to David.

Brek wrote me an e-mail this morning, two actually. The first was to say how he was sad he didn't get to say goodnight to me properly. We were interrupted by another beggar on the street. The second one was more... serious. Remember how I prayed last night? Well, for the most part I don't know what I was saying, speaking in tongues and all. I'm assuming it was a cry for answers, for help, to be in God's will. This is what the e-mail said:
i had fun last night even though i think virus had
some sort of virus that was causing him to play
weird-ass sets of music. oh well, i guess it was
good, helped me be a little more restrained than i've
been the last couple weeks. i guess i needed the
crappy music and sunburned neck last night, that way
i'd keep the flirting to a minimum. it's just
something about loud pulsing industrial music that
gets me all wound up and i just dont care how i'm
acting sometimes (kind of like an austrailian accent).
i feel like God's been dealing with me all weekend
about that long kiss friday nite/sat morning. i
shouldn't have done that & i know it. not to say i
didn't really enjoy it, but i know better. i know we
had that long "thursday nite" talk & were good for
about a week or two then i've just kinda turned a
blind eye to how i know i'm supposed to be acting with
you and just doing whatever i want instead of what He
wants. i've always had a problem not listening the
first time i'm told to do (or not do) something.
anyway, i dont know where that all just came from.
all i wanted to to was write & say "hi". whatever, i
guess it needed to be said.

I suppose that is my answer. One for now. And I didn't have to bring the subject up. It does however open the door for us to be able to talk all about this. It allows me to tell Brek how I feel and get all this 'stuff' off my chest. I don't want to lose what we have. I love being with him. The love he's shown me just in that one romantic weekend we had, was more than I ever felt with Rick or David combined! My heart is aching so much.