Movie Night
 
So Brek and I finally had our movie night. We've been planning on watching Underworld for about two months now. I guess we've been kind of busy. But that's kewl. So I arrived around 8 and we crashed on the couch to watch. Now this movie was quite interesting. I wasn't sure what exactly was going on and kept asking Brek questions. He'd just laugh and tell me to keep watching. I, of course, would get frustrated, pout, and just keep watching. It was a good movie. I like the vampires and the costumes. The story line was different and I liked it. Good movie.

I did notice something though. My desire for Brek is fading. The whole night, I sat on my end of the couch and never once attempted to try to cuddle with him, or even touch him. I can honestly say the urge wasn't there. Now it wasn't totally gone! But I can definately feel the difference. Alot of that probably had to do with the fact that I wasn't feeling too well so I was uncomfortable to begin with. Nevertheless, I'm getting to the point where I'm ok with just being his friend and realizing I deserve much better. Don't get me wrong, Brek is a great guy and has a lot of the qualities in a guy that I want, but I'm feeling more that he isn't the one. I'm coping well. Even though it is kind of sad to realize the 'love' is going away, it's nice to know that I still have this great friend!

Of course because this is Just My Life, something has to be totally messed up. As Brek walked me out to my car he was teasing me about walking in the grass. I have this thing about not liking to walk on it in my boots and people walking on it too much b/c then it kills the grass blah blah blah. So he likes to tromp through the grass and try to get me to. While attempting to avoid the grass, I stepped onto the curb and then I totally kissed pavement. I have to be one of the clumsiest people in the world! I couldn't believe it. I fell and right in front of Brek. Of course he rushed to see if I was alright and seemed quite worried. But I just laughed and turned 10 shades of red. I stood up with Brek's help and he kept asking me if I was o.k. I was fine. My knees felt funny, but nothing hurt. On the road home, however, I realized my right knee, where much of the force of the fall had been, was bleeding. Huh... blood. Meh.

Brek walked me to my car and we hugged goodbye. I felt akward hugging him. I didn't really feel like touching him. I felt wierd hugging him. Then, I was sad. With Brek, because I've been so angry and confused, I've lost a lot of emotion that I've felt for him. I cried a bit and told him how I felt so empty and distant. He could only reply with, "I've been so busy. Once everything calms down at work..." Well that doesn't matter because I'm moving in like three weeks. It's not going to get better between the two of us. We won't get to spend any time at all together, until December. Since the time I went to Houston, our relationship has taken a turn for the worse. A lot of it is that we don't have time for each other. He's too busy with his jobs, and I have school and my family to take care of. It's ok. We'll still call each other and e-mail. He'll always be my friend, and we'll always be there for each other.

Yay for moving on. Now I need a hottie by myside to keep me occupied. Anyone interested?

Jesse's Party
 
It's almost 7 in the morning and I just got back from Jesse's (z3r0) party. It was a kind of birthday celebration for Josh, but really was just a party. There were a lot of people there that I didn't know, but by the end of the night, I knew some of them and was more friendly with those that I already knew. It was quite the nice little shin-dig, nothing fancy, just people chilling, drinking and having a good time together. I talked a lot with these two girls, Jessica and Allison. They were very nice girls. Jessica actually works with Sam at White's Chapel. They were both very kewl. Once they headed out, I dedicated my time and attention to AJ (Aconite) and Amber. They are just sweeties and I love them so much and they are so fun! Of course the entire night I had my eye on Jesse. He's so cute. Anyways... I hung out with AJ and Amber and was quite ... how do you say.. giddy! I had had two screwdrivers and a Mike's. We talked and got to know each other better. It was great. They understand me in a way that so few people do. In fact, I don't think anyone has ever understood this side of me before! Yay Amber and AJ. At one point, AJ and Jesse went outside to fight with their wooden swords. Of course this made Amber and I quite excited and we went outside to watch. It was really interesting and quite arousing. Amidst the fun of the sparring, AJ and Jesse both received their fare share of hits. It was an interesting battle of test, patience, and teaching. There is no way that Jesse could not have gotten the hint that I was totally interested in him. But as is my life, he did not recipricate the feelings. 
AJ and Amber had to leave and I was stuck with all these people I really didn't know. I talked more with Tommy and Garrett and now I'm quite comfortable around them. But then, somehow and for some reason, everyone disappeared! It was just me, Jesse, and a sleeping Josh. Jesse was severally injured in the fight. His side hurt, he wouldn't let anyone touch him (yeah my attempts to sooth his pain away and cuddle were repelled), and he said he felt that he was bleeding internally. He practiced a bit with some of his other weapons. I watched. He's really cute and oh so hot. At one point he dropped his 'chucks' and they hit me. But he kissed me and continued his practice. It wasn't a real kiss, he simply kissed his fingers and touched where the flying weapon had hit me, but still, a kiss from Jesse is better than nothing. After he had finished, he sat down with me and talked to me. I didn't say much. I just listened. But that's me. I'm hella shy! Not to mention I was quite 'drunk.' I just wanted to watch him, listen to him, and learn about him with not distractions, and I did. But after a while, everyone came back to the party and that was it. He soon focused his attention on another girl, and like always I was left to sit in the corner hopeless, alone, and disappointed. I sat huddled in his blanket on his bed, hoping he'd remember me and come cuddle with me. But that didn't happen. Tommy passed out on the bed with me, and as I listened to Jesse ask the Brazilian girl out, I decided it was time for me to leave. He gave me a hug as I walked out the door. I guess that's something, but not what I was hoping for.

I'm such an idiot sometimes. I have so much confidence in myself and expect any guy who I like to like me in return, and when they don't, I get bummed. I like Jesse. I honestly think he's interesting. I know he isn't the one for me, but that's not what I wanted tonight. I just want to feel special and appreciated. Is it so terrible that I want to curl up on a couch or something with a really cute guy and cuddle? Is it so wrong to want to be the girl that the guys find attractive and irresistable? Is it bad to want to get even a little attention? There are girls out there that don't even have to try. When do I get that?