Dream...
Current mood: curious

I just woke up.. not to groggy.. should be getting ready for class. But I gotta get this out. Last night I had a dream, I dream alot, but this one is definately one of those God inspired, some sort of message.

In my dream, I was on a beachy island place. Then, a few people, including my family and I got on a boat and set out to sail. We wanted to go whale watching or something. I looked out behind the boat and there was a storm brewing over the island. Suddenly, I noticed that the bow of the ship was dipping dangerously towards the water and began to sink into the depths. Immediately I began to tell everyone that the boat was sinking. People began to jump off but it was too late, the boat was already half way submerged. Mom wasn't on board anymore, somehow she was back on the island, almost instantaneously. It was just Dad, Sam, a couple other folks, and me. We were in the water and some of the boat still bouyed up out of the dark blue water. Usually I'm terrorfied of the ocean, because there are sharks and jellyfish and things like that. But I was doing alright under the circumstance, I was going to have to swim back to shore. But before we could all head out towards the island, Dad began to warn about the undertow and suckage of the sinking boat. Just as he said this, the boat slipped into the ocean and began to drag us all down. Dad went down, Sam went down, and another woman went down. I had taken a rather large breath and floated on the surface, like a bobber. I freaked out because looking down, I could no longer see Sam! Dad had popped back up, took a breath, and then dived down to save the woman. I in turn, took another deep breath and dived down to find Sam. Despite the darkness, light shown into the water and I found Sam sitting on the bottom which surprisingly wasn't too far down, though the boat was no where to be seen. I grabbed him up, Dad grabbed the woman, and we began swimming back to the shore. I remember holding him as I swam, kicking as hard as I could, pushing with all my might. The fear of the ocean swept over me and I worked harder and harder to get my brother safely, and myself, out. And we made it. We made it back to the shore, all of us, and we were all o.k.

Breaking the Silence and a spot 'o' courage

Current mood: peaceful

So most of today has been kind of bleh. There were good parts like having my bi-monthly (is that twice a month or two months?.. i mean twice a month), ok so we had our small group leader/coach breakfast that happens twice a month. Anyways.. the point is that that was fun. So anyways.. then I did some drawings, and then I had lunch with Pete and Laura and did more drawings. The drawing thing was ok... but.. i was still kind of (understatement much) miffed about Joe and sad. Then church happened! Church was fabulous! Seriously. The sermon was good, my buddy CJ was there, and I got to see Rafael who I haven't seen all week! It was goodness.

I didn't see Joe right away. But he did sit behind us, not as close as usual, but not far away either. After service I talked with CJ, talked with Rafael, talked with Mike, talked with Katie... Joe stood in his usual spot, waiting for me, obviously. He talked with other people but I'm sure he wanted to talk to me and sort this whole crazy situation out.

(ok so if you haven't noticed from my tone, not that there really is tone via blogger because there are no vocal noises and such, but I do remember learning about tone in AP english in highschool, so hopefully I'm able to in some manner get that across in this text.. ok so my tone is happy and things are better. Didn't really want to leave you on the edge of suspense with wondering what happened. Not that I wont tell you, just yeah.. no cliffhangers and such!)
So long story short I didn't get a chance to talk to Joe at church due to talking with other people on both ends and me needing to take Rafael home. Ok.. anyways this is where it gets good!
I got home and was checking e-mail and waiting for my mom to call, when my phone rang! I was like, "yay! it's mom!".. but it was JOE! I know.. crazy! Totally didn't think he'd call, but then again, I kind of thought he would. lol.

Ok.. so Joe had called. That's a good sign! He's never called before unless it was to return one of my calls. So already things are looking up. At least he's making an effort, whether it would be good or bad, at least he's trying. He asked if it was ok for me to talk and it was. I got comfy on my bed and waited for him to say what he needed to say. ... There was a lot of silence. I'm talking minutes went by with dead air over the phone. If Joe were a radio show host, he'd be fired his first day. lol. (ok so I'm hyper). I didn't want to push him, because this was something he needed to do himself. And after a couple minutes, he got the courage up and talked,
Joe: " I can tell that you're interested and want to pursue/start a relationship...... I do like you [score! He does like me!!] and I think you're cool. I like hanging out with you and I'm trying to figure this out..... You just have to understand that I have no experience in this sort of thing... I have no idea what I'm doing.... I don't even know where to begin or what to do...... ........I'm bringing alot of this to God ....... "

I then apologized for having been upset last night where in he assured me that had he been in my situation he would have been angry too.I then thanked him for being honest and open with me and for calling. I praised him for being honest and open and saying what he needed to say. I then encouraged him to call if he wanted to talk and if he wanted to hang out, to ask. I assured him that I was interested but that we barely knew each other and that I didn't mind just getting to know each other for now and seeing what happens.

It was a good little conversation. Things that needed to be said, were said and issues that needed to be resolved, were resolved. I think things are going to go better now. Hopefully he'll be more comfortable and more open, now I know what the boundaries are and where the focus is.

are we noticing a pattern here?

A Night that Should Have Rocked...
Current mood: crushed

This evening I had a 'date' with Joe. Perhaps not an official 'date' but we spent time together none the less. I had called him on Thursday where upon I invited him to a concert I was attending and then he invited me to Rob and Anne's place for a BBQ. So it was a double 'date' kind of deal.

The BBQ was super fun. Pete and I, and two other people played Bean Bag Toss.. you know, the game where you toss bean bags at a wooden cut out and try to get the bean bags into the hole. So we played, barefoot in the grass, for a good while. And some how or another I ended up winning! Crazy! I know! I won with 4 and half points. 4 and a half you say?! That's right.. 4 and a HALF. Now you must be wondering, how do you get half a point at bean bag toss?! Well I'll tell you my friend. You get a whole point for throwing your bean bag and it succesfully going into the wooden cut out hole. Now on occasion you'll get your bean bag close to the hole, but not quite in. Le sigh.. I know! So Close! ... now this is where the other players get involved. On the other persons turn, they have the opportunity to try to get points too. They are throwing bean bags at the same hole and your bean bags that didn't quiet make it in, are sitting rather dangerously near the hole. Well.. dangerous for them, ha ha! You see, on the wonderful occasion, they'll knock your bean bag right into the hole or if they bounce it with enough force on the wood, they can actually allow for your bean bag to fall wonderfully right into the goal. Nevertheless, be warned! With this same method, they can also knock your bean bag away from the cut out! This generally rarely happens and it is more likely for them to assist you then hurt you, but still, it might happen! Now.. when you get an 'assist' goal, you and the other person get a half point because your bean bag went in, but it was them that got it in, therefore you split the point! And that's how I ended up winning. Wow.. ok that explanation ended up being much longer than I expected.

Anyways.. then there was eating and drinking and merriment and roasting marshmallows and talking with friends. Good time were had. Joe talked with me and I mingled with the others, just an all around good wholesome fun time with peeps from church. At around 9, Joe and I got ready to leave and he started inviting people! At first I was like yeah sure it's a concert everyone come. But then in the back of my mind I was thinking, umm, i don't want anyone else to come. I just want it to be Joe and me! Bah! But only Spencer came. I was kind of on edge because well, again, I just wanted to be alone with Joe but I figured perhaps Spencer being there would make Joe more comfortable. So ok. We all talked and stuff and got to the bar. Then we all hung out and sat together, talked. Nothing big, just chilling. Then the band I wanted to see played, The Sleepers. They were really fun. They reminded me of a mix between Aerosmith and a 70's Rock Band. Very fun! At first the three of us sat and watched, but then Joe and I got up and stood and of course I wiggled to the music. I would have rather danced, but no one else was.

Again, The Sleepers were uber fun and the music awesome. I had a great time listening to them and will totally see them again next time they come to Champaign, if I don't have any prior engagements. After the band played we all akwardly stood around and kind of looked at one other, the crowd, the sky, the band packing, each other. Finally I grabbed Joe by the arm, slid my hand down to his and pulled him, er.. dragged him to another part of the bar, the main dancefloor. I really wanted to dance because umm.. I love dancing and I wanted Joe to loosen up and see another fun side of me. But he kind of jsut stood there and bobbed around, kind of like how David used to. After about a song and half I gave up and Joe and I went back outside to meet up with Spencer. I got to talk with Chris, one of the band members, the bassist. He had e-mailed via Myspace and had invited me to the show. I definately wanted to say hi and tell him how much they rocked. hehehe. It was fun. Then I went back to Joe and Spencer.

Again, we stood, we stared, we said nothing. I sat, the next band started to play, Spencer sat with me, perhaps to keep my company, perhaps to just sit. I'm pretty sure he was realizing something was wrong, he could probably tell I was agitated with Joe and I'm sure he noticed that Joe and I were no longer conversing. I stood back up and tried to wiggle to the next band, but well, I just wasn't in the mood anymore and well, they kind of sucked. At least they did in my mind. Perhaps they didn't suck. Perhaps it was Joe's lack on enthusiasm and unpenetrable wall that brought me down. I wanted to cry and I wanted to scream, but I didn't want to be 'that girl'. You know the one, the one who makes a scene at the bar, the one who's had too much to drink and has mascara streaks running down her cheeks. I didn't want to let this bother me but it did. I went inside to mock "going to the restroom" to catch my breath and try to get my head straight. I didn't want such a good evening so far, to be ruined by this sudden change in Joe.
I walked back out after visiting the dance floor once more and glancing at the line coming out of the bathroom. Joe had sat down with Spencer, I knew they probably had been discussing me. I was ready to leave. We all walked out, me trailing behind because I wasn't in a hurry and because I take small steps. It was quiet for a good big but then I perked up, feigned interest and started discussing the bands. Joe didn't say much, it was mainly Spencer and I talking. I was growing angier and angier with Joe and wanted to have 'the talk' when he took me home, after we dropped off Spencer. But when we got in the car, Spencer immediately asked if Joe would take me home first so he could talk with Joe. Again, they'd be talking about me. Gee.. yay. I suppose that's good, because hopefully that means this thing with Joe will either come to an end, or actually begin. No more wondering, no more waiting, and no more agonizing about whether or not he likes me.

You see, that's the funny thing. Over the past couple weeks I was beginning to think, yeah, Joe is interested. But with this last bit of the evening, I think not. It's rather disheartening. I would like for him to be honest, "Yes I like you and am Intersted," .. "No I'm not interested," .. "let's just take this slow,"... "we can still be friends,"... something!

"I can't sleep without knowing there's hope, half the night i waste in sighs, in a wakeful doze of sorrow, for the hand, the lips, the eyes, for the meeting of tomorrow"
- Tennyson