I'm in love with someone who doesn't love me ...... Enough said.

David 

Head Assistant Costume Designer

Before you are a Costume Asst. Barbara has you read this thick packet of information. Much of it are different sheets and paperwork forms that you need to be familiar with. The rest is a job description. There are actually two types of Asstistants. 1. The Asst. Costume Designer and 2. Costume Designer Asst. Now the two positions are practically the same job. However, the Asst. Costume Designer has more artistic freedom such as making design choices. The rest of the job consists of taking notes, attending meetings, researching, filling out paperwork, calling fittings and helping during fittings, making sure the work gets done on all the costumes, pulling, keeping everything organized, comminucating between the designer, the stage manager, and the director. Well... that just touches a small portion of it. You get the point. It's a lot of work. So I'm the Assistant Costume Designer for Barbara in our musical, "A Little Night Music." Well... so I thought. I'm actually 1 of 3. I've been working on this musical since... January. I started by researching for Barbara and attending production meetings. Then I searched for different sources for Tuxedos and began pulling. Once Woyzeck (the play we were doing previously) ended, the other assistants starting showing up. We'll refer to them as, Melanoma and Missy. Now I didn't really know Missy but I'd heard good things about her. So far she's been doing an alright job. I can't really complain because I know she is trying and has had some difficult situations she has had to deal with. Plus she is very nice and helpful when she can show up. Besides, she is actually in the musical so I can't expect too much from her. Melanoma, however, I do not really like. I haven't liked her since she left for three days during "A Christmas Carol" while we were on run crew which caused us all to pick up her slack. Plus she doesn't ever shut up about the time she has spend in Europe. Most of us could really care less. Also, she is really good about butting in on other peoples conversations and she has this annoying little laugh which happens often because she'll laugh at something that isn't even funny. Honestly, she annoys me a lot!

So I've been working really hard the past few weeks, months, whatever. I'm there everyday (practically, i think i've taken off one day which I'll get to momentarily) and work at least 5 hours a day and generally a solid 8 hour day. I've done a lot of paper work, attended many a fitting, gone on several shopping trips (in which I was the one driving), gone to rehearsals, been to many meetings, took pages upon pages of notes, coordinated rentals, researched and purchased many items we need for production, designed and made some jewelry, patterned/cut/ and constructed hats, and helped oversee production of the costumes. I've also been somewhat helpful to Barbara. I've volunteered my car when it rained so we could get to Dallas to buy Fabric because Barbara's car has a hole in it and leaks. I also took her to the store when she lost her keys so we could buy more fabric and even took her to the Car Dealership to get her keys replaced. I've gotten her many cups of coffee and ice water when she needed it.
Now... Melanoma, she hasn't been there much at all. She missed a whole week when we really got started and has missed meetings. She came in maybe a couple hours a week for a while, and still, only is there for maybe two hours a day now. She hasn't had to do near the amount of work I've done. The work she has done however has been very helpful because honestly, I can't do everything. It's just physically impossible. Nonetheless, it is frustrating. Because I'm there all the time I know what Barbara wants (for the most part) and I know what is going on in relation to rehearsals and the others aspects of the musical design wise. People come to me when they need answers. Often times our Shop Foreman, Stage Manager, and other Cutter/Drapers have asked her questions and all she can do is blankly look at them like a deer caught in headlights. She's an assistant costume designer and she doesn't understand how the shop runs. She can't find the fitting list, the work list, where we keep fabric or sewing tools, and she doesn't know shop policy or procedures. It's frustrating. I don't want to have to explain how to get something done when it needs to get done. Sometimes I just want to say, "give it to me and I'll do it." But I don't. That's rude.
So there is stress from the fact that I've got a lot of responsibility, I have to deal with Melanoma, and of course, I have to work with Barbara. She is scary. She can be nice, but for the most part, she is a Big B****. SHE is rude and has a terrible temper. She doesn't really respect people's emotions. She's a hard woman to deal with. I suspect she's just a bitter old woman. But I can deal with her for the most part. Nonetheless, my patience is wearing thin and I've been struggling. I feel my performance so far has been good, not perfect, but I get things done. But recently she's been very bitchy, more than usual, which doesn't make a pleasant working environment. So because I'm working so much, I haven't been able to focus on my homework like I should. So last Sunday I decided to take a day off, go to church, study, and go to a test review session because I had a test on Monday. It was nice. I actually got to see my family and spend quality time with them. I got some good study on which i without I would have failed that test, and even got a little nap in (though it really didn't help in the sleepy department). Well... I was working on Monday on some Jewelry, doing the usual, when Barbara walks by complaining about something. She started bitching me out for not seeing me in "two days."
Me: "Uh... I was here Saturday Barbara." Which I was! I was there from 10 am till 8 pm. Then, i was there Monday from 12 till ... I don't remember. It was pretty late though. Oh wait.. it was 9:30.
Barbara: "I haven't seen you in two days. How am I supposed to know what is going on? What progress are you making? Have you seen the notes Melanoma leaves me? You should be doing that."
Me: O.K. Barbara.

Oh I WAS PISSED!!!!! I am there every freaking day for all hours of the day and she pulls that shit on me?! I don't think so! So big deal if Melanoma was there on Sunday to help her dye the fabric for these dresses!!! That is one day compared to all the time I'm there, not to mention all the time Melanoma is NOT there! And then to tell me I need to be more like Melanoma!! No F***ing way! The reason i don't write her stupid little suck up notes is because she sees me everyday and I tell her what is going on. I don't need to write those because she could just ask me if I haven't already told her. It's just bull shit! AAARRRGGGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! >.< During our fitting today the stage manager came in and asked if it would be alright for me to go to rehearsal instead of work on Sunday so I could take notes of quick changes and things. I was like, what night? Sunday? Uh..... Barbara about had a fit. She apparently can't afford to lose any assistants, she wants us working. NOt only does she want me there on Sunday she wants me there all day working. Well, I'm sorry Barbara, actually, I'm not sorry. But my schedule says I'm not available till 3 p.m. and that is when I'm going to come. I have much more important things to do. First of all and most importantly, I have church. I love going to Church and it is the only thing that rejuvenates me fully to get through the week. Secondly, that is the only day I get to spend with my family. I love my family and I don't get to see them enough as it is. Lastly, it's not healthy to work everyday. We do need some down time. Therefore, I will come to work Sunday, but not until I'm scheduled. If she doesn't like it she can, in my mother's words, Get Over It.

The Straw That Broke The Camel's Back

I had a conversation with Jason today. I just wanted to have my friend back and see what he was up to. It didn't end well.

Fairest of Them All says:
do I ever get to talk to you again?
Jason says:

Jason says:
Anna, what do you want from me?
Fairest of Them All says:
hi
Fairest of Them All says:
well... i suppose i was just hoping to have my friend back
Fairest of Them All says:
we don't talk anymore
Fairest of Them All says:
i miss talking with you
Jason says:
k..
Jason says:
I'll always be here if you need an ear or advice, ya know
Fairest of Them All says:
are you alright?
Fairest of Them All says:
why are you so distant?
Jason says:
Distant...
Jason says:
Maybe because everytime I start talking to you again you accost me and somewhere inside you're hoping that it's gonna "go somewhere"
Jason says:
And that's no friendship at all
Fairest of Them All says:
i'd be your friend no matter what
Fairest of Them All says:
accost?
Jason says:
Let's just say that I get the impression that the only reason you keep talking to me or wanting to be my friend is because there will be more in the future
Fairest of Them All says:
is it wrong to want to be with someone? but since you are so against the idea that's all you have to say and I won't pursue you anymore. Whether you want to be my friend or not, that's up to you
Fairest of Them All says:
i'm here.. i've always been here
Fairest of Them All says:
what you just said makes no sense to me
Fairest of Them All says:
are you saying i wouldn't talk to you if there wasn't a chance for something in the future?
Fairest of Them All says:
i beg to differ
Fairest of Them All says:
i have friends who i'm with and i know their wont be a future
Fairest of Them All says:
i was dating my friend david for a while and we broke up but we're still friends
Fairest of Them All says:
we hang out all the time.. and both of us know nothing will ever happen
Fairest of Them All says:
i've prayed for you to have happiness and i always hope you are doing well.
Jason says:
I appreciate that
Jason says:
I do the same for you
Fairest of Them All says:
whether i'm in the picture or not, but at least i make an effort to try and be nice to you. i want to be your friend. but it seems like you don't want to be mine
Fairest of Them All says:
i don't deserve to be treated like this
Jason says:
*sigh*
Jason says:
Anna I never did anything to you
Jason says:
And it's not all about you
Jason says:
Please stop pursuing me for a romantic relationship, either actively or passively
Jason says:
And I do think you're a sweet girl, with a lot of potential
Jason says:
but at the moment, I have no desire to pursue a friendship with you
Fairest of Them All says:
alright
Fairest of Them All says:
good bye Jason. May the Lord keep you and Bless you. I hope you have a full and happy life. Fare well.
Jason says:
see ya

Needless to say I was very upset. I lost my friend. But there isn't much I can do about it. Overall my experiences with guys just haven't been good and I'm ready to leave them behind. This has made me want to focus on just my life and focus even more on God. Though I'm saddened by what has happened, I'm ready to move on.

"I can do all things throug Christ who strengthens me." Phillipians 4:19

Jay Jay 

Destined for Love

So yeah I've been really upset because I'm single again. Not that David and I were actually boyfriend/girlfriend or anything, but you know, might as well have been. Anywho.. the other night I was all boo-hooing and I got to praying about it. I really didn't know what to say because what do you say to God? "I'm sad because I'm alone." Duh! He kind of already knows that. So I let my soul cry out to Him for a sec and it was amazing at how fast he responded. Sometimes when God responds I never know whether or not it's actually God, or if it's me talking to myself. I'm pretty sure it was Him this time. So again I was crying and then I heard him.

Me: **sobbinb and speaking in tongues**
God: If you only knew what I have in store for you.
Me: I'm sure it's great God, but why do I have to wait.
God: It's going to come so soon... so suddenly.
Me: But I don't want to wait anymore.... **then i was thinking yeah i know he is going to be awesome, yeah I know I need to wait** Could you just help me out here? **I want to focus on God and not whomever i'm supposed to be with... insert more crying here.**
God: Hush now, Be still.
Then I fell asleep. :)

So yeah whomever he is, he's going to be awesome. It's just kind of hard to fight the desire to want to be with someone right now. But the Lord will help me. But I'm thinking, maybe I should give up David. He does make it very hard. It hurts everytime I'm with him because he reminds of what I don't have. Maybe I should give up my friendship with Jason as well. I mean, I've been waiting for him for so long and then he came around again but he hasn't made any effort to talk to me. Perhaps it would be best if I just didn't think about Jason anymore and go my seperate way. I don't know where he stands or anything at all! I wish I could talk to him. But he's never around, neither am I, but I've tried to contact him. We'll see what happens.