Dads.. the good, the bad, the ugly

For everyone's information, I have a dad and I have a father. My dad is my step-dad and my father is my biological father. You get the picture. Well these two guys are important. If it wasn't for my father, I wouldn't be here.(Of course he did originally want me aborted) But that's about as important as he gets. He just started paying my child-support, and he still can't get that right. He owes me $300 from the beginning of the year. Yeah... I love him b/c I love all of God's creations and such (except bugs) and b/c well.. he's my father.

Now there's my dad. My dad is a pretty tall guy and is quite stong. He has the worst temper in the world and we've been in many fights. He occasionaly grabs me by the hair and once I tried to punch him and beat him up (yeah that didn't work), and oftenly when we fight, he screams at me and yells at the tops of his lungs. He can be a pretty scary guy. What I don't understand is why he yells. I mean, does he really think that by screaming at me, it's going to make me do what he wants? Quite on the contrary, it makes me want to do the opposite. What really sucks is that my mother finds out about the fight and then she makes me apoogize. Why should I apologize? I wasn't the one who did anything wrong (which is pretty much true, I will say I'm sorry when I'm wrong but when I'm not, I don't think so) Of course he never apologizes because he's dad, he's never wrong. But that tends to be the way most men are. Anyways... When will parents learn? Another thing that irritates me about my dad is how he never seems to pay attention and then when when I'm going to do something he wonders why he never heard about it. I freaking told him but he just tunes us all out. He won't admit that he does, but he does.
Though my dad may have some faults... he's still the best dad in the world and I would never trade him in for anyone else in the world. He may not be my biological father, but he's been there since I can remember. He walked and rocked me at night when I cried. He helped change me and teach me. When I got scared at night, he was the one who scared the monster away. He taught me to ride my bike, he taught me to drive (man was that an experience.. the whole screaming thing again). He was always there to listen when I needed someone to talk to, he listened to me complain about boys, any guy who might hurt my feelings he threatens with a shot-gun, he helps me with homework, buys me all I could ever want, supports me in all I do (even if he doesn't understand it), pays for my college education, and I know when that time comes he'll be there to walk me down the isle, help me move out, and do whatever necessary to make sure I like a full and happy life. He won't admit it, but my mother tells me when I finally move out and get married, he's going to cry like never before. I believe it. The other day I talked about moving out and before I could get a full sentence out, he snapped... "You aren't going anywhere and I don't want to hear about you moving out until you are a senior." hehehe.
Thanks Dad.. for all you've done, and all you're going to do. I love you.

From Wallflower to Player

Yes, it is official. I have moved from being a Wallflower to a Playa! Boo yeah! hehehe. And how does this happen? Simple... Well for the past three weeks I have been quite busy up at the college. Of course you know that. I've also been not speaking to Bob, not dating or having a social life at all, and feeling pretty lonely. So I after about two weeks of debating I did something about it. I asked Mike out on that date and arranged a day for fun with my friend Jacob. Now Jacob is one of those beautiful, tall, christian guys that a girl could bring home to meet her parents and marry. He is a friend of my brother's and I remember when I first saw him. My jaw about dropped to the floor and I knew I was hooked (though I didn't know he was my bro's friend and all). But he's pretty strict about his dating and things which I totally respect, so we're just friends. I've decided that Wednesday (since that's Jacob's day off) that we'll go to the Zoo. I've been wanting to go for a while and well Bob never took me. We'll spend the morning/early afternoon there and get to know each other better. Afterhe drops me off, I'll hop in the shower, change, and head up to Denton for my date with Mike. We'll I'm hoping we can have our date Wedneday b/c i want it this week and that's the only good day for me. Since he doesn't have a car and I've been driving all over I think a rented movie and pizza at his place (you know, a cozy little evening) will be perfect. Hey we're in college and it's not like we have gobs of money! Not to make my Wednesday an more exciting, but guess who called me today? The one and only Bob. And yes, I let him have it. (This isn't the whole convo or exactly what was said, but you get the point)

Me: What in the world happened to you? **quite angry**
Bob: What do you mean?
Me: I haven't talked to you in like three weeks. I haven't heard a word from you. Where have you been? Why didn't you try to get in contact with me? Why didn't you send me an e-mail or something?
Bob: I've been busy.
Me: You've been busy? It's not that hard to send an e-mail!
Bob: You can come up to my room and see how messed up my comp is right now.
Me: Don't you even use that excuse! I know you can go down to your friend's house and use his computer. It doesn't cost that much to go to a Cyber Cafe and use their comps either. You freaking having my home address, you could have sent me a letter. Anything!
Bob: But I did call today.
Me: You better be glad you called today!
Bob: Why?
Me: Because I wasn't going to call you ever again.
Bob: Oh...
Me: Why didn't you show up that one day?
Bob: I was scared.
Me: You were scared!? You think you were scared? Don't you realize how scared I am?
Bob: I know you are scared about our relationship. That's why I didn't come. I didn't want to scare you even more.
Me: Bull!!! You think by not showing up you are helping?! You made things worse! Do you understand what you put me through?! I have been so mad. Mad at you and Mad at me! I've been so upset and so worried. Something could have happened to you and I didn't even know. And then I was totally confused! You told me you wanted to be with me, you wanted me. I wanted so much to believe you, but how can I now? (in a rage)
Bob: (Silence)
Me: Bob, I've tried so hard! I'm always the one who calls. I'm always the one who sets up days and activities for us to do something together and see each other. I've wanted to see you so bad!! It's been so hard! It seems like all I do is try and you don't do anything. You seem to not even care! (furious)
Bob: But I do care.
Me: How am I supposed to believe you. You've never proven to me that you care or that you want to be with me! I've been so hurt.
Bob: (pause) ..... I'm sorry.
Me: You think sorry is going to cut it? Sorry doesn't take away all the pain I've been through... (silence) ... you said you were scared? What does that mean? Do you want to end this? (omg, what is he going to say)
Bob: No!
Me: Well what do you want then?
Bob: (pause) .... I don't know.
Me: Well let me tell you what I want. I want to be with you. I like you alot. I've really missed you. But, I'm not ready for a serious relationship. I'm young and I want to have fun too. I want to be able to go out and have fun and I want you to go out and have fun. I want us to be together. I want there to be an "us", but not an "us" where there are strings attached to tie us down. But if this is going to work. I need to know that you want to be with me and I need you to try more. I need to see you more than once every two months. ( I don't know that i've ever heard myself speak in that kind of tone before)
Bob: This is why I like you.
Me: Why's that?
Bob: Because you state everything so clearly and make it so simple.
Me: Oh.. thanx. (smiles)

So we basically got most of our stuff worked out. Well its out in the open, we need to seriously discuss it. But what's odd is this.

Me: So Jacob is taking me to the Zoo on Wednesday since you never took me.
Bob: Which Zoo?
Me: The Ft. Worth Zoo
Bob: (laughter)
Me: What's so funny?
Bob: My friend is taking me to the Ft. Worth Zoo on Wednesday.
Me: Are you serious!?
Bob: Yes. But he's also trying to hook me up with some girl.
Me: uh-uh
Bob: Don't worry.
Me: So I'm going to see you there on wednesday.
Bob: That is a possibility

Yeah.. things just got weird!!!!!

Two Worlds of Cast Parties

Friday Night. The play "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof" has finished for the night. One performance left. 2 weeks of rehearsals, getting home late, getting up early, homework, rehearsals, dateless nights, too busy for a life, rehearsals..... a person can only take so much! So a couple of the guys got together and had a cast party. It consisted of the usual drinking, smoking, getting high, crappy music, stripping, sex, idiotic people, and pretty much nothing to do for a person such as me. I talked to a couple people, drank a D. Pepper, and was more bored than anything. The worst part was standing around and having people pass by who reeked of "pot" though watching some of the people get wasted was quite hilarious. Oh well. After a while I decided to leave. I just really don't fit in. Besides, I really wanted to dance, but no one else was and there was no good music playing (as I said earlier).

Saturday Night. The play is over baby!! No more stupid "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof!" No more having to listen to Maggie whine about not getting enough sex and watching that disgusting Big Daddy! Woo hoo! But oh wait. One more party. Dr. Culp decided to throw a little shin dig of his own. Of course this one was so much more tame than the first. There was pasta salad, chips and dip, meat, bread, cookies, brownies, and soda. And who can forget the wonderful little plastic water bags of "Echo Springs!" Some how I seemed to fit in better at this kind of surounding. But after about 20-30 minutes of that, I just had to get out of there. A bit too intimate for me. But it was very nice.

YAY YAY YAY!!!! I got a date!! hehehe! You won't believe it. I actually Carpe Diemed! So it was Saturday Night. The last night of the play. And there is this one guy I've been checking out for a while. (No not Karl) Anyways.. I'd been contempating asking him out for a couple weeks but I was sort of nervous b/c he always hangs out with all those pretty, skinny, sorostitute girls. I had the whole complex "Why would he want to go out with me" going on. Well... he was passing by alone and I just had to seize the moment. I called out to him and he came up to me.
Me: "Uh.. Mike... would you like to go out some time?" (nervous nervous nervous)
Mike: "Me?" ("You? Of course you?! Who do you think I'm talking to, the wall?!")
Me: "Yeah"
Mike: "Aww (gives me a big hug) ... Sure. What would you like to do?" ("Whoa he just hugged me and he just said yes!!!")
Me: "I don't care. I just want to have some fun!" ("Well I do care, but I just want to spend some time with you")
Mike: "Ok, well catch me after the show so I can get your number."
Me: "Ok." (beams!)
Heck yeah! Go me!!! I can't wait!