Lonely

I miss Clint. This really blows. Stupid relationship things. Bleh!

Blue Rose



I had another dream last night. It was really interesting and very short. In my dream, I had a rose bud. But not any rose bud, a Blue Rose Bud. I held it with me. It seemed to me that the more time I spent with the flower and when I let it drink some water, it would open up slightly. At one point, it suddenly bloomed! It was one of the most gorgeous flowers I have ever seen! In my hands I held something so rare and precious, a fully bloomed Blue Rose, beautiful.

Another Jay Jay Dream...

Wow. I haven't had one of these in a while. It was pretty interesting and really unexpected! Jay Jay and I are still friends, we don't talk a whole lot, but when we do we're honest, we're open, and we don't have all those crazy emotions that made the beginning of our frienship such a roller coaster ride. There is nothing but friendly love and respect.

So anyways.. the dream. In the dream, I was requested by Jason's parents to baby sit his younger siblings. There were about 4 or 5. They couldn't get anyone else to babysit and the older children were going to participate in the family festivities. I was happy to oblidge and showed up to their place some time around 8. When I arrived there were a lot of people. All sorts of aunts, uncles, brothers and sisters, people and children everywhere. It was quite the full house, and what a beautiful house it was. It was all wooden with beautiful crafted and molded bookshelves built into the walls. There were stairwells and fireplaces, hallways and passageways. Large elegant rooms for living, dining, and having fun. I met with Jay Jay's mother and asked which of the children I'd be watching and how long she'd need me for the evening. (I've actually never met Jay Jay's parents and Jay Jay doesn't have a large immediate family, he's got one older brother.) Anywho.. she simply welcomed me in and offered me dinner as everyone sat down to a rather large dinner table filled with food. I was so confused. I thought I was supposed to be babysitting and here they were, asking me to dine and join in with them. I really didn't know what the celebration or occasion was but I sat with them. Jay Jay was not there but I was enjoying getting to know the family. It was so large I was worried I wouldn't be able to remember everyone, their names, or the stories they told me. But it was so much fun. As dinner was ending we all migrated to a seating area part of the house and were talking. The children ran around the house and played. It was like christmas! All the family, all the fun, all the food, and the games. There was also a large television which we watched for a little bit. As we sat there talking, Jay Jay arrived. His mother then informed me that I wouldn't be alone to watch over the children, but Jay Jay would be there with me to help. Of course she then included that by the time all the parents left the children who would be staying would be in bed. Hah.. yeah that's some uber hard work! It was good to see Jay Jay because in honesty, I haven't seen him in forever. We usually only see each other about once or twice a year. Now that I live in Illinois, the time is getting further apart. When Jay Jay joined us, his mother then announced to us all that he'd be staying behind with me to watch the children. And then someone joked, "You mean we're leaving this poor girl here to babysit Jason?" Everyone laughed and Jay Jay blushed. He then stood up and concluded that he had better go get his Jammies on then because it was nearing bed time. Again everyone burst into a fit of laughing. Then there was music coming from another section of the house and Jay Jay led me toward it. The children were whirling around and dancing. The rest of the family joined in too! It really was a wonderfuly eventful party. I stood off to the side watching with Jay Jay because I didn't know how to dance the dance they were doing.

That was the dream. I can't quite remember quite how it ended and I can't quite seperate my waking interpretation of it from what i really felt in the dream. I have this heavy feeling that I was there to be set up with Jay Jay. That I was there to meet his family and that he was pursuing me. But I don't know. Now that I'm awake and have written this down I have a couple different interpretations of the dream. I think the most accurate is the second interpretation, but I don't know. We'll just see what happens.

1. The dream is simply my longing to be loved, accepted, and to be married. Jay Jay is in the dream because he is the man I've been in love with since the moment I first saw him all those years ago. Therefore he's the representation of the man I'll someday marry.

2. The dream is a complete metaphor to my love life and what is currently happening. I'm being invited into God's family and become a part of it. Jay Jay arriving late to the event is the delay that has been taking place. But it's an assurance that the man I'm supposed to be with is on the way, he'll just be a little later than what I'm expecting.

3. The dream is an expression or repressed feelings, hopes, and emotions for Jay Jay.

Struggling..

There are all sorts of wonderful things happening in my life and at the same time, so many confusing and hard things. For the most part I'm good, I'm busy, I'm active, and life is grand. But then there are the moments when things get chaotically out of perspective or perhaps reality is slapping me in the face. I'm not quite sure.

I was praying last night, just for my friends and asking for the Lord to strengthen me when suddenly I started crying. I just totally freaked out about grad. school, about if what I'm doing is right. I feel so inept and ill equiped to be a cutter/draper. I flounder and I'm slow. I wonder if I'll ever have the skill or creativity to be successful in this business. My masks and creations in comparison are nothing to the awesome creations of others. I'm so tired of school. I don't want to have to take these classes anymore. I don't want to design and I don't want to assist! I just want to work and not have to study anymore! I want order in my life. I want to be able to do fun things with my friends and not have the feeling in the back of my mind that I should be studying or doing homework instead.

Also, with this whole Clint thing, I felt that perhaps I am ready for a real relationship and now that I've had a taste at what it can feel like to be pursued and cared for, I want more! Not necessarily from Clint because in all honesty our paths are going in opposite directions. I just feel ready, but then if the Lord is still saving me then I just have to wait. It just sucks because well, it's like having a wonderful dessert placed in front of you and you are allowed a very teeny tiny taste, then before you can really dive into it, you're not allowed, but it's sitting right there within reach. I want to be wanted, I want to be loved, and I want to be pursued. Is that so much to ask for?!

I know God has something awesome for me in life, in love, and in purpose. But I'm just not sure what that is or when it's going to happen. I feel i'm being prepared now as a leader and that a lot of interesting and challenging adventures are about to take place. But will I be able to procede? Lord give me patience. Lord give me peace. Lord, give me strength. Lord, let me be satisfied in you.

Superbowl!

STEELERS WIN!!!! Woot Woot!**insert happy dance here**