My Closure
So the other night, Friday, I went to Arlington because Sam was having a show at Mythos at Division One. The other band he's in, Unitcode:Machine, was opening for Terrorfakt. So of course to support my brother, I went out to the show. Going, I knew that I Brek would be there. I was half looking forward to it, and half dreading it. I hadn't seen Brek in about two months.. read the previous blog if you're not informed. Anywho! So I go. I'm of course looking hella cute as always and got my sketchpad with me. As soon as I walk upstairs into Mythos there he is. My stomach immediately turned and I began to shake. Unitcode had already started so I just sat down somewhere to watch. As I sat, I figured I should do some sketching. But I was so extremely nervous that my leg was shaking uncontrollably which made it impossible to draw. So I sat there, trying to calm down and relax. I watched the band, awesome. I love their music. They remind me kind of VNV Nation.
So they finish and everyone disperses to the bars and such. Sam comes up to me, hugs me and asks what I thought. I tell him that they were awesome. He asks if I saw Brek and I said I had. He says that I should go talk to him, act like everything is kewl. So I muster up my courage and walk over to him.
I walked up behind him at the bar and poked him. He turned and seemed to be quite pleased to see me. There was this very slight insignificant second where I think he went to go hug me or I did but we didn't. If you weren't paying attention, you wouldn't have even noticed it. So we casually chit chat, talk about how I've been and what I've been doing. He doesn't say anything other than "I've been busy." So we stand there again for another akward second and I just sigh,
"Ok.. I have to do this now or I will never do it." Then and there.. Everything I had been bottling for the past couple months or so, I let it all out. I told him how I felt, how I felt he was treating me and such. Brek just kind of stood there and looked at me. He didn't seem to have a clue that I was feeling like this at all or anything. He said he had no idea that he was treating me bad at all. Of course I replied, "You haven't talked to me in two months! Is it so hard for one phone call. Just one.. just five minutes?" He of course remained mute, blankly staring at me. I told him that I was this close **holds up her fingers and squinches them to a tiny amount** to letting him go. (Letting him go in the sense that I'm giving him to God and just not worrying about him anymore). He kind of just shrugged his shoulders and didn't really give a damn. Like it wouldn't have mattered at all if I walked out of his life forever, died, or ever existed. In that moment, I was crushed. He turned away from me, drank his drink, and walked off without a word. I could have fallen apart in that instance. I can't believe I didn't. I sat down away from the crowd as Terrorfakt began to play, I didn't know what to think or what to feel. My heart was breaking. The man who I loved and adored, my soulmate, my bestfriend, just walked away and left me. Without a care, without a tear, without a second thought, without a good-bye.
Luckily I didn't break down there at Mythos. Icon, a friend of Sam and mine, came up to me, talked to me, and comforted me. Of course his philosophy to everything is "Fuck it." hehehe. I didn't want to be there anymore, I don't really like powernoise and I definately wasn't in the mood for it. I told Sam I'd see him later and walked out to my car. That's when it hit. I sat down alone and isolated and just bawled. I cried like I hadn't cried in what seems like ages. In a way it felt good. I didn't want to drive home upset, so I called my friend Pip. Pip is my chipmunk. I met Pip at The Church too. He's very sweet, very wierd, and very fun. He talked me through it and helped me out a ton. He made me laugh as only he can do and I felt so much better after talking to him.
So to conclude from this evening, I have my closure. I was able to talk to Brek and get everything out in the open finally. Because of his apathetic response I've decided that I am going to give him up to the Lord. I love him very much but I deserve to be treated so much better. I deserve a friend who wants to talk to me, who wants to spend time with me, and who is willing to make some adjustments in their life to spend time with me. I understand people get busy, but no one gets that busy. I have friend who I've been wanting to talk to now for a while but I have been busy myself, but I still find time to send them a short e-mail or something, letting them know I'm thinking about them and will get ahold of them when I can. I can now walk away from this situation without regret and without wondering. Now I know. Now I can move on.
So the other night, Friday, I went to Arlington because Sam was having a show at Mythos at Division One. The other band he's in, Unitcode:Machine, was opening for Terrorfakt. So of course to support my brother, I went out to the show. Going, I knew that I Brek would be there. I was half looking forward to it, and half dreading it. I hadn't seen Brek in about two months.. read the previous blog if you're not informed. Anywho! So I go. I'm of course looking hella cute as always and got my sketchpad with me. As soon as I walk upstairs into Mythos there he is. My stomach immediately turned and I began to shake. Unitcode had already started so I just sat down somewhere to watch. As I sat, I figured I should do some sketching. But I was so extremely nervous that my leg was shaking uncontrollably which made it impossible to draw. So I sat there, trying to calm down and relax. I watched the band, awesome. I love their music. They remind me kind of VNV Nation.
So they finish and everyone disperses to the bars and such. Sam comes up to me, hugs me and asks what I thought. I tell him that they were awesome. He asks if I saw Brek and I said I had. He says that I should go talk to him, act like everything is kewl. So I muster up my courage and walk over to him.
I walked up behind him at the bar and poked him. He turned and seemed to be quite pleased to see me. There was this very slight insignificant second where I think he went to go hug me or I did but we didn't. If you weren't paying attention, you wouldn't have even noticed it. So we casually chit chat, talk about how I've been and what I've been doing. He doesn't say anything other than "I've been busy." So we stand there again for another akward second and I just sigh,
"Ok.. I have to do this now or I will never do it." Then and there.. Everything I had been bottling for the past couple months or so, I let it all out. I told him how I felt, how I felt he was treating me and such. Brek just kind of stood there and looked at me. He didn't seem to have a clue that I was feeling like this at all or anything. He said he had no idea that he was treating me bad at all. Of course I replied, "You haven't talked to me in two months! Is it so hard for one phone call. Just one.. just five minutes?" He of course remained mute, blankly staring at me. I told him that I was this close **holds up her fingers and squinches them to a tiny amount** to letting him go. (Letting him go in the sense that I'm giving him to God and just not worrying about him anymore). He kind of just shrugged his shoulders and didn't really give a damn. Like it wouldn't have mattered at all if I walked out of his life forever, died, or ever existed. In that moment, I was crushed. He turned away from me, drank his drink, and walked off without a word. I could have fallen apart in that instance. I can't believe I didn't. I sat down away from the crowd as Terrorfakt began to play, I didn't know what to think or what to feel. My heart was breaking. The man who I loved and adored, my soulmate, my bestfriend, just walked away and left me. Without a care, without a tear, without a second thought, without a good-bye.
Luckily I didn't break down there at Mythos. Icon, a friend of Sam and mine, came up to me, talked to me, and comforted me. Of course his philosophy to everything is "Fuck it." hehehe. I didn't want to be there anymore, I don't really like powernoise and I definately wasn't in the mood for it. I told Sam I'd see him later and walked out to my car. That's when it hit. I sat down alone and isolated and just bawled. I cried like I hadn't cried in what seems like ages. In a way it felt good. I didn't want to drive home upset, so I called my friend Pip. Pip is my chipmunk. I met Pip at The Church too. He's very sweet, very wierd, and very fun. He talked me through it and helped me out a ton. He made me laugh as only he can do and I felt so much better after talking to him.
So to conclude from this evening, I have my closure. I was able to talk to Brek and get everything out in the open finally. Because of his apathetic response I've decided that I am going to give him up to the Lord. I love him very much but I deserve to be treated so much better. I deserve a friend who wants to talk to me, who wants to spend time with me, and who is willing to make some adjustments in their life to spend time with me. I understand people get busy, but no one gets that busy. I have friend who I've been wanting to talk to now for a while but I have been busy myself, but I still find time to send them a short e-mail or something, letting them know I'm thinking about them and will get ahold of them when I can. I can now walk away from this situation without regret and without wondering. Now I know. Now I can move on.
