Who I Am! Current mood: Triumphant I am a Unicorn. Rare, Beautiful, Genteel, Wild, Mystical, Unique and Strong! Plus.. I totally belong among the wildflowers. **giggles** Currently listening : Wildflowers By Tom Petty Release date: By 01 November, 1994

Gave in...
Current mood: satisfied

I went for a little walk the other evening. It was so beautiful I couldn't resist walking across the most lustrious of campuses. There was a breeze so divine, it smelt of summer and memories. The only bugs were minute lightning bugs to light my path. Something about the night was magical and my skin tingled. Despite all the wonder about me, there was a small pang on lonliness within my heart.

I was thinking of the Kyrouac brother back in Illinois who said he liked me, who at one point in time seemed to always be there right behind me, who told me he'd call while I was away in NY. But it's been a month and a half and I had yet to hear from him. One part of me didn't care but the quieter meeker side was hurt. The One part of me knew this would happen and was not surprised, but the other part had a small hope that with my absense he would realize how much I actually meant to him.

Needless to say, I had been resolute not to be the first to call. That when I got back home to Illinois I'd say hi to him at church, but make no effort to be his friend as he does with me. But something about that night was different... something felt off, and I felt a tug stronger to make an effort. At this, he could not say, "Well you never called me either." "I figured you had moved on." I felt that I needed to make my case known. To remind him that I still existed and cared.

The phone rang in the silence of the twilight, my heart beat furiously as I waited for him to answer. When I thought he wasn't going to, he did. At first he seemed dissoriented as though he didn't know who it was.Then it dawned on him that it was me. He seemed happy that I called, but I could tell that other people were over. I asked if I'd called at a bad time. He responded that some friends had come over, but they were uninvited. Therefore, he was free to talk. He asked me about NY and I told him as much as I felt necessary. I asked him about his summer and he told me of his struggle to find a job and about his job. He announced that he had made Straight A's this past semester and I was proud of him. We talked of cats, we talked of my ventures in Texas, I told him how much I missed our church and my small group. It was nice to hear his scratchy voice, distinct, and difficult to understand via phone.

Before we could really get into our conversation I found that all I needed to do was done. Without much ado, I told him that it was nice to talk with him and that he should feel free to call me sometime. He said he would and I bid him goodnight. He seemed rather taken aback by my abrudt departure, which I think is good. I did not exhaust our encounter and left plenty for the wanting.

The ball is now in his court, it's just a matter of me finding the strength to keep my fingers away from the speed dial. Heh.

Currently listening : Spin By Lifehouse Release date: By 11 October, 2002

Bastards! Current mood: frustrated "I deserve to be loved ... not IN SPITE of who I am, but BECAUSE of who I am! " Thanks Chris. **hugs**

Shallow Anna Marie Current mood: pissed off Hi. My name is Anna Marie and I'm Shallow. How shallow, extremely. Probably not as bad as Shallow Hal, but darn near close. I'm really sick and tired of being hit on by really ugly guys, old guys, married guys (besides Jason N.), and fat guys. Some of them, super nice and great guys. Others have real big social problems and personality issues. It just drives me up the wall! It's like I'm a magnet for unattractive, immature, needy, baggage toting, unstable boys. I emphasize boys here. Like I get e-mails and IMs from guys and while we get along I'm always disappointed by the photos they send. Seriously.. ick. I can hear my once upon a time friend Samantha's voice screaming in my head.. "Don't they deserve someone too?" And I think yes, they do. However, it's not me! I deserve someone good looking and someone who thinks I'm good looking. He doesn't have to be the most handsome guy ever.. just to me he does. Sure personality helps and it a definate bonus, but why wake up every morning to someone you don't want to sit and stare are for hours? It's hard being honest with people. I try to be, but it definately doesn't happen all the time. There is this whole hurting people's feelings thing. I want people to be honest with me even if it hurts my feelings yet I'm not able to give the same curtosy. But.. most people probably don't want to hear the truth. I don't know if I really feel bad for being this way... perhaps not for myself but for those i hurt. They have to deal with it. This one guy just last night was all covertly trying to get me to 'see the light'. But I was like whatever. Hey! I know what I want in a man and in a mate. If you don't cut well then that's just to fucking bad. I'm obviously not what you need in a woman or a mate then! SO just suck it! Currently listening : This Love By Maroon 5 Release date: By 22 April, 2004

A Productive Day
Current mood: satisfied

I had a very good day today. I did! I had stuff to do and I wasn't bored and I didn't feel bad for sitting around. I spent the morning and post lunch hours hemming these three shirts for an acress. They took much longer because they had to be stretch stitched in a specific way. I didn't really like the way they turned out, but Patt said they were fine. After a good pressing, they did look fine.

After that, I read the script for "Quiver and Twitch" so I could start thinking about some sort of design. It was a wierd play and reminded me of something Samuel Becket would write. Becket right? Abstract Absurdism? I think that's right. Really wierd play and I didn't quite get the meaning. I think they die in the end, but I wasn't sure.

After which I distressed a hoodie, sent out some e-mails, and then labeled some stuff. We had apprentices come in too and they helped label. Patt taught them how. Though I have to say her method for labeling was really different. And everytime I make a suggestion, she says no. So I just did it her way. Whatever.

So yeah. that was my day. It felt good to really have something to do. Though I think we won't have much for the rest of the week. That was pretty much it for now. Don't worry, next week will be different. We have tech which means working all day and all night. Woot! Coffee here I come!

Wardrobe Crew can suck it!

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Anything But Ordinary Current mood: hot By: Avril Lavigne Sometimes I get so weird I even freak myself out I laugh myself to sleep It's my lullaby Sometimes I drive so fast Just to feel the danger I wanna scream It makes me feel alive Is it enough to love? Is it enough to breath? Somebody rip my heart out And leave me here to bleed Is it enough to die? Somebody save my life I'd rather be anything but ordinary please To walk within the lines Would make my life so boring I want to know that I Have been to the extreme So knock me off my feet Come on now give it to me Anything to make me feel alive

Summer Theme

So it seems that this summer is an big opportunity to try new things. I've been doing things left and right that I've never done before. Such as my dad teaching me to golf, me going rock climbing, driving to the East all by myself and living in New York. And to add to my excitement and to the theme of the summer, I have many more thinks I plan on doing.

I fully intend on going kayaking somewheres and at some point be it here in New York, out in Pennsylvania, or back in Illinois. It will happen! Secondly, I'm working on a new exercise routine, but, it will consist of mainly dancing and swimming. (I suppose that part really isn't that new... but new for this year.) I'm also thinking about starting or joining some sort of environmentalist group. Nothing crazy like PETA, but I want to be a little more in tune and in touch with this beautiful world that I'm beginning to discover and enjoy more and more.
Oh I'm excited! Yay!

As a start I have a small wish list I've started of things I might need or want. The first item on this list are these cool new shoes from Keen! They are the Keen Newport H2! If I really get into kayaking, they might be a good investment.

Moonlight Suffering

It's so hot and we don't have air conditioning. I suppose realistically it's not that bad! I could be outside directly in the sunlight having to do hard labor. Still, I'm sticky all over and even sleeping at night in uncomfortable. My room is the bottom level and I can't really leave my window open. Plus, I don't want people walking by and to see me sleeping either. That's just creepy.

I suppose the real point of this blog isn't to bitch about the weather. I've just been chatting with my friend Mike from back in Illinois. He hasn't IMed me in a while and the first thing he sends is something about Clint. Immediately my heart leapt into my throat and I got those old butterfly feelings.

I forgot to mention that on my little trip back to Urbana, Clint and I hung out one evening after his small group. While he worked on his speaker I played Metroid on his Game Cube. It was pretty fun but I'm never good at those kind of first person shooter games. Give me some Legend of Zelda and I'll show you a Master of the Nintendo. Nevertheless I had a good time playing while I chatted with Clint and he helped me through the first level. Afterwards, he got me some water and we watched Constantine. I had expected only to stay for an hour, but he just put the movie on so I stayed. Originally he had been sitting in the chair further away from where I sat on the couch. But while we watched the movie, he sat on the chair closer to me. This still was not close, but closer. It made me remember when we had dated and he'd come over and we'd watch t.v. together. Movies.. whatever. It made me think of when he'd sit on the couch with me and all that.

It was good. We didn't really talk much but enjoyed the movie and I enjoyed just the fact that we were there together. I have to be careful not to flirt too much or making an comments that could be interpretted as flirty. I'm trying so hard to be his friend, just his friend. It's hard though. I miss how he used to look at me. How he would look at me as though I were the most beautiful thing ever created. How it felt when he held me. Even our akward first kiss. **laughs a little**

I'm still contemplating tell him that I still have feelings for him. But the more it seems like it would be best if I said nothing at all. That we should just be friends. Realistically, and I've said this a thousand times, I don't think we're right for each other. We want different things. Clint doesn't seem like the guy who would share with me the things that I love to do, and while I'd go and do things to make him happy, I don't think he would in return. It seems too much like my parent's. And I want someone who will really understand me, and I don't know if Clint ever could.

Nevertheless.. I still think of him often.

Currently listening : Matter + Form By VNV Nation Release date: By 12 April, 2005