I Can't Stop Loving You . . .

The title of this blog is also the title of a Song, a Phil Collins song. Heh, you probably thought that this blog was about Jay Jay didn't you? But you're wrong. This blog is about Brek. Yep, you heard me, Brek. Now I'm sure you're wondering to yourself, Brek? WTF? Why is she writing about Brek? I though that she was over him ages ago! Again my friend, you'd be wrong. I say a lot of things, but that doesn't make them true.

It's been months since I've heard Brek's voice besides his voicemail message, and it's been months since I've seen his face and those gorgeous eyes, except for the few pictures I still have of him. It's been months since I've felt his arms arms around me unless you count the time when someone else has held me and I longed that they were Brek. It's been months since I've tasted Brek on my lips or smelt his scent lingering with exception to the occasional times a memory cell passes by and I experience them in my mind again. Needless to say, it's been months and still to this day my heart aches and burns for Brek. It's funny how I can have crushes and like other guys, like Jay Jay for example. But to come down to it, I don't even know Jay Jay. Pip, Pip is a great guy but he's not Brek.

About a month a go or so at church we had a Joy Service. I was really getting into it and enjoying everything, and then I saw a guy sitting towards the front of the church who looked just like Brek. At that instant I shut down and just stood there staring, hoping that perhaps it was Brek. I couldn't help remembering everything we had been through. Last night too, I saw a couple sitting at the bar. The guy looked so much like Brek is was scary. I could have sworn it was him, but I didn't have the courage to go up to them and see. Again I felt that heart wrenching pain. How I love him.

I really do not know what to do about Brek. What can I do? In order to forget about Brek I would have to stop being me. Because who am I? I am me yes, but so much of me is Brek and so much of Brek is me. We had so much in common it was wierd. Several times he told me, I was him and he was me. He told me we are the same person. And I fully believe we are the same essence of soul. Why else would I hurt so much. When your leg or arm gets ripped away, it hurts and forever will you feel the loss of that precious part of you. Always.

Everything reminds of Brek. I listen to my music and I think of him. He loved the same kind of music I did. We danced to many of the songs that I adore and love. We cuddled and kissed to some of my most cherished bands. I can't look at art and the things I love because a lot of it he introduced me to. I get dressed and I think of him. He loved the way I dressed, He always said that I had a style that was so sexy and sophisticated. I was never trashy or slutty, I always looked perfect. I look in the mirror each day and I see him. He wore eyeliner just like me and I loved it. Nothing gets me going quicker than a man in eyeliner. He is the only one I know who would do that and especially for me. When I fix my hair, I think of him. He loved the way I smelled and the stuff I used in my hair. It was his first memory of me. I can't even go to church and listen to my favorite preachers because they were his favorite. I think of the times we went to church together and worshipped the Lord together. He's the only one I've ever been able to do that with.

Again I ask. What does a person do when everything about themselves and around them reminds them of someone else? I don't know what to do to get over Brek. I've tried being angry, I've tried finding someone else, I've tried being busy, and I've tried forgetting him. Nothing is working. I still love him so much and don't think I will ever stop.

Club Vivid

Last night I went dancing. However, I did not go to the Church as I usually do, I went to a place Sam suggested. The place is called Vivid. It really isn't a club. It's a bar, err.. two bars. It's in Ft. Worth. Anywho, I got there about 11. I walked in and I walked into a bar with not many people. At first I was thinking, "umm.. is this the place?" I took a hesitant step forward then suddenly, 80's music caught my attention. I looked to the left and there were stairs leading to downstairs. Immediately I rushed downstairs as the bar hoppers stared at me akwardly.

Downstairs of this bar there was another bar. It was darkly lit in this room but I easily found Sam and our friends. We sat down and were chatting. I surveyed the area. The room was long and narrow. At the far end, were a couple chairs and couches. The bar ran most of the length of the room with different small tables and seats along the wall. At the beginning of the room was the dance floor. Such a pitifully small dance floor but it would have to do. I ordered a drink, Tequila Sunrise, as Sam and I talked and watched "Fast Times at Rigmont High." I probably watched about half of the movie or so before they finally played some good music to dance to.

I hopped up of course and headed for the dance floor. At first there was only Sam, me, and some other guy. We danced for a while and I actually had a lot of fun dancing to 80's music. I love Retro! I love the 80's!! hehehe. I tried to spend most of my time dancing because soon the bar filled up and there weren't many places for a person to sit alone. I didn't really feel up to meeting people because well, there were no good looking guys to talk with.

I danced with the guy who was on the dance floor originally with us a few times. He danced decently and could keep up with me so that's kewl. We chatted a bit here and there and I quickly realized the dude was gay. That's kewl, at least I knew I could dance with him and he wouldn't be touching me and trying to feel me up and such. But of course as it is Just My Life, some random guy came up to dance with me. He got right in my face, right in my dancing space, and started dancing. Now I don't know what it is with me. But seriously, I always seem to be able to attract either the grossest most disgusting guys, or the absolutely dorkiest ones. This guy was one of the biggest dorks I've ever had to dance with. He was all up on me and in my personal space. Thankfully he never crossed the line and touched me, because at that point his ass would have been grass. But he was one of the worst dancers! OMG! I was so embarrassed! He just went crazy on the dance floor and didn't really seem to be trying. Just freaking out, right then and there. And I did my usual things to try to get guys to back off, I used my arms a bit more wildly so they get the point if they get to close they're going to get hit, and would move back a bit or to different areas. But this guy woulsn't let up. I looked at Sam several times, trying to get him to save me or something, but I was stuck. After about three songs or so of this nonesense, i finally just turned around walked off and I think he got the picture. I just wanted to dance by myself. Dancing by myself is so much better than dancing with a complete and utter dork.

I got hit on by a girl again. Yeah... it was strange. She came up and danced with me to "99 Red Balloons." It was fun, we were just kicking it. She said that I was totally sexy and stuff. All I could do was blush and say thanks. And then her, the gay guy i'd been dancing with, and myself danced together. We twirled ourselves in circles and just had fun. It was great! It's fun to just let loose and have fun with other people who like to dance.

I did have a good time. I'm glad that I tried something new. It's funny. I spent about the same amount of money there as if I had gone to the Church. The Church charges $5 to enter for 21 and up, this place of course is free. So I was able to buy two drinks since they were having $2 you call its all night. It was nice. I liked the place and it's definately kewl for those on a budget and such. But, it's just not the same as the Church. If I ever need a break from the Church or need a good injection of 80's Retro, now I have a new place to go.