Just Breathe

I got into an arguement with my mother today over the stupidest issue, over the way I breathe. I've developed this habit when I'm around people or when I sigh heavily to blow air out of the side of my mouth, much the way a smoker exhales smoke to the side. I do it because, just in case my breath isn't the freshest, I'm not blowing it into people's faces. Isn't that a nice thing to do for people? So my mother has noticed me doing this recently and has asked me about it. She asked me if I was having problems breathing. I said I wasn't and that I have a tendency to breathe heavier than normal an sigh alot. Why? I don't know.. I just do. So she tells me that I look like I'm a smoker or have some sort of ailment when I do this. I did it in front of her today, totally unaware that I actually did it and she told me that what I was doing was wrong and that I needed to stop. It made me laugh. How is sighing and blowing air out of the side of my mouth unhealthy?! I think this is totally ridiculous and told her I wasn't going to change the way I breathe because I don't see anything wrong with it. And personally, I don't care what other people think of me. If they want to think I have health issues or am a smoker, then let them. It's their fault for judging me on some stupid little quirk. I mean.. if my eye twitched every once in a while (and it does) would she tell me to stop that too? I just can't believe that I had to defend myself in the way I breathe. Hello! That's one of those things that you really don't have alot of control over, just a natural process.

Attention World

I would like to apologize to the people who read my blog in presenting certain people improperly. You know, opinion isn't truth. And this journal for the most part is just my opinion and you have to realize that sometimes when i write I'm excessively angry, sad, or happy. We all over exaggerate at some point in our lives. But most importantly I want to say I'm sorry to Rick for having him find out my feelings this way instead of telling him personally. I was wrong.

But another thing that I must point upon. Linda, I'd appreciate it if you got your nose out of my business. How dare you judge me, you don't even know me. We aren't all perfect people Linda, and you are one to talk.

Here are some tidbits of love and affection Linda has recently sent me... ( Linda is Rick's mother btw.)

"It sounds like you are acting like a junior high school child who doesn’t realize that the world doesn’t revolve around your timetable."

"Ricky is far too precious and special to be treated this way. He deserves someone who will love him unconditionally and who will be his helpmate in the path he has chosen. "
Says the mother who tells her own son that he is a burden and how much of a dissapointment he is to her.

"I know you have been disappointed before and perhaps maybe you need to begin looking at the reasons why. If you have been disappointed that much maybe the problem is with you and not the guys."

"I can tell you this, I will encourage my son to stay in Oklahoma." Says the mother who throws out her own children from their home just because she wants it to herself.


I must say how much I appreciate your lovely words Linda and yes I will take into consideration all the problem I have that guys would rather not be with me. But I must say for certain, if it is over between Rick and I, I will rejoice in the fact that I will never have to meet you. I did quite enjoy all the times I was told that Rick shouldn't be with me because I didn't want kids and that I was just some girl who wanted to be loved and would get it from anywhere if i could.

What is love?

Haddaway wrote a song about this very question and I think just about every person ever in existance have pondered this. There is many different levels of love. For example, there is the love that a child has for a parent, that a brother has for a brother, that a person has for a friend, that God has for us all, and that husband has for a wife. I'm sure there is alot more but that's all I can think of right now. How many of these kinds of love have I experienced? A few.. I love my parents, my family, my brother, my friends, and of course, the one and only Jesus. One love that I have most recently experienced is that for my boyfriend Rick. I'll admit I've been very hurt and very untrusting but I do love him. One thing I've learned though is that you can never really learn to love somebody till you've lived with that person and spent time with them. It's one thing to talk to someone everyday but you don't know how that person acts in certain situations and stuff. It takes time. One thing for sure is that two half peoples don't make one whole when they come together. Two whole people make one whole person when they come together. I'll admit that I have alot of problems and need to work them out. I also am still growing. I have my whole life ahead of me to learn and to become the woman God wants me to become.

I love Jesus.. I love Mom and Dad. I love Sam. I love my animals. How do I prove these? I don't know. Sure I tell them but I pray and talk to Jesus. I help my parents out and spend time with them. I always go out with Sam and find ways to do things for him. My animals... well i give them kisses, pet them, play with them, feed them, and take care of them.

I want what most girls want. I want the knight in shining armor to come rescue me. Not that my life here is so terrible, it's actually really great. But i've spent my whole life being a monster and a girl should be seen as a beautiful thing. God made us beautiful, all of us. Rick made me feel beautiful, he showed me how beautiful I was, even when I couldn't see it. He's the only one, other than my parents, to make me feel this way. I need.. not need but want a Godly man, an honorable man, a man that will stand by his word and by God's word. I think of the scene at the very end of Pretty Woman when Richard Gere comes riding on his white limo and comes and takes Julia Roberts away. In the second version of The Parent Trap the mother says something along the lines of, "I got on that plane and you didn't come after me." In the end she leaves again, but he does come and get her. I want that romance.

Rick once told me that he loved me and he would do anything for me. He wanted to be with me and no matter what I did he would always forgive me and do anything he had to to be with me. Do i need to prove my love? I sure will try. But, how can I prove my love to someone who isn't here?

Been there, done that, got the T-shirt

So as it being just my life, when you think you've found somebody really great and special to love something happens and you realize it's not what you thought. Sadly I must say that I can compare Bob and Rick now. And that is just sad. Rick is a great guy, so was Bob. However, they both have the big issue of not being able to keep promises and use too many words and not enough actions. It's one thing to tell someone you love them, it's another to prove it. So for the second weekend in a row Rick has told me that he would come to see me. Right... The worst part of it was that deep down in my heart I knew that it wasn't going to happen. Now what does this remind you of? Must we review?! I don't even want to think of how many times Bob did the same thing to me. Needless to say I'm sick of all the words and broken promises. I'm not going to sit around the rest of my life waiting, hoping and getting left out in the cold. No thank you! I have my life to live and I'm going to live it. Now I'm not totally tossing Rick to the curb. I honestly do love him very much but he needs to realize that what I need, he isn't providing. Once he gets his life in order and gets situated and stuff.. he knows where to reach me. Till then.. I'm free.