Kitten

Ben and I went out tonight. It was his making up for cancelling on me on Tuesday. He was quite tired from having spent the day playing Paint Ball and at first it was kind of annoying. But, halfway through dinner he kind of snapped out it, or I just stopped caring and we ended up having a good time afterall.

Since he's been driving us around the past couple days and he was uber tired, I decided that I'd pick him up and drive us. That way too, I would be in charge of making the decisions and such. So I picked him up and we went to have dinner. I really wanted Chinese. And as we were searching for a Chinese place, we passed a Thai place. Ben then heckled me and I gave in to his desire to introduce me to Thai. But as we walked to the Thai place, we spotted Chinese. We were then, torn. So he flipped his cigarette box and ultimately I won and we ate chinese. Yay!

After dinner we went to the movie theatre where Ben decided we had to watch The Exorcism of Emily Rose. He had been wanting to see it and since we both like horror flicks... we watched it. Now the movie was quite creepy and parts of it gave me the chills b/c I understand all those feelings and have been in some of those positions myself. But then, the movie lost all it's scariness at the end of the exorcism when the spirits revealed themselves to be the devil. I just thought.. Lame..... and unrealistic. It was an alright movie nonetheless.

Afterwards I really didn't want to go home yet neither did I want to spend anymore time away from Ben. So we went and got Ice Cream from Sonic. It was really fun because I loosened up and talked a lot which really surprised Ben. I was giddy and enthusiastic which was nice that Ben could see me in a different light.

We never brought up what happened last night and the akwardness wasn't there so that was good. Of course, while we were driving he did call me a kitten. A nickname I haven't heard in a while. And of course, Ben is right. I am a kitten, I'm very passive. But I do have my own spurts of being aggressive, it's just very rare.

I dropped Ben off and let him borrow one of my drafting books. He as usual gave me a goodnight hug. Of course it felt wonderful. And then he softly said that he still hadn't figured me out yet. I just laughed. For as much as he has figured out about me and can tell me about my life having only known me for about two weeks, I don't understand how he hasn't been able to crack the Enigma that is Anna Marie.

Ugh.. this kitten wants to curl up with Ben so bad! Meow!

Making Time and Questions..

So tonight turned out to be much different than I had expected. First, I imagined that Ben and I would have coffee, just talk for a bit, and then we'd go our seperate ways. He'd go off to his game, I'd go work and then go watch End of Cinematics. This however, was not the case.
I was sitting outside the dock waiting for Ben, when called. Lo and behold, he decided that he could go play his game any week but how often would it be that he'd get a free ticket to see a production at Krannert, let alone End of Cinematics which would only be shown twice here in Urbana.He figured after the production he'd go to the game.

He met me at the dock and we started walking to his place, which isn't very far at all. While walking he asked me if I wanted to go play paint ball. I said I didn't. Then he made up a very elaborate detailed scenario that involved us going to play paint ball all day, coming home and getting cleaned up, having dinner, and then going to a movie.. "Let's make it a date!" he exclaims. Ugh.. what's a girl to say?! .. Sadly I had to decline because well, I have a ton of homework to do! At first he teased me about it, but he's had to cancel numerous times because of homework and understood. I did however agree that we'd go to a movie. So I think that sated him enough.

We went to dinner at Dos Reales and talked and stuff. It was nice. Then we went to his place so he could change for the evening, then we went to my place so I could let him borrow a shirt, and then we went back to the Theatre. At the theatre we met up with some of his friends and I got to meet them. They seemed really nice, but of course me, I got really shy and a little jealous. But nobody had saved us seats so we sat alone towards the front. This is where things got a little akward...

Ben had said something stupid and sarcastic and of course I had to make a smart-ass retort of which he then rebutted me with his quick wit and such. I, acting offended, threatened to leave. Of course I didn't, pouted, and proceeded to rest my head on his shoulder. At which he moved his arm to lay behind me across my chair back. I felt akward.. and I could feel he probably too felt akward.

Me: Does this make you uncomfortable?

Ben: No.... but it does raise some questions.

Me: **silence** ............. should we discuss said questions now or wait till later.

Ben: I think I should gather my thoughts and questions.. you should gather your thoughts and questions.. and then we'll meet in the middle.

Me: What if I don't have any questions?

Ben: I'm sure you do.

**silence**

I felt totally akward and feigned a neck cramp to lift my head. Now I'm kind of curious to the questions he has. I mean.. what would he want to ask? I think it's obvious that I like him and I think it's quite apparent that I wouldn't mind having a relationship with him. I'd be quite shocked if he didn't realize this! I mean he's supposedly really good at reading and understanding people, hell, he could tell you my life story, my personality, and my secrets, just by having observed me for a couple days. So what questions would he have?!

I know I shouldn't worry about this. But I do. I worry that perhaps I was wrong and that he does just want to be friends. I worry that perhaps he does like me and he isn't ready for a relationship. I worry that if I don't say anything, he'll find somebody else and be with her. I worry that if I do say something, it'll freak him out and ruin our friendship. Crappy worrying.
I want to be honest. Yes I do like him. Yes I wouldn't mind being with him. Yes I do understand that he may not be ready and I'm willing to wait. I want to move at a pace that's comfortable for him because I understand he's been through a lot. I don't want to rush him. Le sigh... if he brings it up, I'll just be honest. But till then, I'm just not going to say anything and I'm going to tone down the flirting, though if I tone it down anymore... he may think I'm no longer interested.

Love is so complicated!

Nevertheless... we watched End of Cinematics. All I can say is that yes, it was kind of interesting. But for like the first 10 minutes. After which, I would have liked it to have ended. I seriously could have spent the evening better, like watching the Boondock Saints with Ben curled up on his couch. Ben actually fell asleep during the performance. Afterwards, he drove me home. I didn't give him a hug, he didn't try to get one from me before I scrambled out of the car. But I still had a good time with him and I still enjoyed spending the evening with him.

We'll see how tomorrow goes. Hopefully it'll be better.

Growth and Highdive

So.. I'm totally uber hot! lol. Conceited much?... perhaps. Ok. Maybe I am just a little narsistic but you know what, I spent most of my life as an ugly duckling, and as I've gotten older, the Lord has renewed my beauty and made me strong. I am beautiful in His Image and I'm happy to show it.

Enough with the ego masterbation. I guess I should be telling you about my evening. It was actually pretty fun despite Ben bailing on me to do some silly stuff like.. oh what is it.. homework and sleeping. Pshah! lol

No it's kewl. He did seem awfully tired and the more he's rested and caught up on his work, the more time he'll have for me. Today at lab we didn't talk or anything, but once lab was over he waited for me to finish cleaning up. We talked a bit and made plans for going fabric shopping in town this week. I was upset that he wouldn't be joining me this evening, but I made him promise to make it up. He's supposed to make me salad on Saturday and take me to see a movie. hehehe. I think that will do, for now. **evil grin**

But he was so cute when we were saying goodbye for the evening! He wrapped me up in a big warm hug and just held me for a minute and told me how happy it makes him to see me. That it's always a joy to see me. That made me feel so awesome, that I was bringing happiness and light into someone's life and world. Then we kind of started talking again, just jibber jabbering and then before he walked off he enveloped me in another strong embrace. He held me so tight and so close, our cheeks touched ever so lightly and it was so intimate a moment. Softly he whispered to me that I felt so good and we didn't want to let go, but remain locked, comforted, accepted, loved.

From this encounter, I know Ben likes me for sure with no doubt. And I've realized why exactly he's been so distant and that gradually with each day he's becoming more aware of how and what he feels. Even though it's going slow, I love how beautiful it unfolds slightly, each time we're together. People want to rush to imidiate physical intimacy (I'm guilty of it too) that they lose these ever so precious moments.

Needless to say I'm psyched about the next we see each other and I have that to get me through the rest of this week. Not that I couldn't have before, but now I have something to look forward to other than more work and homework. hehehe. Anywho.... I still went dancing. They had a band come through, "Machine in the Garden." Now they were alright. I really only enjoyed a couple of their songs, but overall it was decent. Rose and I hung out and talked and I jung out with Josh a bit. While Rose and I were talking, these two guys came up to us (obviously not a part of the Goth culture.. they were sporting white button up's and School T-Shirts) and started talking to us. Of course Rose and I were polite and talked with them. They were interested in the music and dancing and we were happy to discuss it with them. Then the four of us went and danced. It was fun. I just love to dance so I went crazy. Luckily the guy who was obviously hitting on me didn't touch me but just danced next to me. I have to give him and his boy props because they totally cut a rug! Lol they weren't the best of course, but hey.. I give them an "A" for effort! At least they danced and weren't lame and just stood off in the sidelines. At the end of the evening the one guy asked me for my number and wanted to call me... but... I'm sort of seeing someone right now, sorry.

I would have liked Ben to have been there, not because I didn't have fun or anything, but I would have liked to have shared the experience with him. Plus, there were a lot more people there than usual and better music than last week.Oh well.. I still enjoyed myself and hopefully he got some sleep or some work done, maybe both!

Opposites Attract

It's funny how different Ben and I are in personalities, but we like a lot of the same things. We both like ReneFaires, LOTR, DnD, and all that fantasy stuff. We enjoy similiar music and dancing.

Personality-wise though.. Ben is very loud and outgoing. Me?... I'm extrememly shy and tend to stand in the back unnoticed. It's funny how that works. I think Ben is trying to get me out of my shell.. he says I won't be able to help it, especially once we go to Chicago. heh. We'll see. Get a few drinks in me and the sky is the limit. lol.

But last night he came over, we made a burrito run, and then watched LOTR Two Towers. It was fun. Even though I know he's read the books and seen the movie a million times, he acted as if he'd never seen the movie before and was so excited and energetic. It was cute.

Le sigh.. He's so cute. He sat on the big couch and I sat curled up on the little chair, across the room from each other. It took all i had not to crawl over to him and cuddle up with him. I did however get a hug from him before he left, it was a good hug. Very close, warm, and slightly prolonged than a normal quick hug.

I can't wait to see him tonight at Lab. **giggles** Tomorrow we're going dancing again. I'm going to wear my corset, heh heh. Ben beware! I wonder if he'd mind if I nibbled his shoulder a bit. Perhaps that will get me through another week.

**Swoon**