Cry for Help
I couldn't take it anymore, the silence between Breck and I. I keep having dreams, I can't focus, and I can't sleep. I wrote him an e-mail early early.. I had to let him know how I felt, I had to at least try.
The Letter:
Well.. now it's my turn to be the one who can't sleep. What an interesting turn of fate. I remember the days when it was you who couldn't and you were the one sending me these random e-mails in the wee hours of the night. Hmm.. I'm sure I could sleep if I really wanted to, but there is just too much on my mind and on my heart. Where shall I begin?
So far school is going fine. Same old same old. I'm so busy with production stuff I barely have time to do all my other homework. I'm having to wake up early just so I can do more work and such. It's not so bad, most of my classes don't start till even after noon and I'm out farely early, depending on the day. You know how it is. I'm the Costume Designer for our Musical, Once Upon A Mattress. I have a deadline for my design due Sept. 17th. You wouldn't believe how many renderings I have to do. I'm used to doing maybe 12, max. Hahaha... i have 51 to do in a week and a half. Fun Fun! I know I'll get it done in time, and I know it will be great. It's just the time in between still. Lots of work to be done.
I've been going to church a lot. Listening to tapes, reading my bible (when i can), and really trying to live more fully for God. I get the feeling that He doesn't want me going to the Church anymore. He knows that I love to dance and I think that if I sacrifice my love of it in that way it's ok. I honestly feel that He has something better for me in dancing, like, when I get married, I'll get to go ballroom dancing and fun things like that. There have been a lot of changes in my life again. It seems that I change and shift with each semester or change in the season. This is a good change I'm sensing. More spiritual, more loving, more honest, and more pure. At the same time though, my anger and frustration is being changed into hurt and pain.
Breck.. I don't understand what has happened to us. Do you realize it's been over a month since we've seen each other? We haven't even really talked since then at all. I wonder what happened so many times. What happened to my friend, the one who couldn't sleep b/c he was so excited about spending time with me. The one who sent me e-mail upon e-mail just to see how my day was and tell me the randomist stuff that only we would care about. The one who told me that I was one of their favorite persons in the whole world. The one who said that we were the same person and would rather be my friend than to ever lose me. The one who was worried that they wouldn't get to see me at all anymore once school started. The one who I had shared one of the most amazing summers with. Those times we shared during the summer... they almost seem like a dream.
I can pin point to the exact day in which everything changed between us, the moment when nothing was ever the same. Suddenly you became less attentive, you talked to me less and less, and you virtually disappeared. I've gone through so many emotions about our friendship, there have been many days and nights where I've cried because I missed my best friend so much, the person who understood me beyond anyone else in the world. I've called repeadidly, just wanting to talk, struggling to keep our friendship afloat, trying to at least let you know that I still existed and cared. But i get nothing in return. You don't call me back. You don't e-mail me.
I've been so angry and so hurt by you Breck. And I dont know why you are so distant! Ever since I left for Houston I have felt the change. I can feel it in my heart that there is something you aren't telling me. There is something you are hiding from me. Oh how I wish you would just be honest and open with me. What do you have to fear? I'd rather you told me and be forthright, than to keep me dangling and wondering and worrying. You are doing exactly what you told me you wouldn't do! You know how I've been treated in the past by guys. You know and yet you are doing that very thing, and worse. At least Jason had the honor and virtue to tell me that he needed his space and what he felt. You haven't even done me that right. And don't i deserve that? Haven't I been a good and faithful friend to you? ....
Do you understand what I'm saying? Do you hear my words? Can you feel the pain I'm going through? I often wonder if you even think about me anymore. There isn't a day that goes by when you aren't on my mind or in my heart. I can't focus like I should be able to because I hurt so much. There have been days when I've wanted to scream at you, cry over you, and forget you. But that wouldn't be right. I need to know what has happened between us. If you've gotten back together with Lisa, and just are scared to let me know, be a man. Let me bless you and send you off in happiness, in love, and in peace. Please don't keep me here anylonger, drowning, struggling to stay afloat. If you ever cared about me, please, I need closure.
Your kitten forever,
Anna Marie
***
"Did I disappoint you?Did I let you down?Did I stand on the shoreAnd watch you as you drowned?Can you forgive me?I never knew The pain you carriedDeep inside of you."
- Disappoint, Assemblage 23
I couldn't take it anymore, the silence between Breck and I. I keep having dreams, I can't focus, and I can't sleep. I wrote him an e-mail early early.. I had to let him know how I felt, I had to at least try.
The Letter:
Well.. now it's my turn to be the one who can't sleep. What an interesting turn of fate. I remember the days when it was you who couldn't and you were the one sending me these random e-mails in the wee hours of the night. Hmm.. I'm sure I could sleep if I really wanted to, but there is just too much on my mind and on my heart. Where shall I begin?
So far school is going fine. Same old same old. I'm so busy with production stuff I barely have time to do all my other homework. I'm having to wake up early just so I can do more work and such. It's not so bad, most of my classes don't start till even after noon and I'm out farely early, depending on the day. You know how it is. I'm the Costume Designer for our Musical, Once Upon A Mattress. I have a deadline for my design due Sept. 17th. You wouldn't believe how many renderings I have to do. I'm used to doing maybe 12, max. Hahaha... i have 51 to do in a week and a half. Fun Fun! I know I'll get it done in time, and I know it will be great. It's just the time in between still. Lots of work to be done.
I've been going to church a lot. Listening to tapes, reading my bible (when i can), and really trying to live more fully for God. I get the feeling that He doesn't want me going to the Church anymore. He knows that I love to dance and I think that if I sacrifice my love of it in that way it's ok. I honestly feel that He has something better for me in dancing, like, when I get married, I'll get to go ballroom dancing and fun things like that. There have been a lot of changes in my life again. It seems that I change and shift with each semester or change in the season. This is a good change I'm sensing. More spiritual, more loving, more honest, and more pure. At the same time though, my anger and frustration is being changed into hurt and pain.
Breck.. I don't understand what has happened to us. Do you realize it's been over a month since we've seen each other? We haven't even really talked since then at all. I wonder what happened so many times. What happened to my friend, the one who couldn't sleep b/c he was so excited about spending time with me. The one who sent me e-mail upon e-mail just to see how my day was and tell me the randomist stuff that only we would care about. The one who told me that I was one of their favorite persons in the whole world. The one who said that we were the same person and would rather be my friend than to ever lose me. The one who was worried that they wouldn't get to see me at all anymore once school started. The one who I had shared one of the most amazing summers with. Those times we shared during the summer... they almost seem like a dream.
I can pin point to the exact day in which everything changed between us, the moment when nothing was ever the same. Suddenly you became less attentive, you talked to me less and less, and you virtually disappeared. I've gone through so many emotions about our friendship, there have been many days and nights where I've cried because I missed my best friend so much, the person who understood me beyond anyone else in the world. I've called repeadidly, just wanting to talk, struggling to keep our friendship afloat, trying to at least let you know that I still existed and cared. But i get nothing in return. You don't call me back. You don't e-mail me.
I've been so angry and so hurt by you Breck. And I dont know why you are so distant! Ever since I left for Houston I have felt the change. I can feel it in my heart that there is something you aren't telling me. There is something you are hiding from me. Oh how I wish you would just be honest and open with me. What do you have to fear? I'd rather you told me and be forthright, than to keep me dangling and wondering and worrying. You are doing exactly what you told me you wouldn't do! You know how I've been treated in the past by guys. You know and yet you are doing that very thing, and worse. At least Jason had the honor and virtue to tell me that he needed his space and what he felt. You haven't even done me that right. And don't i deserve that? Haven't I been a good and faithful friend to you? ....
Do you understand what I'm saying? Do you hear my words? Can you feel the pain I'm going through? I often wonder if you even think about me anymore. There isn't a day that goes by when you aren't on my mind or in my heart. I can't focus like I should be able to because I hurt so much. There have been days when I've wanted to scream at you, cry over you, and forget you. But that wouldn't be right. I need to know what has happened between us. If you've gotten back together with Lisa, and just are scared to let me know, be a man. Let me bless you and send you off in happiness, in love, and in peace. Please don't keep me here anylonger, drowning, struggling to stay afloat. If you ever cared about me, please, I need closure.
Your kitten forever,
Anna Marie
***
"Did I disappoint you?Did I let you down?Did I stand on the shoreAnd watch you as you drowned?Can you forgive me?I never knew The pain you carriedDeep inside of you."
- Disappoint, Assemblage 23
