Voice '06 Part 2a - The Morning Half

Current mood: loved

Today was the second day of the Voice '06 Young Adult Conference. And man, was it awesome! I woke up at 7, 15 minutes before my alarm! But I stayed in bed till Rafael called me about 4 minutes after my alarm had gone off. Excitedly I prepared, thinking of a way to goth out my conference t-shirt. So basically, I wore a fishnet shirt underneath, black pants, and a brown plaid skirt. Yeah, I think I looked pretty spiffy. Definately different than jeans.

I picked up Rafael and arrived at the conference to a welcoming breakfast of eggs, sausage, bacon, bagels and the other usual breakfasty staples. It was good to sit and eat and talk with some of the other people attending the conference. Some of the young people were from Carbondale (southern Illinois) and some from Chicago too. It was a pretty spiffy conglomeration of people.

After breakfast we all filed into the sanctuary. Joe had found us by then, or should I say I found Joe by then and instead of sitting with us, he sat behind us. He claimed that it was because he was in a grouchy mood b/c he's not a morning person.

Anywho.. the sermon began and he wasn't even 5 minutes into it when I began to just bawl! Tears were streaming down my face and I started writing out a prayer to God. It was really awesome. Rick was speaking about Daddies and how God is our ultimate Daddy. This made me think of course of my daddy back home in Texas. About how much I miss him, about how much I really love him and all the things he's done for me. Then to make things even more emotional, it made me think how much more awesome then God is! How much more does He love me, and how much more does He do for me, and all of that stuff combined! It was awesome. Of course I then started thinking about how my daddy isn't saved. He hasn't accepted Jesus yet as his personal savior and that broke my heart even more! I love this man so much, he's such a good man and he doesn't even know Jesus. This man who is so important in my life is lost to a world of sin and damnation! I want so much for him to find the love of God as I and so many others have. And yet even more thoughts of love filled me up. I want to be a source by which the Lord reveals his love for him. I want my daddy to see me and see Jesus and know that being a christian is ok and it doesn't mean you have to be crazy and you don't have to hurt people. That we're real, honest genuine people too. That even when we do mess up, it's ok!

But to top it all off, I found a new level of love and appreciation for God, my Abba Father. He gave me a really great daddy. Though he's my step dad, I couldn't have had a better daddy! My dad has been there for me always. He has taught me so much, believed in me, given me everything I could have ever wanted or needed. When I couldn't talk to my mother and when I hated her, he was there to listen and encourage me. I know that he cries because he loves me, like when I moved away and when I graduated. I know he's proud of me and that he loves me. And I know that God gave him to me to fulfill all those needs I would have in my life. Before I was even born, before my brother was born, before my mother ever married my biological father, God brought my daddy into her life because He knew that I would need him. It's amazing how much God loves me. And he shows me his love through my daddy and because of my great relationship with my daddy, I can have a great relationship with my God.

I cried during the entire sermon. I wept and wept and wept. I couldn't stop myself. Some of what he said didn't apply, but all these thoughts and emotions were running through me. At the end of the service, Rick invited us to find our own little quiet areas to pray and worship. I got up and found a little corner cubby by the cross. I sat there and prayed and cried and worshipped. Before too long, a shadow came by me and someone sat down next to me. It was Joe. He put his arm on my shoulder and asked if I was ok. I told him all that I have just written about God and my daddy and then I sobbed some more. Joe didn't say a word, he just held me. Peace fell over me and love. Then a thought came to my mind: I have been searching for God, wanting Him to be real to me. Through Joe, God was revealing His love for me. It wasn't Joe who was holding me, it was God. I laughed! God had answered my prayer. In that moment, I felt like God was acknowledging me. He said that I am accepted and loved, that I am His child and that He is pleased with me. It was a wonderful moment and thank Joe for being so open to the Spirit, for being bold enough to hold me, and to care enough to come see if I was alright. God really touched me and spoke to me. I felt His love in a way I haven't felt in a long time. How great is our God?

Of course on a slightly other note, Joe held me! hehehe.

Voice '06 - Part 1

Today was the kick off to our weekend Voice '06 conference! I'm volunteering as one of the welcome people which basically means I open the doors for people as they enter and smile. How hard can that be? Not very.. because really, I'm super cute and adorable and who wouldn't want to see me smiling at them? As for opening the doors, that's just plain fun and polite. hehehe.

We arrived early to help set up and get things ready. Registration started at like.. 3:00 pm. But no one showed up till 4:15 and even then, the bulk and majority of people didn't arrive till 6:00! So there was a lot of down time and just hanging out with the other volunteers.

It was really nice holding doors open for people and welcoming them. I used to do that at my old church, Eagle Mountain. Plus, I got to do it with my friend Andrew, the one who i shared a canoe with in the fall! It's funny. We never really hang out or talk regularly, but when we happen to see each other and talk, we always have great conversations. It's way kewl.

The first part of the conference was really good. I enjoyed it very much. The worship was awesome, a great band, everyone paying attention to God, and just wonderfulness. Then of course anouncements, and intro by Happy, and then Part 1 from Rick Olmstead (Sp?). The first half of the message really touched me. Rick talked about how we deserve so much in our lives and that we should be Barbarians! Barbarians in the sense that we are gung-ho about Jesus and give our all to Him. Like when we were new and baby christians.. before we became 'civilized' in our religion. It really excited me. I want to be that way again! I want to be able to tell people about Jesus and be really on fire for God. He then showed us the Switchfoot video, "Meant to Live." And though I've heard that song so many times, it never touched me as much as it did tonight. It reminded me of all those things I learned at Eagle Mountain about who we are in Christ. How we deserve so much in life and all that stuff! Just awesome!

The second half didn't really seem to concern me, or at least it didn't really seem to. But i'm sure it touched others and that's what is important. Afterwards there was a time of ministry and so many people were touched. It was great to see the Lord moving over people, freeing them from their troubles and heartaches. Breaking them, only to build them up again. God is so awesome!

Then i sat there and talked with Andrew, and then Kelley, and Bob. Next thing I know, there is a tap on my shoulder. I turned around and there was Joe. I was so shockd and stunned to see him there wanting to talk to me. He sat down and we all started talking. Before I knew it, it was just him and me. We talked about all sorts of things but then the band started playing again. I thought he would either get up to worship or find a breaking point and then leave. But instead, he invited me out to the lobby where we could finish talking. We got tea and talked. Rafael and Henry joined us too. And we all talked. Then we all went out to IHOP. I really wanted pancakes. It was super fun. We all were talking, no one was left out. Joe and I talked and of course there was a bit o flirting, at least I thought so. At one point i even think he complimented and said that he liked my hair. Which is good! because i have great hair. hahaha! It really was a good time. I liked being able to spend time with Joe. Plus, I wasn't really nervous. I got to be myself. It was great.

Anyways.. it's late and i'm tired. I should get to bed since I gotta get up early. But that's ok. I'll get to go get my worship on and spend more time with Joe!

Dreams of "him"

Isn't it funny the things you dream. During my short period where I freaked out about Brek, my friend Laura called me. Almost instantaneously I was brought back to the real world and the life that I am living right now. My attention was focused on the present, going to church, and my friends. Brek was pushed severally out of mind. Then.. last night.. I dreamt, and what a dream it was. So vivid, so real, so believable.

I dreamt that I was on a ship. What kind was it? Where was I going? I don't quite know for sure. It was a big ship though and it was cold and dark outside. I was talking with someone, when out of the corner of my eye a man hopped down some stairs and started walking down the corridor. There were a couple other guys with him, dressed similarly (rockabilly-esque). Mid sentence I stopped talking and rushed at the main guy. Even from behind I could see that it was Brek. All those old feelings, old pains, old loves, and questions rushed into my heart as I ran towards him. The same fear that he would ignore me and reject even conversing would me came to mind.

When I touched his arm and called out his name at first he tried to get away, as though he knew it were me chasing him. There was no where for him to go though and his friends found it odd that he'd be running from me. Finally he turned to face me and those beautiful eyes looked down at me angrily. I threw my arms around him and clung to him, just as I had done the last time we saw each other, before I left Dallas. I could feel his warmth, his muscles, his skin against mine. It was the same... so real. He asked what I wanted, seeming agigtated with my presence.

I glanced down at his left hand and saw that he was wearing a ring. He was married, and I knew exactly to whom. I asked if he had married Lisa. He acknowledged that he had. Though there was a bit of pain from this because I knew then that he never loved me, I also was happy. I was happy that he could be happy without me. I was happy that he had found love and he was content in his life. I was happy that I knew this and that I could move on because there was nothing to chase anymore. I told him how much I missed him. I asked why he couldn't have just told me. He didn't have much to say. He doesn't seem to ever have much to say to me anymore.

Then somehow the scene shifted and we were laying down together, like we had only a couple years ago, on his couch. The same scent, the same cool feel, the strength of our embrace. I knew he would never be mine. Somehow though, he did care about me. We were friends. We missed our friendship, our connection... each other. For what seemed like ages, we just hugged and clung to one another, remembering feelings and sensations long gone away.

I Still Love You...


Breck,

There are so many thoughts running through my head right now. It's been such a long time and I know many things have happened in our lives. Good, bad, wonderful, unexplainable. Yet despite our distance, your silence, and all that we've been through, I cannot get you out of my head and heart. Is that wrong? Perhaps. But perhaps it's merely a testament to how much you've touched my life. Everything about who I am reminds me of you. How can someone who was in my life for such a short period of time have effected it so significantly?

Where are you? Who have you become? Though I was the one who moved, you are the one who's gone. ..