Self-muliation at it's finest.

Each day for me seems to grow more and more with pain, struggle, and internal torment.

Last night Sam and I went to Mythos. We hung out with Garret a little before hand and went to the mall. It was funny to see the people's expressions at our Goth attire. I was wearing my vinyl outfit that I had made, Sam and Garret were in their normal black t-shirts, black pants/shorts and boots. Nonetheless, if you are from the 'normal' everyday society, we stood out as 'odd'. We had fun looking at stuff and just talking. The mall closed and we headed out to Arlington. Dismantled was playing so we were all sorts of excited to see them. We arrived a little after 9, probably a little before 9:30. There already was a crowd upstairs in Mythos. We had each taken our own cars and I was the last to arrive. It was fun though. It was almost like one of those magical jaw dropping moments. I walked up the stairs and into the scene. Practically everyone in the room stopped for a second and looked at me. I felt beautiful. I casually looked around, spotted Sam and our friends and headed over. hehehe. This is probably all in my head, but I'll just pretend that happened. **giggle**
I got a drink and sat down in the corner with some people. I just sat there being cute and taking in the room. Dismantled was running a late sound check so we got to see them perform a song or two early. Then I spotted Brek, he walked through the crowd and seated himself at the bar. I watched him from my little corner, making sure he didn't see me. Yummy... he's just so yummy. I thought about walking over to him, but I decided tonight would be different. I wanted him to come to me. I got up a few times and walked around, said hi to people, walked downstairs once, just so I could be seen (not only by him, but others as well). He took a quick trip downstairs and on his return up, he spotted me and smiled. I smiled back at him and then turned my attention to some other people. He went back to the bar for a minute but then he came walking back to me. My plan had worked. hehehe.. gotta make them work for it. Of course, the moment he came over to me, I wrapped my arms around him and gave him a soft little kiss. Just a hello kiss, but a kiss nonetheless. I held onto him for a long time.

The first band that played, Whore, was decent, but.. the mic wasn't working so we couldn't hear his singing. They only played like... 3 songs. Then it was over. It took FOREVER for the second band to set up. And it wasn't even a band! It was a guy with a little mixer, a dinky casio keyboard, and some flashy bluelights. That's it! AND!!!! the guy played forever! I never thought it was going to end. It really sucked. I didn't like it at all. Plus, I was too busy flirting with Brek.
We bit each other a lot and cuddled a lot. I just love being held by him. He smells so good. I love biting him. It's fun. We flirted a lot. I know I shouldn't, but I just can't help him. I like him so much, I want him so much. Plus, he was flirting right back. I probably was just taking advantage of him though, he drank a lot last night. I feel kind of bad, but I really like him. I want to be with him. Of course the entire time I was yelling at myself for doing it, knowing I shouldn't be holding him so much, knowing I shouldn't be caressing him so much. We sat in the corner on a couch together and I held him, I clawed his tummy, I stroked his wonderfully strong arms. I couldn't take my eyes off him. He's so cute. I just stared at him, watched him. I'm so aweful. But I can't help it. I didn't want to, but at the same time I did.
I'm so angry with myself. I hurt when I'm without him. I hurt when I'm with him. I don't know what hurts more. I mean when I'm with him.. I have nothing. I have no Brek. But when I'm spending time with him, I get to see him, I get to talk to him, and on occasion, I get to touch him. Though this should make me happy, it still brings me much sorrow. I know that he doesn't love me, I know he's not with me and that I can't be with him, and I know he wants to be with Lisa. Why do I put myself through this? I've already been in a relationship like this and it sucked! I hurt so much from it. I suppose because Brek is different from David that I want to believe it will be o.k.

**Ok scary thought I just had. What if Brek isn't different like David? What if he's doing the same thing? What if he's just using me to get his kicks in. What if like David, he's lying? He's read all my blogs, he knows where I'm vulnerable, he knows.**

I wanted to cry all night while I was with him. I wanted to scream. I didn't want to let him go. I was angry when he left early. I was angry when he told me he wasn't going to go with me to the Bonfire tomorrow. I was angry that I can't have him. I was angry at Sam for being with Ammanda. I was angry watching them together. I'm hurting and I don't know how to make the pain go away.
Sam tells me I shouldn't put myself through such an experience. He knows it's the same thing. I already have that experience. But I can't just stop loving Brek. How do you make your heart stop loving? How do you turn off your emotions? Why do I submit myself to such torture? This is self-mutilation at it's finest.

Jerk/Dork Magnet

A while back when I was out dancing with Brek, he told me that I was great 'guy repelant'. Now before you're offended.. he didn't mean it in the bad way. You see, Brek is really hot and we like to go to places where the people are more... how do you say... open-minded and flamboyant. **grins** Of course, this can create a problem, but mainly for Brek. Because he emanates his extreme hotness, lots of people are attracted to him. Unfortunately the majority of that population are gay men. Brek has told me stories where he's had to knock the dudes out because they wouldn't leave him alone. **happy mental image.. (Brek in one of his yummy sleeveless shirts, eye liner, and kicking someone's ass)... sighs happily** Like I said, this has been an issue for Brek so he always had to think carefully about what he wore and which songs he danced to. Now that I'm in the picture I keep those gay men at bay and Brek doesn't have to be so picky. He can dance to more of his favorite songs and wear more of his choice outfits. So it's true what he said.. kind of. I'm good "gay guy repelant."

Nonetheless, I'm still stuck in my own dilemma, being that I am a Jerk/Dork Magnet (excluding Brek). Even when Brek is around, I still get hit on by all sorts of gross guys. Just last week, this dork asked me to dance with him. Being nice I said yes. Ugh... yeah... I really should just say no. Treat it like drugs, Just say NO! After a song or two of this torture Brek finally swooped in and saved me! I grabbed hold of him and he lifted me out of the lion pit. Tonight sadly, I did not have my Knight in Vinyl Armor. He had been working so hard lately and needed his rest. **huggles for Brek** Anyways... I was having a decent time, I had been there maybe what... 15 minutes. I was waiting by the railing, just watching the people and listening to the music. The guy next to me turns and starts talking to me. I shrugged it off and made polite conversation. Then he introduces me to some of his, what I thought were friends at the time. After some more light chit chat he goes in for the kill

Dude: So is your boyfriend dancing out there somewhere?
Me: **think of Brek.. I wish Brek was my boyfriend. That'd be nice. I could pretend Brek is my boyfriend. I could pretend I have a boyfriend just to get this guy away from me** Uh.. no. I don't have a boyfriend ** You idiot! What are you doing?!?! .. I just can't lie**
Dude: Oh yeah? Why's that?
Me: **thinking more about Brek. Brek should be my boyfriend. I like Brek a lot. I wonder if he's thinking of me. I love you Lord. I should just trust you.... Stammers**
Dude: Long story huh?
Me: **nod**
Dude: Yeah my girlfriend just broke up with me two weeks ago.
Me: Aww really? I'm sorry. **I wonder why she dumped him**
Dude: No it's o.k. See that girl up there? **points to a woman**
Me: Yeah
Dude: That's my wife.
Me: **stunned silence... confused silence** uh...
Dude: Have you ever heard of polyamory.
Me: No
Dude: Well we believe in that a person can love more than one person.
Me: That's.... interesting. **OMG What have I gotten myself into?!?!?! Just Run. RUN I TELL YOU! RUN!! Legs why aren't you moving... do something!! Leave!! Just LEAVE!**

Thankfully the DJ put a good song on and I hopped out on the dance floor before anything happened... at that moment. I noticed after a while though that he kept watching me dance. So they played crappy music and I moved into the next dance room. Yet, he followed me. He apparently liked they way I danced and asked if I could teach him.
"Sorry.. but I don't teach dancing. You just do it." (excepting really hot guys.. like Brek. He can have dancing lessons any time he wants) I dance some more. For a while I thought he went to another room, but one song later I spot him in the corner watching me. Ugh.. I just felt gross. I would prefer it Brek standing there watching me.. I like when he does. I try to dance extra specially well just for him. He's got gorgeous eyes. Ah! I keep losing focus. Ok.. well after a while I go to check out the other room. See what they're playing. The guy follows me yet again and he puts his arm around. He pulls me to the side.

Dude: If you won't give me dancing lessons will you at least let me have a date?
Me: **WTF?!?!??!!** Uhh... no.
Dude: Why?
Me: You're married. **duh!**
Dude: Even if she said it was o.k.?
Me: **This can't be happening!!!!!** No **walks away.. quickly!**

So yet another example of why I am single! One.. I'm highly picky. Two... there are just a bunch of jerks out there. Pht.. damn polygamourists.

The Trip to Houston: Part 3: The Skinny Puppy Concert
 
After battling our way through Houston traffic, we found the Verizon Center place thing where the concert was going to be held. People were already lined up outside all dressed in black and we knew we were in the right place. We parked and quickly got into line ourselves. The anticipation and excitement was running high as we waited to get in the doors.  As we waited, we saw people we knew from Dallas and chatted with them some. It was all so fun. I liked looking at all the different people and what they were wearing. Most people were wearing normal t-shirts and black pants or skirts or something basic. But there were the few people who were gothed out. I felt a little overdressed myself, but the random people in nothing but vinyl or pure gothic attire made me feel more at home.
 
As we inched our ways to the door, we noticed people walking away, carrying their chains and belts with them. There was a strict dress code being enforced which was totally absurd! Spikes and chains weren't allowed! How can you expect to tell goths not to wear spikes and chains. They come hand in hand! If you didn't take it back to your car, you had to throw it away. I had to throw away one of my chains (i only had the one on), my favorite spike bracelet, and even a saftey pin! I was quite distraught, but those were the rules. Bastards!
 
Once inside I forgot about my jewelry. We looked at the merch, checked out the refreshement stands, and hecked out one of the opening bands. It wasn't so much a band as it was a guy with a little laptop and twisty mixer. He had great makeup though. He had an evil elf nose and ears and looked like the gross little goblin thing from Legend. Also, he wore a plasitc body suit that gave him breasts, and not even good looking breasts. It kind of made me think of the gross boobs that the Simoan from "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" had during one of the tripped out scenes. His music was basically power noise, but he had some growling vocals. I didn't like it at all. Then, halfway through his set he had this guy in an animal skull with horns and wearing rags come out. It was really creepy and just odd. It didn't do much but kind of dance around and move on stage to the music. Kind of lame.  As we stood there in the crowd, we slowly inched our way forward. The next opening band was Tweeker. I was expecting something kick ass and fun, but the music was quite mellow and reminded me more of Weezer or Nada Surf. It was good music, it just didn't really fit the scene.
 
Once they got off the stage, it seems like it took forever to get Skinny Puppy set up. We were all on edge. By this time, we had moved out ways up to practically the very front! There was only one row of people in front of us, but we were so close! There were lots of little t.v.s set up along the stage with a large screen in the background. On each end there were two cage type sets, one for the drums, the other for the keyboards. In the center of the stage was a microphone. I looked around at the people some, a guy next to me kept talking to me, and Sam warned me to be careful. Once the show started, people were going to rush the stage and I'd get pushed around a lot. I nodded but had no idea really what to expect. The anticipation was getting to all of us. We wanted Skinny Puppy! Soon the lights went down and we began to cheer. The band came out, the music began to play, but Ohgr was no where to be seen. The intensity rose, the music peeked, and out from the side came Ohgr, covered in blood, and wearing some sort of mask! He costume was so strange. He had a white wife-beater shirt, some sort of waist cincher, ragged and torn pants.. man.. I can't even describe what he was wearing. It was so crazy! And man is Ohgr hot! He has got some crazy sex appeal. Yummy! I quite enjoyed watching him all night. hehehe. We all cheered and yelled as he came out. The show had begun! They played all sorts of songs, some I knew, some I hadn't heard before. But we all sang along, danced, ate it up. Ohgr kept the show so alive. In the background on the monitors he showed crazy images, pictures of nature, grotesque things, and stuff you just have to see. He played with blood on stage, powder, dirt, and some sort of gellish sludge. He even through the stuff out into the audience. It was such a fun and entertaining show. There was so much energy onstage and off. Sam was right, the people pushed and surged. Many times I had to fight to keep from being trampled and smooshed against the people in front of me. I felt so sorry for the guy in front of me because I was constantly being slammed into him. The guy I had been talking with early helped protect me. He kept a lot of the strong pushers off me, never let me fall, helped me keep my place. Sam had to fight off some of the moshers at times and kept Ammanda and me safe from crowd surfers. At times it was a struggle to stay up right. At first I tried to help with the crowd surfers but I quickly learned to just duck and cover and let Sam and that other guy handle it. Besides the chaos in the crowd, the show kicked ass. They played a lot of Sam's favorite songs. The one he wanted them to play was Worlock, and they did. Sam went wild, screamed along with the words, and danced! During this song, Ohgr brought out a toy gun attached to some sort of hose. During the song he had enemies on the screen and would playfully shoot them as if they were at war. Then he turned out to the audience and sprayed us with blood. I tried to duck and get out of the way. However, people throughout the night would come up to me and comment on that I must have had lots of fun at the Skinny Puppy concert. The blood got all over my face, hair, chest, and arms. By the end of the show, what was one my chest and arms was wiped off from being pressed against people. But it was fun. I think I even got some in my mouth. No worries, it was just corn syrup and food coloring. You should have seen the securiy guards. Most of them were younger guys in their thirties and did not know what to expect. Of course they already were looking at us goths with strange glances. It was funny to see them during the show. Most of them had the idea, don't look behind you, but a few of them didn't. When Ohgr came out in his attire and covered in blood, one guy did a double take and was totally shocked! Then they were all shuddering and looking quite upset as blood, dust, dirt, and goo was falling on them. hahaha! Of course they thought we were crazy because we were cheering and screaming and having fun at the show. Freaks! Damn straight!
After them playing for about an hour and half or something, the show had to come to an end. But we wouldn't have it. We cheered, screamed, stomped! We wanted more Skinny Puppy! And we got it too! We got two encores! It was awesome! The only annoying part about it though was there was this girl next to us who kept screaming, "Tester" (one of SP's songs). She wouldn't shut up. I wanted to tell her to shut the hell up, Ammanda wanted to hit her, and Sam wished they would just play Tester. But they didn't play it. Too bad.
 
Finally the lights came back on and people began to dispearse. We ran into more people from Dallas and started trying to figure out if there was going to be an afterparty some where. Then we realized, Hey! Where's Darren?

The Trip to Houston - Part 2: Pre Skinny Puppy
 
Like I said, we arrived in Houston at about 1:oo in the afternoon. The city is busy and big. It was interesting to see a new city, quite different from Ft. Worth and Dallas, but in many ways, similar. Ammanda read the directions to Sam as we were in search of Carlos's apartment. Carlos is one of the members from the band Provision and was letting us stay at his place for the evening. Sam called Carlos for better instructions, not trusting in the ones we got from Mapquest. It didn't take us too long and we found the apartment and Carlos outside talking on the phone, in his jammies. hehehe. 
 
Carlos's apartment was really kewl. He's an artist as well and had many of his paintings on the wall. He loves The Cure and had magazines and things with them as well. He invited us to sit down and chill, but Ammanda and I were like, uh... we've been sitting for about 4 hours now. We gave in and found his couch to be much more comfortable than we expected. We were beat. Sam, Darren, and Carlos talked, mainly about band stuff and the scene. Ammanda and I half heartedly listened and talked amongst ourselves, planning on what we would do and discussing our execution plan for getting ready for the concert. It was going to take her 3 hours, so she can go slow and comfortably. I only need an hour. But we were all so very hungry! We wanted food. We thought of simply sending the boys out to fetch us something, but Sam needed to get out and get a feel for Houston before we would be left to it's mercy. After Carlos has got ready for work, we once again piled into Sam's car, except Darren, he wanted to talk business with Carlos. Carlos led us to a little chinese restuarant and we pigged out on sweet and sour chicken, sesame chicken, and egg rolls. Mmmmm.... **drools** 
 
After gorging ourselves on Chinese food, Carlos went to work and we went back to his apartment. We chilled, watched some short films that Darren had brought. Darren is hilarious. He is one of the funniest most interesting guys I know. He just thinks differently than most people and to hear him is great. I learn so much and he stretches my thoughts and opinions to the limit. Ammanda went upstairs to take a shower and within minutes we heard her yelling down to us. We kind of looked at each other and listened. She was shrieking at how the water in the shower was not hot, not even room temperature, but cold. Oh boy! And we needed to take showers to get ready and such. Argh.. stupid cold water. Not only was the water cold, but it was yellow. It almost looked like Urine. I really didn't want to take a shower in that, but I had to! After Ammanda and I suffered through our showers, we got our makeup on, our hair done, and with a few minutes left before time to head out to the show, Ammanda realizes she hadn't packed her skirt. We searched through everything but it was no where to be found. Quickly I began to think, we had to find something for her to wear. Looking through what she had brought I decided it would be best if she wore her tube top as a skirt, and wore one of her tanks as her shirt instead. She kind of looked at me funny for a minute and thought I was crazy, but I knew it would work. It just had to work. It was either that or she wouldn't be able to wear anything goth and cute. She wasn't happy wearing such a tight 'skirt' but she did it anyway. Sam and Darren both agreed that she still looked hot and the crisis was solved. Thank you Costume Designing Skills! **takes a bow** Since it was such a special occasion I wore my cute frilly, ruffly california skirt and my leather corset. It was a bitch sitting in the car with it, but i looked hot.
 

The Trip To Houston - Part 1: Pre Houston
 
A few weeks ago, Sam and Brek told me that Skinny Puppy was on tour and they would be playing in Houston, unfortunately not in Dallas. I was kind of excited, they are one of the first industrial bands, even before Nine Inch Nails. But I've listened to some Skinny Puppy and it's always scared me. The music is good but the vocals sometimes seem just too demonic for me. Nonetheless, Sam of course asked me if I wanted to go. I was a little hesitant, but hey, this concert would be a rare one and how often will I get a chance to see Skinny Puppy. I figured I'd just go for the experience and to get out and have some fun. Boy was I in for a treat!
 
The weekend for the concert came up really quick and we were in deep anticipation. June 25th, a couple days before the concert, Sam himself had his own concert with for Arkangel and Unitcode:Machine at Mythos. It was a really fun show and afterwards we had a hella fun afterparty at Sam's place. Lots and lots of fun, Hanging, talking, swimming. I don't think I went to bed till 7 a.m. It was crazy. hehehe. 

To start our adventure, Sam, Ammanda (Sam's girlfriend), and I had dinner at Don Pablo's. We each had some sort of drink, I just got a usual margarita. Wow... I wasn't even halfway through the thing and I was quite giggly. Afterwards, we went back to Sam's apartment to play video games. I called up Brek and he came over and hung out with us. It was nice to spend some time with Brek. I hadn't seen him all week and I would be leaving for Houston and wouldn't get to go out with him for our usual Sunday night of dancing. We talked, wrestled, tickled each other, and did more cuddling/talking. Not so much cuddling but there is a certain way I like to sit when I talk to him. He sits on the couch and I sit next to him, but facing him, and I usually hold him and kind of lay in front of him on his lap. If you scroll through my blogs you'll see a picture of us doing this, except I'm facing away to pose for the camera. Anywho you get the point. I got to see Brek before I left.
 
We (sans Brek) woke up the next morning around 8. It was Sunday, June 27th. I don't think we were quite the happy campers considering we all didn't get to bed till sometime after 1. But we got ready and gathered all our stuff. Darren arrived shortly after we awoke and talked to us and quickened our spirits. As we were heading out the door, it began to storm and rain. Great.... the water was pouring out like buckets. Luckily Sam has a carport and we didn't get too wet, but it wasn't the funnest way to start a road trip. Before getting onto the highway, we stopped by an Albertsons to buy breakfast. We got some muffins, milk, water, orange juice, and bananas. Stuff for everyone. It was quite yummy. Blueberry muffins rule! Now was time to head for Houston. We probably didn't actually get on the road till about 9ish. We were ready, pumped for the concert. Darren has Sam play a lot of his music. Stuff we hadn't heard before and it was really good. He played a lot of Shirley Manson and other angry girl bands. I was much inspired. Perhaps I should learn to play the guitar. Though Sam suggested the bass. I fell asleep a couple times in the back being that I was quite sleep deprived from the previous two nights. But before I knew it, it was 1 and we were in Houston. I was quite shocked at how fast we got there. Apparently Sam had been going about 90 the whole way. But we were there. We were in Houston. We were going to see Skinny Puppy!