Picture of Ben
















Isn't he a cutie?

Eric's getting Married!

That's right everyone.. my friend Eric, the one in the army that was in Germany, is getting married. He called me last night to tell me that he had proposed to his girlfriend, Dana, and she of course, said yes.

I'm uber excited for the two of them and send all sorts of love, blessings, and happy thoughts their way. The wedding is scheduled for May 20th, to which I am invited. Hopefully I'll be able to come home for it, but we'll see.
Congrats Eric and Dana!

The Decision

Last night was interesting. After work, i came home and got ready for the Pirate Party. It was pretty crazy outside and I thought about not going, but I wanted to see Bob and Kelly and I looked really cute in my pirate costume. So I went. Of course there was only Kelly, Bob, Brandy, Blake and I, but that's ok. I like spending time with them and getting to know them all better. So yeah, I went home afterwards and started homework. At 10 o'clock I called Ben because I was a little worried about him. When I had left work we had talked a little and he was having a really bad day. I wanted to check on him and see if he needed anything.

So I called. He seemed to be doing alright, struggling, but he would be ok. We just kind of b.s.ed for a bit wanting to talk to each other, not wanting to get off the phone. And before I knew it we got into the deep discussion we'd both been avoiding, but both been wanting/needing to have. It all came out.. right then and there.

Yes we like each other, perhaps a little too much. But we both realize that we are on opposite ends of the spectrum and eventually whatever kind of relationship we form will result ending in some sort of hellacious fight and simply we'd hurt each other. Why? Because I'm uber christian and republican and he's uber liberal and not christian. These however are not the only issues. Like I've said before, Ben is going through some really tough stuff right now, stuff that I can't even begin to comprehend. Having me in his life as a friend is good, having me in his life as a girlfriend would be good at first, but would eventually be devastating. He stressed how we'd fight too much because we're both strong headed, stubborn, and not willing to change. It really impressed me at how strong and calm he was. Me? I totally broke down. The storm outside that raged through town is an adequate display of anguish my heart and soul suffered at that moment.

I'll admit, I was crushed. In the past couple weeks that I've gotten to know Ben, he's a wonderful person and I enjoy spending time with him. I think we could be good for each other in many ways.. but at the same time there are a lot of barriers that we can't cross. As much as I'd love to be with him, I have to think about his well being. I can't be selfish and I have to sacrifice for the greater good. It's funny.. as I started coming round and finding strength to get through this talk and decision, Ben broke down. I then had to keep a level head and pull Ben back to the reality of the situation.

This really blows. I cried so much.. so much in a way I haven't in a long time. There are times when I hate love and feelings and emotions. I spent the past few months loving being single and enjoying my life with just me. Then I met Ben and I rememberd what a joy it is to be loved and to love. But just as quickly, the old sting .. nay, not a sting, a long sharp jaggedy spear being plunged into your very soul, returned. How quickly and easily bitterness can creep and take root into ones heart.

My only comfort is that I'm trying to follow the Lord's will. That He will carry us both through this and make us stronger people. That now Ben and I can be honest and open without hindrance to each other. That we will grow in friendship and be blessed through one another. There is hope that maybe someday, Lord willing if it's meant to be it will be. Till then, we go on, day by day, walking in faith, holding each other up, and trying the hardest we can.